Last Christmas was a blur, my husband died on the 10th December. I had no family in the UK, so it was just me and the dog.
I can’t quite believe it’s nearly a year, sometimes it seems like yesterday, other times almost years. I’ve done so much this year, arranged his funeral sorted out the finances, or sadly lack of them, then the sale of my lovely little house with the garden which was my special place. I’ve dealt with so many emotions, mostly the anger at my husband who never told me his prognosis, neither did the doctors, I feel regret as well, hurt, that after being married 43 years he never told me so that we could have talked, he denied me that.
Now a year later, I’m with my son who I’d not seen for 15 years, my 12 year old Grandson that I’ve now only just met in person and I’m living thousands of miles from the UK.
My husband was an alcoholic, hence the bad finances and all the years not visiting my son or Grandson, although always chatting via Internet.
Despite all he put me through over the years, I miss him dreadfully, I still get angry at him, and the people I thought were such good friends that I’d supported and helped over the years who disappeared when he’d died, not even a text or quick phone call.
My anxiety is really bad again, I just want the anxiety and depression to go, I feel like I should be proud of what I’ve achieved but I’m not.
Does anyone else feel like this, that they can’t let go of being angry and deali with anxiety. It’s like permanently living under a black cloud, existing but not living.
Thank you for listening / reading this, I needed to get these thoughts out and find someone to share them with. I know this time of year is difficult for us all. Best wishes to you all.
I still feel angry with Rob,that couldn’t tell me how poorly he was feeling.Going on holiday but not enjoying himself.We could have cancelled but he said the holiday was for me because I was his full time carer and I needed the break.He always put me first.I can understand why he didn’t tell me.It was his way of protecting me from it.I haven’t seen my daughter since her Grandads funeral,6 years ago and I haven’t seen my 9 year old Grandson for 8 years.We have rebuilt our relationship now.It takes something like this to bring family together.You don’t say where you are living now but I hope you can settle again.Jill x