Complicated grief

Is there anyone who has or is experiencing complicated grief?

My partner died 20 months ago. We had known each other for 20 years but we’re only together for 3 years.

Our relationship was difficult and I felt trapped in it. His last few weeks were a bit of a pantomime what with ex wives visiting him and children that didn’t know his secrets, that I was keeping!

I found out he’d been having some kind of ‘friendship’ with my so called best friend in the summer prior to his death. I knew nothing of this. He’d been vile about me in messages to her and she’d been reciprocating.

I broke down in the hospital when I found all this out. I was ostracised by him and everyone involved.

There was the first ex wife openly kissing and cuddling him infront of me and telling him she loved him.

I was a spare part and so was my son.

It goes on but I don’t want to bore anyone else.

I feel completely alone.

I feel I don’t fit in any particular group of bereaved because we weren’t married, it wasn’t a happy ever after relationship and the end was horrific.


Hi @Lisaann5 , You dont have to fit in with any group, you are bereaved, and that’s the reality… Is it ever uncomplicated? I doubt it! Bereavement is just as real if we lose a job, a house, even a pet etc.
I think you’ll find that many of us when bereavement strikes, we then burden ourselves with thoughts we dont want to carry about. Often with things that happened in our relationships, which hurt us.
Easy as it sounds we have to find a way of putting these things behind us, and despatch them to history, accepting that not all the issues are our fault. (I had a bad day yesterday, allowing these negative thoughts to come forward. I refused to accept these thoughts and today I’m fine).
Consider some therapy, such as CBT, Meditation, hypnosis, mindfulness etc, or even talking to us!!
I chose hypnosis, and its been a great help. I hypnotise myself regularly, I did it yesterday, and that is why I feel much better today.
Battle on, you’ll be ok.


You fit in this group. Your partner died and we are here to support you. Some lives are complicated, some relationships are complicated. It sounds like you went through an horrific experience, dealing with loss and betrayal.
Im sorry you had to go through this. Vent here when you need to .


@tykey for hypnosis, do you try a particulate app or programme? Do you feel a connection to your wife under hypnosis?
I’m interested in doing it but don’t know where to start.

Lisaanne5 Please don’t think you are alone in coping with very confusing feelings about your partner s death I think many people have experienced a difficult relationships with their partners but also really cared about them I am sure lots of people discover things about their partner after their death they would rather not know.Sadly some people don’t want to talk to you about it and you are made to feel guilty about speaking “ Ill of the dead “. Try as find some one you can talk to about it to who won’t see it as inappropriate This will help relieve your feelings a bit

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Hi @ Ali. Please dont think that the hypnosis is anything like the stage act, where you can be made to do stupid things. Its really a bad name for it. What happens is that we relax into almost a trance like state, but still aware of what goes on. The therapist then talks to our subconcious (although we hear it) and coaches the subconcious to learn new skills and habits. In my case, I needed to stop regurgitating bad memories from my past and keep replaying them. Its a very interesting and enjoyable experience. I actually used a therapist over zoom. A lovely gentle man who talked to me for half an hour, then did the hypnosis for half an hour. The course was 10 hours in total. He left me with a hypnosis tape which I still use.
Joeb, a friend on here also used him and said it was a lifesaver. He can be found at If I remember rightly, the first session is free.
And yes, it really helped with how I remember Penny, I dont beat myself up anywhere near as much as I used to.


Hi @tykey. I lost my dear husband 26 weeks today and I am in a distraught state, have cried throughout the day.
My husband had cancer and I cared for him. Towards the end of his life there were some dreadful times, he died in my arms. I keep having flashbacks and beat myself up, thinking I could have done more. I was interested in what you said about hypnosis … do you think it could help me?
Thank you.

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Thank you for your kind words.

At times he wasn’t a very nice man but no one wanted to hear that or understood why I broke down at the hospital. Nor did anyone understand why I was so upset that the first ex wife, of over 20 years, came and didn’t leave!

She even wanted a say in arrangements after he’d gone. Using her two grown up sons as the reason for her being there.

I was so out of my depth and overwhelmed.

It’s not just the grief, it’s the aftermath of being treated so badly.

He was moved from our local hospital to the ex wife’s home and died there. No one told me they had moved him.

So even in death he was spiteful to me.

How am I ever going to trust someone?

I know there’s no answer.


Hi @Rome18. I think it might help you. Id have a chat with him. A lot depends on how honest you are with yourself, and your openmindedness (is there such a word?)

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@tykey yes, I’ve had hypnotherapy before and recently after my partner died, I just wondered how you accessed it. Thank you :blush:

You must feel very hurt and confused about the way you were treated by your partner and angry too It must be very confusing to be mourning his death at the same time. Life is very unkind and my own experience has a lot in common with yours You will need to find a way to let go of your hurt and anger These feelings are very damaging to you both mentally and physically and you have been hurt enough Try to live in the present Remember you matter and nothing is permanent.

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My present is very lonely and feeling pretty worthless to anyone.

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Don’t let this define you.Try to remember all the positive things you have done in your life U are not worthless U should try and get some professional help and talk to sympathetic friends and relatives to relieve your feelings Take care


I so understand what you have said and i feel sad for you… its a horrible place to find yourself in… Susie x