Thank you for your kind words. My cousin said virtually the same. I know it deep down but sometimes it’s all consuming isn’t it. The awful pain in our hearts. They are never coming back. And this is our new life now without them. I told her I loved her every day in that hospital. We are not a lovey Dovey family. But I told her she was the best mum and nanny ever. And we all loved her. Her little scared bewildered eyes looked back at me and she said I love you. Then she fell asleep and didn’t regain consciousness. It’s a wicked cruel disease. I hope you are ok too. Sorry I have rattled on about myself.
We don’t know what cancer my mum has as the couldn’t find the primary. It was in her lungs and back. But she was too ill for further testing and dad said no to autopsy. I have wondered lymphoma as she had several bouts of flu and infections this year. But she was always a coldy person picking them up all the time. I’m the same.
You have to talk about it never apologise. We’re all in this together. It’s just awful and rubbish and it is going to take a hell of a lot of time until we feel normal again. Just try and be as kind to yourself as you can. You were clearly a good daughter and she loved you.
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Totally with you joules.the bloody guilt just go even though gmb’s words are great.
My mum did hav the best year living with me, her affairs were settled, her family was settled and she had no idea how ill she was. This was great so why couldn’t she have been given a few more years to enjoy it? I would give anything to have her back x
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We need to hang on to their lovely life they had before they died. And they were loved.
I know but I’m so bitter. I’m not at the stage where I can think of good memories.
I detest walking through the front door and seeing her empty bedroom and living room. The house is so cold without her.
I feel sorry for myself and I dont like the way I have become.
I was messing around with my daughter last night making her laugh and she said, I’ve had the best day mummy, and it made me feel so sad that I’ve made the last 4 months a misery because of my grief.
Just so many unanswered questions. We just have to learn to live with this grief because I cant see it going anywhere, anytime soon x
No I’m not at the stage of thinking of good times either. They just make me cry. I’m sad and I’m depressed and guilty. So I do try and hold on to positives I don’t want to go down even further. It is very hard though.
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Hi gmb1309,
Thanks for the way you have worded this reply to joules.
I feel awful guilt over my mum and my grief is getting worse not better. Your words about joules mum living a good year ,seeing her family settled, not living in fear of her health could have been about my mum. I feel such guilt that tears me apart, yet my mum was a happy, funny 74 year old that I only invited to live with me a year ago because her arthritis in her hands was getting bad and she was unable to undo jars and milk cartons easily.
She had a great year with us, we laughed, we were a team, mum felt needed yet had her independence with her own bedroom, bathroom and living room and she always had company. Something alot of elderly people dont always have.
And yet, I am so guilt ridden that I didnt notice how ill she was (even though it was a massive stroke with virtually no symptons)
I dont know how I will ever come through this but your post made such sense x
Thank you to all those who’ve replied to me. My passing was so sudden. It was just not expected. I can’t believe sometimes, yet I look at her empty chair and its all too real. I lived with Mum, as her long term carer.
That should have said “Mums passing”. I haven’t worked out how to edit mis-takes yet.
It’s so lovely to hear you can try and remember how much joy there was. My mum would have had this lymphoma for probably a year. She lost so much weight but she was always overweight and she was really really trying so hard to shift the weight. So when she lost it we were proud of her. She lost 3st in 18 months going down to a healthy looking size 12/14 from an 18. Little did we know it was massively helped by the cancer. She spent her last year excited for my wedding, she had already bought her outfits, an evening change too, she felt so good in her weight loss she wanted to show it off. All I know is she died comfortable knowing I was ok and happy, she enjoyed her last year enormously and was finally at a point in her life with no money worries and looking good. It’s tragic for us but I really know my mum would have HATED being sick for months or years on end. Strokes can be really cruel remember. My Nan had one, bounced back pretty well from it, but then went on to have 3 more. This resulted in 3 years unable to use her whole left hand side, unable to talk or feed herself, unable to walk, and spending those last years in a care home. I promise you I know it’s still utterly awful. I’m not fine, it’s only been 8 weeks for me and I am still in shock. But we cannot feel guilty. We’re not superhuman, we didn’t know, we don’t have the answers, all I hold on to is that this death for my mum would actually have been a good way to go. X
Hi,
You are right that my mum wouldn’t have wanted to be in a care home. First of all I thought the operation killed her and I was so angry and guilty that I had rowed with the hospital the day before as they were going to cancel it. I told them that i was aware of NICE guidelines and that the operation must be done within 2 weeks of a mini stroke.they gave in at 5pm on the 12th june and I took mum in on the morning of the 13th for the op. The doctor told us not to blame the op as without it mum would have suffered a major stroke which would have killed her outright or led to her being non independent. I know mum would have hated that. At times I am grateful that mum died whilst she was sleepy from the local anaesthetic and wouldn’t have known that she was dying.
The post mortem informed us that the op was a success and that mum suffered a major stroke quite coincidentally in the recovery room. In my better moments I can clearly see that if it didnt happen on that day it would have been in the sats or weeks following when she was at home, with my daughter or me and thizceoukd have been extremely traumatic.
However, my better moments are very few and far between. Most of the time I’m consumed with why this had to happen, could I have saved her, if she had reported her mini stroke earlier to the hospital could she still be here?
My head spins all day.
Incidentally, my mum lost alot of weight in her last year and was so happy having been a couple of stone overweight all her adult life going from a 14 to 16 to a 12. Her chest bone was protruding and her arms had lost all their muscle mass. I was half expecting them to find cancer in the post mortem but it was heart disease. I guess her body was just failing.
It’s so hard without them isn’t it? I’m actually coping far worse as the weeks go on. I dont think it helps that christmas is looming x
Hi
How are you feeling today?
Cheryl x
How old was your mum?
I’m guessing she was quite a bit younger than mine and yet I feel so cheated. Mine was 74 but so young in mind and always messing about, funny and active. She was laying all the decorative stone in my garden in may. We also went to see a concert at the 02 in may spending hours walking round london beforehand. I cant believe she went from this functional to dead in a few weeks
My mum was 64, she didn’t even get to retire. I’m 29 and my sister 30, well I was 28 when she died it was 10 days before my birthday. Just rubbish really. It does sound so distressing what you went through with your mum there, I can totally understand why you would feel like you could have done something but you really could not have. These things do just happen in life. I am lucky to have had my mum as my mum, she was very pragmatic about life and death and brought me up understanding it as best she could, as my dad died when we were 7 and 8 years old. Dont get me wrong I still have all of those screaming crying moments, I hate that I have to accept that this is forver, that she wont be at my wedding, or at my childrens births when they come along, but I know she would be so sorry she had to die. We cant change what has happened to us all here. We just need to keep doing what we are doing, talk about our mums, lean on each other, maybe in time we can start to share some happy memories and it will bring us all a bit more peace. The shock is definitely overwhelming.
You talk with so much sense. When my dad died suddenly at 53 we were in such shock but we threw ourselves into being together and I figured this was one blip in my life.
Then for mum to go like this has reevaluated everything for me.
Its very sad that your mum was only 64 and hadnt retired. Also you and your sister are very young to have lost both parents.
Although my sister and I still act and like to think we are in our 20s we are 47 and 48.
But because mum was so silly and young in the way she acted we didnt think of ourselves as all getting older.
I like the way your mum reacted to life and death. It sounds just like my sisters attitude but my mum and I weren’t like that. We bury our heads in the sand and pretend it isn’t happening.
You are right, we do just have to get on with it but I’m finding life very hard as I’m sure you are x
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Totally! My sister is a head in the sander too! I think you are doing very well sharing on here, and you are also still too young to have lost both parents. We’ll all get there hour by hour day by day. We just need to keep trying to put one foot in front of the other and remember our mums would not want us getting ill or becoming severely depressed over their death. Make some time for you, I’ve recently started counselling and shes told me I need to give myself permission to grieve a bit more in the daytime, try and make a bit of time for you, sit with a cup of tea and think about mum, have a little cry let it out, but try and do it healthily. She said its normal to be sad but we want to get to a point where I cry when I think about Mum not when I’m loading the dishwasher. I am sure lots of you will relate. x
I’ve just left my 4th counselling session and am on my train home. I’m not sure it’s doing anything for me but she says the same as yours. Also she just told me to stop questioning when life is going to get better or when I’m going to start crying less. She said that it’s just putting pressure on myself. I should just accept that this is my life at the moment and to recognise the little things that have got better in the last month, like returning to work or starting to sleep better.
It does make sense. She also said that our story that we had in our heads of our mums living for another 20 years hasnt gone ahead as planned so we have to rewrite our stories.
I think that’s probably the same for you x
That completely resonates with me thank you for sharing her advice, she is right. It doesn’t stop it being just AWFUL, but we just cannot sustain the energy to keep beating ourselves up wishing things would just go back.
x
It would be wonderful to just sit around a table. To talk, perhaps a bit laugh and weep.
I can’t properly process what happened. It feels unreal. It’s too final.
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