Choices

I have reached week 19 and i honestly feel no different than i did in week one. How many of us would just like to go to bed and just not wake up again? Because i would. Horrific but true. I am quite rational but our society doesn’t want to face the fact that anyone would choose death rather than live without the person they loved.

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Oh Prue,

I feel the same as you do.and thank you for being brave enough to say it.

Other than not wanting to hurt my brother and sisters I just can’t find a reason to keep going. We didn’t have children and life without my lifelong partner is so empty and meaningless. I’m not lonely but so completely alone.
Jx

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Hi Prue,
I’m so sorry to hear you are still feeling so low. It sounds as though things are very tough.
I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been
able to talk about how you’re feeling. There is lots of other support out
there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone
about how you are feeling.
The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s
bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to
counselling or other support services in your area.
We offer online bereavement counselling to members of this community. This
is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from
home. There’s more information about this service here:
https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling

You deserve care and support so please, Prue, get in touch with one of
these services.
If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact
your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
Take care,
Susannah
Online Community team

Hi Prue, I was thinking about this earlier today. My lovely husband died from a blood clot in his lungs following a 6 weeks battle with cancer. This was at the end of November and every day since I have prayed that I will go to be with him. I feel really guilty as I have a son and also a step-daughter who I have brought up as my own since the age of 10 when her Mummy died and now she has lost her Dad also. It is not that I really want to die but I also cannot stand the thought of potentially living 30+ years without my husband. Somehow I keep on getting through each day though. My step-daughter said to me yesterday that she honestly thought I would have been dead by Christmas had I not had her and my Son to worry about. It is so hard because they have their own lives and partners and I hate my life now but unless I die of a natural disease which will be easier for my kids to accept, I guess I am stuck here. I just hope my time here is shorter rather than longer. I also know that George would be so cross with me for leaving the children, he would probably send me back any way. Take care and I hope you somehow manage to continue facing each day xx

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Hi Debra. I’m so sorry you and others feel that you would rather be somewhere other than here on earth with all its pain. I sometimes think like that, but then I ask myself would my dear wife have wanted that? I would love to be with her and I honestly believe I will, but until my time comes I am prepared to wait. It’s not in my hands anyway. Try not to hate your life. Negative thought is so self defeating. But I do know what you mean and how you feel. My wife also died at the end of November and I am still in pain, but I know for sure she is helping me through this as she always did when I was in trouble. Death can’t stop that kind of love and caring. Feeling as you do is not abnormal, not at all. I suggest we may have all gone through these thoughts. Take care.

Prue brave lady I agree so much with you. I spend my days crying, screaming and doing things I don’t want to do. I want Colin pure and simple. I go along to the spiritualist church hoping to hear from him. No one comes to my door or asks what I want or how I’m feeling. This site is the only place I can say how I feel and I have had amazing support but no one can give me back my soul mate. I want to be with him the soonerthe better. Much loveK xx

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Hi Jonathan, it is so difficult as really what I want is the impossible and my husband to be here and life to be as it was before he became unwell. I know that each of us would dearly love our partners back restored to good health, but failing that going to them seems the only other option apart enduring a life of pain. Please don’t get me wrong I am not constantly wishing myself to die. I guess like the majority of us I function reasonably well on a daily basis but I hate bedtime or when I just need a hug and then I so want to be with him. However suicide is not an option but given a preference I would choose being with George over a life of being without him any day xx

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I wouldn’t mind meeting up with my wife if it was guaranteed. I hope I just fall asleep and die sometime, it would be much preferable to suffering like my wife did.
I’m not in any great rush.

Hi
I’ve been so desperate lately that I’ve thought of mediums and spiritualists but I know they can’t bring our loved ones to us.
I can’t find any reason to keep going through this daily horror. I don’t have children, hardly see anyone day in day out when I do.I don’t feel any better. I can find no comfort in my memories I just get so upset at what. happened. Counselling helped at first but now nothing helps.How will this ever change? My life has been taken away from me. What makes you all carry on? Sadme

Hi there It’s the thought of my family feeling the way I do that’s stopped me though I never see them either. I want Colin so bad that I have been in tears the whole day. I see nopoint in going on either I dread the mornings when I waken up to the memories. I can’t look at photographs or don’t want to remember where we went. I do join in groups to make the day pass. Look up Meetup and see whats on. Doesnt help a lot but makes you go out. I’m so sorry I can’t give you more hope I’m so sorry. Love K xx

Hi. Sadme. I can come out with platitudes and old clichés but none of that would help at the moment. The only consolation I can offer is give it time. I too have no immediate family and live alone. My neighbours are great but have their own lives to lead. How do I get through it? One day at a time, and knowing my wife is still supporting me as she did in life. I know not everyone feels this, but it can often come with time. The emotions at first tend to overwhelm all feelings. People go to mediums for reassurance. The problem is that there are so many ‘mediums’ about that finding a genuine one can be difficult. Recommendation from someone who has been is far the best. My very personal view is that there are some people out there who genuinely seem to be able to talk to you about a lost one. But I think you have to be very discerning in your choice.
The reason we all go through this is firstly because we have no option. The bereavement process, like an illness, takes time to heal, and acceptance of that fact can help. The other reason with some of us is that we can see a faint light at the end of the tunnel. Very very faint, but it’s there. We can live again, never will things be as they were, that’s not possible, but although peace is elusive it can be had. Take care and stick with this site and the lovely people on it.

Katie, thank you for your kind reply and I’m sorry you feel this way too.I hope joining the groups helps you feel better. X.

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It’s kind of you to reply but all I hear is the same things .Time makes no difference to how I feel and never will I’ve only been on the site a few weeks but my loss was much longer ago. There’s no answer to this, nothing helps me and I can never accept losing him. It’s destroyed me.
That doesn’t mean I’m not glad you and others are able to keep going.X

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Hi all,
Having read all the posts here each and everyone of you are voicing all the thoughts and feelings that I have been going through for the last 8 weeks! I am just going from day to day in a fog of misery and despair but soon I have to return to work and just thinking of this brings on a wave of nausea as I’m only just coping with living alone at home and spending time with close family. How on earth do we all get through this new life that we don’t recognise or want to live?!
Take care,
Lynn x

Hi Lynn God only knows it’s 7 weeks for me and I wish it was me that was away. I’m retired and having difficulty coping alone as we were together every day. I think you see your GP and get a line for as long as you need and maybe something to help you, I did and it helps though not in the way we want. That’s what you need to do and once that’s in order take your time, join clubs, I’ve done that it doesn’t really help but gets you out for a couple of hours. Check Meetup in your area they have lots of different little meetings, cinema, theatre, yoga and many are free. I’m so sorry because I guess we’re feeling the same. Hugs K xxx

I am so sorry for those of you that feel you have no life worth living for. It worries me a little as I always feel that life is worth living, but please don’t interpret this (as it has been done before) as trying to tell you how you should feel or want to feel. I am really at a loss at what to say to you really.
I have chosen to take each day as it comes and not to waste any of my life but that is my choice. That does not mean that I am not heartbroken at losing my husband. Never a day without tears, where do they keep coming from??? But I have chosen to look for that door that opens and a light shines.
However I have recently seen an old message I put on here a few weeks after Brian died and can’t believe it was from me. I also said that life wasn’t worth living, in fact very much the same as some of you now. I am obviously changing as time goes by without realising it. Perhaps time is beginning to make me accept, giving me a glimmer of hope.
I now live and breath not only for myself but for Brian as well because as long as I have breath in my body he is also very much alive alongside me. I want him to know that I am coping and he is helping me as he always did, walking tall beside me. I want the memories to be happy ones and not make me upset. This gives me comfort.
God bless and please dig deep for the strength to get through this. Pat xxx

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I would also like to meet up with Brian. Hold him, tell him how much I love him. I hope my journey to him is painless and not like his suffering. However I would prefer that he visits me and not the other way around.

Thank you Kate, I will think about what you have said…anything to help but as you say nothing really takes the pain away does it?! xx

Hi Katie,
Thank you so much for your advice and support. I will take on board what you have said, but as you say it won’t make the pain go away! What else can we do but keep going…like you, I wish it had been me who had passed away as I feel that my partner would have coped better than I am…
Take care,
Lynn xx

Hi lynneth
What pain indeed. I expected sadness, heartbreak, loneliness. I was one of those that had time to think ahead but never did I expect this intensity of pain. I am determined however to not let this grief take control of my life and like you, know that my Brian would have coped well. He was a private person that liked his own space. He was capable having lived on his own before he met me. Yes, Brian would have been just fine. Out walking one day recently, crossing fields by the river, a lovely walk we did many times, suddenly he came into my thoughts and this topic of him being on his own came very firmly in my mind. I felt a sense of relief and believe that Brian had come to tell me that if he could survive then so could I. He was a quiet, no nonsense man and wouldn’t want a fuss.
Pat xxx

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