Confused

My mum died 6 months ago - she was my bestest mate and only 50. I literally spent the day with her one day, the next day I got a call to say she was rushed into hospital and she never came home…

When she died I threw myself into her funeral, sorting her house, my job and spending time with my little one. So many people told me I was strong, I was brave and I thought yeah I’ve got this.

This week though - I don’t know if it’s because it’s her birthday coming up (which is also the same day as my little boys) I feel like I’ve been hit with a ton of bricks - I don’t want to get out of bed, I feel angry - really angry and I keep getting teary at stupid pointless stuff…is this normal 6 months later? I also feel kind of embarrassed like people have told me how strong I’ve been for so long and how silly will I look now when I have a emotional breakdown. I’m still young (ish) haha and This is the first person I’ve lost that I’ve been so close to so no idea if this is normal or not?

Hi tasha,

Sorry to hear about your mum. You are a bit further on than me. My mum died suddenly on the 14th june of a brain hemorrhage and I havent stopped crying for 15 weeks.
I miss her so much it hurts and I feel so down. I still havent gone back to work and have just started counselling.
There is no normal when it comes to grief and the fact that you are getting tearful now is normal for you.
You will have suffered shock and trauma at losing your mum and she was so young.
I too get embarrassed because I feel that people think I must be getting over it by now. I avoid people more now than at the beginning for this reason. My counsellor told me that it’s common for grief to last for 1 to 2 years before things get better.
As for being angry this is normal too. I’m angry.
Angry that my mum is gone. Angry I didnt force her to the doctors when I could see there was something wrong with her and she told me to stop treating her like a baby.
Angry that mum didnt take care of herself when she was so needed and loved.
I dont think you will look silly if you start showing emotions 6 months down the line.is counselling something you would consider? I’ve only had 1 session so I cant say it is helping yet but it does give someone to talk to who doesn’t judge.
My daughter and partner dont want to talk about mum which doesnt help me.
All I want to do is go back in time 4 months when mum was happy and very much alive.
Thinking of you x

Hi

Sorry to hear about your mum also. It’s a shame you haven’t been able to return back to work yet but the feelings must still be raw and only you will know when your ready.

I just feel like I went back to work 2 days after my mum died because I wanted to distract myself and I guess I looked and acted “fine” now 6 months down the line it will probably look very odd if I start asking for time off.

I have looked at counselling but it seems to be a very long waiting list for my area? I haven’t really looked into a private counsellor yet but I guess it’s something I could consider.

Is there a reason your partner and child don’t want to talk about it? That’s must be very frustrating for you. Well, you are welcome to message me anytime - sometimes it helps to talk to someone going through similar and no judgment here :slight_smile:

Hi Tasha
Sorry about the loss if your mum, if you now need time off work then that’s not unusual often we cope with traumatic things at the time then down the line it hits us, my dad died suddenly in May and my emotions are all over the place I’m still not back at work as I’m so emotionally exhausted and forgetful I’m not responsible enough to do my particular job I do feel guilty and think people will judge me but on the other hand I know I’m being responsible, you should consider the free counselling from Sue Ryder they offer an assessment then 6 sessions via video link if it’s right for you, I’ve had 4 so far which I was nervous about at first but it’s an opportunity to discuss how you feel with no judgment and a support. Remember to take some time out for yourself

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Thank you.
My daughter is 12 and my mum raised her with me. Telling my daughter her nan had died was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but her reaction was strange. She cried for 2 days solid but has been fine since. She doesn’t like talking about her though and gets upset when I do. If she can just go to school, chat to friends and do her own thing she is fine.
With my partner we have talked so much about mum that he doesn’t feel there is anything left to say and he is keen for the sadness to go.
My friends dont call much anymore as I see is common from this forum. So that leaves me still wanting to talk and go over what happened.
The counsellor has given me someone to talk to without feeling guilty.
I am also on the waiting list for CBT with the NHS. I think this may be useful for changing the way I think and turning negative thoughts away.

Thinking of you.

Cheryl x

Ahh kids are funny little things aren’t they…my little boy is 9 and very much the same, he used to spend hours with my mum whilst I was at work and they had so much fun together but when I told him she was gone he pretty much said ok and got on with it, he has mentioned her since but then to be fair I never talk about her either as I find it easier to “get on with things” so o guess he just mirrors my behaviour

That’s a shame about your friends, I think people struggle on how to react and end up distancing themselves but it’s still early days for you and hopefully in time the counselling will help. It’s good you can come on here also and hopefully make new friends who understand your situation xxx

My partner cannot understand why I spend so much time online. I have felt so much comfort seeing other people’s stories and how they feel and cope. To see that others have the same regrets and guilt and more importantly to see that everything is normal.
Also some loved ones have suffered terribly and it makes me grateful that my mum didnt,she simply fell asleep and never woke up.
Although I feel she was taken from me 15 years early, I wouldn’t have wanted to see her decline or suffer knowing how bad her heart and arteries were.
How are you feeling today? X

Hi Tasha so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband and sole mate last November and I did exactly the same thing. I took everything on board sorted all the practical things that had to be done, everybody told me how amazing I was. It was as though I was running away from what had happened and if I ran fast enough it wouldn’t catch up with me. Then six months down the line I too hit a brick wall. I am struggling with depression and anxiety at the moment but trying hard to be positive. I think you have to be kind to yourself and accept all these feelings as part of the journey we are on. Take care x

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I guess it’s easier for you to come online and speak to people who ha e been through the same whereas your partner has to support you because that’s kind of his job

I feel ok today weirdly enough, maybe I was having a bad night or maybe I’m happy it’s payday lol who knows. How are you ? Xxxx

Sorry to hear about your husband, it must be so hard for you. I guess its kind of like a delayed grief isn’t it, I didn’t even think that was a thing but I agree…we should be kind to ourselves and each other xxx

Hi tasha,

I’m glad you’re ok today. I’ve had a very tearful morning but a better afternoon as I’ve done some gardening which always helps me.
My worst days are Thursday, friday and every other Saturday as this is when my daughter is at her dads. My partner works long hours so these are the days that I would have been with mum when I got home from work and enjoyed a glass of wine and chat together
She also had her brain hemorrhage on the Thursday and died on the Friday so those days are always worse for me x

Yeah that makes sense because you haven’t got any distractions…I feel the same on Sundays as we always use to do something together ina Sunday. Kind of Leaves a Empty feeling doesn’t it?

Is there anything you could do to take your mind of it on those certain days? Something you enjoy doing maybe?

The problem is that mum lived with us so its hard to escape the constant absence.
I’m going back to work soon and although I’m anxious about being with people again I do think it will be good for me.
My mum would be very upset that I’ve allowed her death to affect my summer,my career and my happiness. X

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