It’s been nearly 5 years since Laura passed away, over this time rather than things getting easier they’ve got harder. Laura was an amazing person, she was my wife and best friend. For 6 years before she passed we worked side by side running her father’s business. On the 6th of march 2021 rather than celebrating our 17th wedding anniversary I was sat in casualty as a doctor told me they couldn’t save her.
Laura had become poorly the day before, I helped her to bed around 2pm, she felt unwell and was weak in her legs. Every 20 minutes I would check on her see how she felt, as the day went on I was getting more and more concerned, at around 7pm I told her how worried I was and that I should ring 111 for some advice, she replied that she’s not going to waste the time of the NHS. I choose to go to bed early and lay with her. She had a rough night but we got through it. At 9.30 on the 6th she told me she needed the toilet and if I could help her, but she collapsed as I helped her up. I called for an ambulance, I had many problems with the paramedics for faulty equipment on the ambulance to them waiting 1 hour and 30 min to take her to hospital. When they made the decision to take her they insisted she was too weak to go in the chair down the stairs instead telling me I’d have to help her a step at a time. When we got to the bottom I noticed her lips turning blue followed by her skin, she had a seizure in arms and that was when her heart stopped.
I hold much of the blame for her death on me, I should have called that night, but I didn’t. Laura died at only 36 years old, and the worst thing of all Laura passing saved my life. I’m schizoeffective and she cared for me, making sure I could function each day, after she passed I had to learn how to do all this, not only that I got healthy, I feel awful even saying this, I would rather her still be here and me be so ill that I was bouncing in and out of hospital wards.
This coming march it’ll have been five years and time isn’t making things easier
Hello,
I just read your post and it moved me deeply. I can relate, having been through similar situations and that feeling of helplessness. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Grief is so difficult to come to terms with, especially when the circumstances were traumatic. I’m having some counselling myself - it’s hard to know if it’s helping, but it gives me a place to talk openly.
Sending you my sympathy and best wishes,
I thought that was moving too. It is so hard and all these memories. My autistic son of 46 told me he went to the doctors this morning on his own and he didnt tell me before as usual.
His dad used to meet him there.
I went with him last time but I can’t now as got fined in the car park last time which wasn’t my fault
@TheDarkFenix Hi, so sorry to hear you’re feeling the way you are. It’s coming up to 3 years for me and I also carried a similar sense of self blame and guilt that you describe for a long time, albeit for the opposite reason. My wife had a terminal cancer diagnosis and wanted to spend her last days at home. I put all my efforts into making this happen but in the end she was unable to take her pain medication and so I had to call an ambulance and she was admitted to hospital, she never came back home again.
I carried a lot of guilt around this for a long time, but now having talked it through with friends and therapist I know that I made all of the decisions with focus on wife’s wishes and well being in an extremely intense and difficult set of circumstances. It’s been hard to acknowledge that I had to forgive myself but that is where I find myself now. I still feel that perhaps I could have done things differently, but what I will never know is if that would have made any difference in the final outcome. All that I can be sure of is that I made every decision with the best of intentions and that if the roles had been reversed I would not have lain any blame with my wife for choosing the same path. In a way I think my struggle with that guilt was a form of comfort, that I thought that if I had done something differently than all would have been well, that somehow I have control, but in reality life is not like the films and I have had to accept that there are bad endings and that that is no ones fault, simply a result of ever changing circumstances. Please allow yourself to be open to that acceptance, that what happened was not your fault.
So sorry for your loss, guilt is all part of the grieving process, we all seek answers to all the what if’s we have which is normal because as human beings we like to be in control of our decisions, actions etc but sometimes life happens out of our control and all we can do is act on our best intentions for our loved one’s at that moment in time. Remember whatever you did or didn’t do it was all out of love. None of us are medical experts so we cannot know what the best course of action is. Your wife knew you loved her and that is all that matters.
Hi please don’t feel guilty as I do I know exactly how you feel a similar thing happened to me 3 years ago my wife 66 years old died in my arms in the bathroom looking back i should have acted quicker but your lovely wife was much younger i do feel for you all the best to you please don’t make yourself ill