Coming back from holiday

It is now 17 weeks since I lost my hubby after just 5 months of illness . Last week I went away to lanzarote with my daughter and two grandsons . No nightly phone call to my Les for me . No photos to send him of what we were doing . At times I had these overwhelming feelings in my chest and just wanted to scream and burst out crying but of course didn’t do that it would have scared the kids . Coming home to the empty house and realising that this is my life from now on just makes me feel so sad . I have been crying for him so much in the two days we have been home that am beginning to wonder why I went ? Is this how it’s gojng to be if I go away? I am going away with the whole family for Xmas what if I can’t cope and fall apart how are they going to feel . Holidays mean nothing to me now but what is the alternative as I simply can’t face being at home . Before the holiday I was starting to have a day every now and again without tears but now feel as bad and as sad as when I lost him so many bad memories are flooding back

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I know how you feel, I lost my husband of 50 years 18 weeks ago ,we had been together since I was 16, some days I not bad can go a whole day without crying, then other days I don’t even get dressed and just feel upset all day , and bedtime is worse I cant sleep my mind just going over things all the time, they say it gets easier but at moment cant see it, we used to go away twice a year I want to go away next year but don’t know if I could go, I just want him to come through the door, its lonely I dreading Christmas just want to go and hibernate till it’s over, I put a brave face on for family as don’t want to upset them,just wish it could get easier, take care Elaine

Hello Gilly. I was so interested in what you had to say about holidays. My husband loved to travel and we went away at every moment we could. I am not a good traveller and it could be a nightmare but for him I ‘suffered’. Now the very thought of going on holiday fills me with horror. I can’t imagine going away without him and then having to return without him either, walking back into the house. I decided a few weeks ago to get rid of all our lovely matching luggage and rang a charity that came and took it all away.
A year or two ago we was on a walking holiday in Cornwall and I was ill with a balance problem. I’ve had it before but not for some years. It was viral and I was being constantly sick and we was travelling back the next day…by coach. I couldn’t see or stand up but my Brian got me home, how, I will never know. Two coaches, a taxi, a ferry (I had to be taken on in a wheelchair and was sick again), taxi, I have never been so pleased to walk (more like stagger) through my front door and collapse. Now I worry if I went alone and this happened how on earth would I manage. Silly I know but it’s part and parcel of feeling so alone and vulnerable. No I won’t be hurrying off on a holiday as yet.

Hi pattidot we both liked golfing holidays and planned to do more As we both only retired a year ago in April but with his illness coming on in February and him passing away beginning of July we never got to do this . I yearn for our old life but know it will never be the same and am trying the hols with family but to be honest I don’t really care if I have a holiday now . At 65 years old it feels as there is nothing to look forward to whereas before we couldn’t wait to get away . I totally understand where you are coming from too .

Oh Elaine we are all feeling the same and going through the same emotions it does help to read that other people are writing about the same things as me . Like you we got together when I was 16 and he was 17 and married at 18 and 19 and I am 65 now so we had 49 years together . He died the day after my 65th birthday and I was and am still so angry that he went so early . Let’s hope it does get a bit earlier but 17 weeks down the line it doesn’t feel any different except I have the odd day when I don’t cry at night . Take care and do what you need to do to keep going . X

Gillyb, My husband dies two days after hi

Gillyb, My husband died two days after his 70th birthday, we had booked to go to Mexico our favourite place and was retiring to do things together which sadly has been taken away ,I feel sad that he has not got to do this and sad for me too ,I also lost my mum in March so still grieving for her ,I feel angry like you thinking about what could have been, you take care and live the best you can. Elaine x