Completely lost after losing my mum

Three weeks ago today I lost my beautiful mum to breast cancer. The pain of losing her can be unbearable and I feel so lost without her. I have such a pain in my chest and I can’t eat or sleep.

I’m 35 and already lost my dad and brother when I was 14 so now I am the last one left. My mum is my world, we did so much together. She is my best friend and the most caring person you could ever come across.

I just can’t imagine my life without her and looking at the grave where all my beloved family are just makes me want to be with them.

I just don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I can’t stop crying and yearning to speak to my mum or give her a hug.

I don’t want to do anything and can’t face going back to work even though they are keen that I go back.

Sorry to go on but I’m so so lost.

Hi LP,

I’m so sorry to hear about the recent loss of your mum. It is so painful and to have lost your dad and brother as well is very cruel. Life is very unfair.
I lost my mum suddenly 4 months ago to a massive stroke. Like you, my mum was so important to me. She lived with me and was part of my daily life. She loved life and loved watching her soaps and having a chat with her brothers and sisters. She was a young and active 74 year old and I simply cannot believe she has gone.
I lost my dad 21 years ago, like you, to a massive heart attack when he was just 53. This was hard but I still had mum. Losing both parents just changes everything.
I do have a sister but we arent close and she seems surprised that I’m still struggling with mums death.
I do have a partner and a 12 year old daughter so I’m not alone but I still feel that I am alot of the time.
Have you got friends that you can talk to? This site has been a godsend to me and there is also cancer chat online too.
I took 3 months off work and only went back 2 weeks ago. Dont feel pressured to go back and see your GP to get signed off if you arent up to it.
I am sure things will eventually get better for both of us even if it doesnt feel like it right now.
Keep coming back here to talk and dont be afraid to keep crying.dont bottle up those emotions.
Cheryl x

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So sorry about your mum. I lost my mum 3 months ago already lost my dad nearly 30 years ago
Losing mum has been the hardest loss for me. She was diagnosed with lung cancer and passed 3 weeks later. I thought my world had ended. It has been horrendous. We were very close after losing dad in my 20s I feel totally lost , maybe because I am now alone. I have a great husband but no family. It’s thdcwordt loss I think when we lose our mums. My thoughts are with you. Stay strong, I know it’s so very hard xx

Hi LP,

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed. I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here.

There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling. The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org). You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

We offer online bereavement counselling to members of this community. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling.

You deserve care and support so please, LP, get in touch with one of these services. If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care,

Mick
Online Community team

Like others I can’t offer much more than a bit of companionship. I feel your pain so deeply. I’m a 29 woman (who feels like a child) I’m due to get married next year. My dad died when I was 7 and my mum suddenly died without warning on 2nd September. She too was my best friend.
For me it was a slight comfort to read your post just to know that how I’m feeling is normal. I feel very much the same. It’s like my world as I know it and the future I had planned has been ripped from me. All I think we can do is keep going and live the life we have here to live. It’s just awful and sometimes I scream at the sky to just bring her back and that this can’t be happening. But it is and it has.
I’m so sad that you are going through the same as me. The world can be so cruel, but we just can’t let it take over.
I hope we can all help each other to muddle through. Sending you my love.
X

Hi gmb1309,

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and 22 years ago, the loss of your dad.
It’s truly awful to be an adult ‘orphan’ and I am with you on the pain you feel and the screaming at the sky.
I lost my dad to a sudden heart attack 21 years ago when I was 27. It was an awful time but I still had my mum and felt protected.
Then 4 months ago I lost my precious mum who meant the whole world to me. She had a sudden massive brain hemorrhage during a routine op and my world has completely collapsed.
I am lucky that i have the support of my partner and child but apart from that I have no idea how I have got through the last few months.
Have you a support network? X

Hi
I lost my mum 19th august this year 2019. She had vascular dementia. I cared for her at home for five years until it became to much due to my own health problems and she went into a nursing home. This was the first stab in the gut for me of guilt as I new she never wanted to go but i couldn’t look after her properly. The first year in the home was a sad and emotional time as every time I visited and this was daily she would cry and ask me to take her home. This went on less the second year as the dementia took hold. I watch my mum change from the loving vibrant person she was to a shell of a person. She went from 13 stone down to 7 and a halt stone in the last six months of her life and I watched as she slowly died as each part of her drifted away. She stopped talking, eating and drinking. Thankfully the end was peaceful and she died in hospital with us all with her. But I miss her so much she was a big part of my life we lived together for most of my life, so I saw her every day before she became ill and when she went into the home I sat with her every day. Now I feel lost and racked with guilt if I had tried harder to keep her home, would she still be with me. I miss her so much.

Hi hels,

I’m sorry for the recent loss of your mum. I feel guilt every day about my mum. How could I not have noticed that she had suffered a stroke? Why didnt I get her to hospital sooner. If mum hadnt come to love with me last year would she still be alive now? If we hadnt had so many glasses of wine would she still be here?
I think the truth is that we now we did everything for our mums and couldn’t have done more. Guilt is the worst part of grief and seems to affect us all.
You were thinking of what was best for your mum when you found a care home for her. You couldn’t give her the care she needed so you found somewhere who could do this and you visited her every day. What we need to do now is look after ourselves and our own health. My mum would hate the way I have become since she died and I’m going to try and snap out of my gloom in memory of my mum x

I lost my Mum just over 3 weeks ago too. My father passed away nearly 20 years ago. I know how you feels. It’s so overwhelming raw and painful. I too keep getting a very heavy heart. It feels painful. My heart is so heavy it worries me at times. I don’t have brothers or sisters so it really feels like it is just me dealing with the pain. I’m sorry for your loss. And everyones loss on this thread.

Hi daffy,

Sorry for your losses. Losing our mums makes the pain of losing our dads come back doesnt it? Something I thought I was well and truly over.
The grief of losing mum has been indescribable.i can still shake my head in disbelief and I’m nearly 19 weeks on.
I know already that I will never get over losing her and have changed as a person forever. Everything is grey in colour and I very rarely smile.
If you had told me earlier this year that this would be the year mum died, I would have laughed at you. There was nothing wrong with her till a massive stroke took her.
I still cannot believe it.simple as that.
I feel for everyone on this thread. I wish we could all meet up and shake our heads together!
Cheryl x

Thank you for your kind words. I do have such wonderful in laws to be and partner. But I do just feel so alone. Me and my sister aren’t close and my mum had no siblings. All of my sort of extended family are gathering round. But I think what I’m realising is it’s that absolutely unwavering unconditional love of a parent that I miss and crave so much. I’m so sorry for your losses too. These sudden deaths just seem so cruel and hard to accept.

Hopefully you can seek some comfort in talking with others on here who are also carrying that burden. I have one sister but I have really taken the lion share of the responsibilities and feel much the same as you like I’m alone in the world. We will all get through it we just have to be kind with ourselves and reach out when we need help. I hope you can try and find a little support in this group. X

Hi,

My sister and I arent close and I also did the lions share, both whilst mum was alive and afterwards.
I dont wish to trivialise anyone who has watched their loved one deteriorate with a degenerative condition a saying goodbye to my mum would have been unbearable. However this is now both my parents that have died suddenly with no warnings, goodbyes, preparation, nothing.
I’m guessing it’s the same for you and it is so so hard.
I watched my best friend die slowly from cancer and it was awful, but we said our goodbyes and it was no shock when she finally passed. My mum waved at me, excitedly as she walked into theatre for a routine op that she was expecting to recover from in a week.
I will never accept that she never came out of that hospital alive x

Hi I’m new to this and I’m sorry to hear about your situation.

I lost my mum on 1st September and it has killed me inside. Like you I feel lost n alone. My mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer July 2018, she had surgery to remove the tumour and her splein on 11th September, I sat at the hospital for 15 hours waiting to see her. The doctor rung me n said he had got it all , which I was so happy about.

My mum moved in with me n my family and under went 7 months of intense chemotherapy and on 5th June she was given the all clear. Myself and my sisters were so happy. 7 weeks later my beautiful mummy was admitted to hospital and on 27th July we were told it was back and very aggressive. We never told her she was dying as we wanted her to be happy. Me (37) and my older sisters cared for her at my home which is where she wanted to be. She passed away on my wedding anniversary and it’s her birthday tomorrow.

I have zero clue how to live without her as I never spent anytime my whole life without my mummy.

Sorry to go on I feel silly as you are all hurting.

I completely agree. I’m sure all loss is tragic but I just wish I had time to get to grips with it. I imagine it knocks u regardless but like you there was no warning. My mum went into a&e on the Friday and on the Saturday we were laughing and chatting normally talking about future plans and she was worrying about work (she worked in a school and it was the new school year on the Monday). It was all just so normal and nothing prepared me for her just suddenly dying on the Monday night. We were still trying to ascertain what was wrong. The shock is just as hard as the loss itself. I find myself feeling as though maybe I can change it, like a bad dream you can change the course of, a film, a video game. I just have this piece of me that can’t quite take it on board as my reality.

Hi ebonysue,

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. It’s so awful and in this thread we have all lost our mums recently and are struggling.
Please come on here to ask questions or talk about your mum, your feelings etc as we all understand. For me it’s been 18 weeks since my best friend disappeared from my life in the blink of an eye. When the doctor told me my mum had suffered a brain hemorrhage which was ‘unsurvivable’ I just couldn’t take in what he was saying. Shock carried me through the first 3 weeks then I suffered a breakdown which I am very slowly recovering from x

I completely agree. Even though I waited while they turned off the life support, was aware that mum was in the hospital mortuary for 2 weeks, a post mortem was carried out on her and I’ve just scattered her ashes, I still feel shock when i get home and find that she isn’t in her living room or in the kitchen with a cup of tea waiting. I feel so close to a breakdown all the time and i dont know what’s keeping me sane. My life died on the 14th June and I feel that I will plod along in life until it’s my time to go in 20 or 25 years time x

Hi
I lost my mum 19th august this year 2019. She had vascular dementia. I cared for her at home for five years until it became to much due to my own health problems and she went into a nursing home. This was the first stab in the gut for me of guilt as I new she never wanted to go but i couldn’t look after her properly. The first year in the home was a sad and emotional time as every time I visited and this was daily she would cry and ask me to take her home. This went on less the second year as the dementia took hold. I watch my mum change from the loving vibrant person she was to a shell of a person. She went from 13 stone down to 7 and a halt stone in the last six months of her life and I watched as she slowly died as each part of her drifted away. She stopped talking, eating and drinking. Thankfully the end was peaceful and she died in hospital with us all with her. But I miss her so much she was a big part of my life we lived together for most of my life, so I saw her every day before she became ill and when she went into the home I sat with her every day. Now I feel lost and racked with guilt if I had tried harder to keep her home, would she still be with me. I miss her so much.

It’s been 8 weeks without my lovely mummy. I’m wracked with guilt. She had a bad back. I moved away last year for which I can never forgive myself for now. Even though I did it for my children. Who are so happy with their new life. We had hoped her and dad would move too. I went home every 6 weeks to see her. But she got a bad back in April She was with me in April here at our new house for her 70th. Then I went back in June To see her. She seemed fine just sore back. By July she wasn’t any better. The dr said he thought she had popped a rib. I couldn’t get home as we had lots of guests visiting our new home by the sea. We also had booked several festivals. We had such a jam packed summer. Our first summer by the beach. Loving life. But back at home mum was in pain so she went for X-ray and it was all clear. Just chest infection showing which she had now developed. Then she collapsed. I drove 5 hours straight back. She had cancer metastasised and died a week later. I did say my goodbyes. And I stayed by her bedside we chatted laughed I helped feed her and wash her. She saw the grandchildren. And the she was gone. In a week. And I’m so grateful for that as I hadn’t seen her for 10 weeks. The longest in my life I have never seen her for. I will never forgive myself For not seeing her sooner.

Please forgive yourself. I did not know your mum and don’t want to put words into her mouth but I am sure she would not blame you. Cancer is cruel and can be so fast. My mum thought she had flu but went into a&e on the Friday and died on the Monday. She had lymphoma and was in organ failure and no one ever knew. Just think that she only had a bad back, people have bad backs all the time. At least she lived out her last year with the feeling that life was good, you and your family were settled and happy, she wasn’t in fear of her health. I am sure your mum would want you to live your life to its fullest. Enjoy the beach and your family. Don’t beat yourself up with guilt. You could not have diagnosed this, these things are wicked and fast and show no mercy. You are not responsible and you couldn’t have saved her. By the sounds of it she knew she was loved by you and isn’t that all we really want at the end of the day. Be strong, be sad, but don’t put this weight on your shoulders please! Xxx

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