Hello everyone, I am new here so I’m not really sure what to expect. I just wanted to share a little about what I am currently experiencing in the hope that someone can reassure me I am not going mad. In August 2023 my 53 year old mum passed away, following a very traumatic 2 years in which she almost resided in hospital for that duration. We were told 4 times during that 2 years that she wouldn’t make it and each time we prepared for the worst. On 27th August after her 86th admission we came together and made the decision that she couldn’t go on this way anymore. She was desperately unwell and in a lot of pain. We made the decision to stop treatment and make her comfortable. She passed away a few hours later. I feel some level of guilt for this as I know she would never have wanted to give up, but also I recognise that she equally couldn’t go on in such a cruel way. 2 weeks after my mum passed away my father moved to the other side of the country. They weren’t together anymore and hadn’t been for many years however at a crucial point in my life he disappeared. During all of this, I had only just undergone IVF and had a little baby that I was so grateful for but couldn’t enjoy because I almost had to give him to anyone that could care for him in order to spend time with my dying mother and then come to terms with the grief. Fast forward 9 months and my maternal uncle passed away in very similar circumstances to my mum, 3 months later my other uncle passed away following an accident and 20 months to the date of my mothers passing my auntie died of a sudden heart attack.
I feel so overwhelmed with grief that I don’t feel anything except chaos and anxiety in my own mind. I can’t think clearly, I’m constant telling myself that life is short I need to do everything yesterday which is creating to much overwhelm in my own mind. I don’t know where or how to stop and even begin to process any of this.
I work in an environment where I support children with disabilities and the constant conversations about care packages and end of life is haunting me. I took 6 months of work following my mums passing but I feel like I need to take time off again but I’m worried what others will think.
I’ve spoken to the GP and put my name on a waiting list for counselling but I am told it could be months if not years.
Any advice would be welcomed.