I’m wary of posting this in case it upsets someone. I apologise in advance and hope no-one feels any pressure to reply.
My Mum passed away last week, I know at least one of my siblings will be seeing her. But I’m scared (even though I’m in my 50’s.) I’m scared of seeing her, dealing with regret if I don’t etc. It makes it worse as well in my mind if I see her because I didn’t feel able to see my Husband 5 years ago when he passed away. I’m thinking I should have found the strength to see him if I manage to find the strength to see Mum. I really don’t have a clue what I’m saying.
I understand only myself can tell myself what to do but wondered how people reached their conclusions, if anyone is able to.
Again, sorry to upset anyone and thanks and compassionate thoughts to all
Dear @Tina19, as you say it’s a decision only you can make. I went to see both my mum and my husband but honestly, I felt nothing. They weren’t there; it really was just an empty body. I felt no presence in the room at all. Add to this that neither of them looked right. My mum’s mouth looked wrong and my husband’s neck and jowl appeared to be thick; all down to gravity I would suspect. It was so different that I asked the funeral director if his mouth etc had been padded out. They did assure me that it hadn’t. I apologise if this is too much information. I think what I’m trying to say is that if you choose not to go then don’t feel guilty.
Incidentally, I feel my husband’s presence every day in our home which is where he loved to be.
Make the right decision for you. I am so sorry for your loss.
Hi Tina
I agree absolutely with Kate. I went with my husband to see his mum and he was so distressed and queried if it really was his mother as she looked so different. He never got over it. I chose not to see my own mother or father or anyone in my family including my husband. He was so ill and frail when he died and I preferred to remember him as the tall good looking man he was and not the sick man he became, who I nursed to the very end.
Like Kate I keep him with me, he is in my heart and soul and I feel no guilt at not seeing him after he died. I wanted no more reminders of how ill and in pain he had been but the decision must be yours but don’t let anyone talk you into doing anything you don’t feel comfortable with.
xxx
@ Tina19 hi Tina I was 13 when my mum died and I wasn’t allowed to see her in the Chapel. I was with her when she died and that is the picture that stays in my mind of her . When Pauline died in April I didn’t go to see her in the Chapel as I wanted to remember her alive and smiling as she was the last time I saw her. It’s a choice only you can make . I regret that I didn’t see pauline but I think I made the right choice. Do what’s right for you. Take care x
There isn’t a right and wrong, I went to see Shell, maybe to say goodnight for the last time, I was numb, like an out of body experience. Am I glad I went, probably, it felt right for me,its a decision , that only make, I wish you the courage you need, the funeral was a blur, I was there, but not there, if you know what I mean.
Take care.
Thankyou so much each and every one of you for sharing with me your thoughts and experiences. It’s a brave thing to do and I appreciate it greatly. The kindness and willingness to offer support knows no bounds here. Thankyou all again. Take care. x
Tina 19 firstly I’m sorry for your loss. I went to see my husband I wanted to see him in his clothes I picked out for him his Manchester United coat and his best trousers he looked very smart and I put a wedding photo by his heart. I’m glad I went and could say goodbye and tell him I love him and always will. The only bit I didn’t like was feeling how cold he was. You must do what’s best for you it not something someone can really advise but whatever you decide to do hope it gives you some comfort and don’t beat yourself up. Take care Tina xxx
Very sorry Misprint on the loss of your soulmate. I appreciate your reply. It seems it’s one of those incredibly difficult situations where you only know the answer after you’ve made the choice. Take care and thanks so much for giving your thoughts x
That is the one thing, she didn’t look real, I put some flowers in, and a little note,Shells sister put her some Haribo sweets in, Shell liked America hard gums, especially the black, and the red ones. She also took one of her beloved Winnie the pooh bears,with her.
Take care.
Tina this is absolutely your decision. I’ve lost my
Mum, Dad, sister, niece and last Easter my husband. I chose to see them all, it all depends how you wish to remember them. My husband died on our bedroom floor after hours the paramedics tried to revive him. There were tubes and he was intubated so when I visited him in the chapel of rest it was how I wanted to remember him. Clean and tidy and in his own clothes. It wasn’t pleasant but I found peace being there with him and saw him three times before the funeral. Will I always remember him that way ? Course not I’ll remember the good times we had and when he was fit and healthy. Don’t be fooled though when people say “it’s like they’re asleep” he didn’t look asleep he was just a shell of the most wonderful husband he was. Whatever your decision it’s ok. Will you regret not going, perhaps you may regret going - there’s no easy answer.
Hope this helps
Georgina
You should not feel pressured by anyone or anything. My 25 year old daughter passed away suddenly in august. I always think they look like they are just sleeping peacefully. Don’t have regrets you will do what is right at the time. X
Hello
Thanks Georgie for your openness and kind reply. Yes, it helps a lot what you have said. I think it helps because it’s another realistic and candid point of view from someone who has experienced it. (I’m really sorry to have read about all the heartbreak in your life). It helps to know what people have thought after going through with this massive decision. Thankyou very much for your kindness and take care.
Thankyou Mrsmac. I’m sorry to have read about what’s happened to you. I can’t begin to imagine your heartache and I truly appreciate your reply. I’ll probably be in turmoil over it until the 11th hour as they say but I suppose I’ll know, when I know. Thanks so much again.
My mum and Dad have died during the last three years . I saw them both at the funeral home and still remember seeing them vividly .
My son then passed away suddenly two years ago and because I had those memories of Mum and Dad I chose to not see him . I went over my decision a hundred times but I saw him the day before he died and chose to remember him like that . I’m glad I did because I remember him all the time and my memories are all of him alive . I wrote a letter to him and put it in his coffin and I know he read it as a spiritualist told me what I had written .
Do what is right for you - not what you think is expected of you . Much love .
Thanks HJP
Time is running out now. My Sister just told me she went last week but didn’t say anything so she’d put me under no pressure. My Brother said he is going, which leaves me as the only one left if I don’t go. I’m starting to think it’s the very least I can do for my Mum and wonder if I don’t if I could ever possibly manage the inevitable guilt for the rest of my life. My mind is in shreds trying to reach a decision. I truly appreciate your insightful comments and thanks again for taking trouble to reply. Take care HJP
Oh Tina my heart breaks for you. You always knew it would be a difficult decision and just because you brother and sister are seeing your Mum you must make your own mind up. There is no easy answer is there ? If there is no pressure from your siblings just do what your heart tells you. Would your mum go to see you ? Course she would but that doesn’t mean you have to do the same. Or this could be the last thing you do for your mum. Whatever you decide darling it’ll be ok. You’ve got this
Hugs from me
Georgina z
Do not feel pressurised , it’s your decision, no right, no wrong. Do not ever feel guilt, what ever decision you make. Your mum, would never judge, I went to see Shell, but the image I have of her, is not the one of her lying there motionless, it’s the one of us happy, laughing, and yes having some storming fall outs, I wish you an inner peace, regardless of what decision you make.
Take care. X
My partner , ex husband and daughter all saw my son . They truly understood when I said I needed to remember him alive . I went to the hospital mortuary when they all saw him but I couldn’t go in. My daughter went to the funeral home and so did my ex- husband but I didn’t . My daughter took some pics of his tattoos ( which he loved ) but I haven’t been able to look at them yet .
Do I regret it ? No . Sometimes I think I should have gone , but I hear my son in my ear saying “it’s fine Mum” He would know how broken I felt / feel and he would be ok with that I know . I can’t bear the thought of remembering him like I saw my Mum and Dad and still have those pictures in my head . Everyone is different . Some of us can cope and some of us can’t . Do what is right for you as nobody will judge you . Take care XX
you may regret going - there’s no easy answer.