Constant loss

Hi all,
I stumbled across this site I thought I’d give it a go not quite sure what else to do.
3 years ago I lost my nanny Sandra to terminal cancer, I’ve got so much guilt and anger still. There was so much I wanted to say to her on the last day I saw her but I didn’t for whatever reason it never really sank in the whole situation it didn’t feel real it didn’t sink in that this was the last time I would ever see her. I’ve struggled with this a lot and have so much guilt
2 weeks later my other nanny died from terminal cancer, She didn’t want to see anyone when she got taken in to hospital for the last time, I kissed her on her head told her I loved her and never saw her again.
3 months later my uncle died from a heart attack
This year 4 months ago my nanny with the birds passed (grandma she never liked being called this)
I’m struggling a lot to cope with there passing, I have no one to talk to, every time I try to talk to my mum she breaks down same with my grandad. I became this rock of the family I was holding everyone together and reassuring them and being there emotion rock but now I just want the pain to go away I’ve thought about going to spiritual meetings to see if this would help me deal with it.
I have a massive issue with loss, I feel like I’ve been jinx I worry about anyone I let it and love will die. My partner recently just had a car crash and is very lucky to be alive. When I got the phone call I felt like how I did when I heard the news about nan my worlds just came crashing down. I just feel like I’m loosing everyone around me. I still can’t talk about in detail about my nanny Sandra it kills me I just want my heart to stop hurting from this pain.
I miss them terribly I just want to find a way to cope and get on with my life but still have them along side me

Oh. Taaay I do feel so sorry. You sure have had your share of pain. As I understand it this question of guilt comes up often. But you know we shouldn’t feel it so much. Whatever we did that we now may think was wrong then, was often the best we could do at the time. Looking back I can think of a hundred ways I could have made my wife’s life better, but at the time I did my best; that’s all any of us can do. Yes, I do feel some guilt, but I have to see that it’s a result of negative thinking. My wife is in a nursing home and is expected to pass at any time now. What will happen after I don’t know, but I will do my best not to upset those around me. It’s so difficult to let the past go, but we must if we are going to move on. We will never forget our departed loved ones, but I am sure they would not want us to grieve too much and be miserable. Blessings.

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Thank you this has helped me to see it differently, I think just the circumstances while I was growing up I saw one a lot more than the others and so on. This all happened at the age of just turning 20, At the time it really mucks with your head. It all happened so fast from when they got diagnosed we had so little time.
There’s just so much they have missed out on and it just hurts a lot.
Oh I am sorry to hear that, Thinking of you at this time.

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