Exactly one year ago today my husband went to the hospital to get results of some scans he had, No one had suspected anything that serious, so imagine our shock when he was diagnosed with Terminal lung cancer. His only symptom was a pain in his shoulder, Because of covid I was not allowed to go with him so he was alone. He phoned and said to me “it’s bad, but I am ok”, he was always such a brave soul. But it got worse, two days later the consultant phoned again and told us that they had missed something on the scan and that Brian also had cancer of the spine. They never gave us a time scale but he died in August the same year. I miss him so much, people say it will get better but it doesn’t. I feel that I just going through the motions. A walking zombie, just an empty shell of the person I used to be.
Hi Misty. I completely understand how you feel. I lost my husband ten months ago to cardiac arrest. My life felt like it ended at that moment. I love him so much and that love will never stop. I feel anxious all the time. I take antidepressants and sleeping tablets. The anxiety is such that I had to phone the doctor today. She has recommended taking Quetiapine. I will give it a shot but hate taking tablets. If it was for diabetes I would probably take without question but because it’s my mental health I worry. Does anyone else take medication and does it help x
Hi Nel
My husband passed away 18 weeks ago,my life feels over to I agree the anxiety and stress is painful,struggling every day without him all our plans for the future gone,don’t know how are to get through this misery
I had to get in touch with the doctor,always said I would never take medication but I felt so bad and have been taking antidepressants,I think they make me feel a little calmer
but the heartbreak continues
Take care
Christine x
We’ve Just lost all our hopes and dreams alongside our soulmates, how could we ever be ok ?? medication, counselling it still ends up ultimately us being alone and having to cope, thinking of everyone on our sad journey xx
Hi MAB
As you say, we are all alone on our awful journey.
I’m trying so hard to be positive but it’s impossible. I’ve tried reaching out to neighbours but they are too busy with their own lives. There are no local bereavement support groups where at least we could meet and chat face to face. My family are supportive but live over a hundred miles away or in a different country and I’ve no close friends nearby.
I’ve spent over five hours today sat in my car and reading. I drove to where my husband and I used to love walking. The next time I will speak to someone I know is Sunday afternoon.
I’ve made a few acquaintances but I could never tell them how I’m actually feeling and that I dread returning to the house without Ian there. They are nice people but have their own lives.
I’m going to have to move but cannot face this at the moment. I never thought my life would become this. It would have been so much easier if we had passed away together.
Take care everyone,
Julie x
Hi yes it’s all such a mess and not able to think straight, I live with my two adult sons but they’re quite demanding and becoming impatient with me, I think they’re waiting to be back to normal but that’s never going to happen, it just seems so wretched and there’s no way out of the abyss, what to do ?? I can’t rally round at all and can’t bear to look too far into the future, my niece has invited me to a baby shower on Sunday and I long to feel carefree and happy as I was before but know I’ll be miserable and just pretending to everyone that I’m ok and I feel I should make myself go because if I don’t there’s no hope for me ever xx
It’s so difficult for us all. For short moments on some days I actually feel like I did before, but then it hits and usually twice as hard.
I get so tired pretending because you don’t want people to get fed up with you. My anxiety levels are esculating like never before, and then there’s the weekend coming. It keeps getting harder and harder to cope. I just literally feel like crying all the time 
Hi Karen
Weekends are so difficult aren’t they. Everyone else is so busy with their own families that it’s the loneliest time of the week. I dread them and it is so tiring just pretending all is ok.
I’m 33 weeks along this nightmare and it is getting harder as the reality of the situation is gradually hitting me.
Take care of yourself,
Julie x
Karen Louise
I know how you feel I’m getting to be like a hermit most time s
If I have to speak to someone I just break down,spending more time on my own except when my son or daughter visit
I doubt I will sleep well tonight I’ve been very anxious this evening feels like my heart is pounding
I feel so sorry for us all going through this grief, my husband passed away 18 weeks ago and I miss him every minute it’s a struggle every day,heartbreaking
Take care
Christine x
Hi Julie
Yes, I keep getting to a point where I think this is the worst it can be, that there is no human possibility it can be any worse, then boom…it gets even worse.
The reality part is awful and I can’t see how that will ever change. The pretending iyou are okay and coping is utterly draining.
I hate Wednesday’s, as the day moves along I can feel my anxiety grow. My husband fell ill on a Wednesday night. Friday afternoon if the same week he passed, so Friday has become a really bad day, then of course your in to the weekend.
Take care and thank you for y message
Karen x
Oh Christine, it’s just heart breaking for us all. Take good care of yourself 
I too struggle every day. I wake every morning with anxiety and then have to face the long day ahead. I spoke to my doctor who prescribed Quetiapine but when I read about it it has horrendous side effects that are very debilitating and is not licensed for anxiety. It is generally given for schizophrenia and severe mental health. I am not taking it. I would end up feeling worse if that’s possible
I to pretend to be okay as friends seem to get sick of the grief and sadness They don’t want to hear it after a while. They ask if you are okay out of courtesy and don’t really want a reply other than I’m ok it’s a very sad life I am living, a half life without H.
It has been ten months and I feel worse the more time passes. X
Hi Karen
My husband died on a Friday morning, 33 weeks tomorrow.
He went to hospital on the Monday afternoon and was actually on a stretcher to come home on the Friday. The ambulance crew advised me that he wouldn’t make it, so he was put back in his bed and and he passed away 45 minutes later. So like you, Fridays are always a difficult day for me.
Since then, life has been pointless.
Take care,
Julie x
Oh Julie,
I can totally relate to how you feel. It’s so hard carrying on with everything and nothing. I can’t see an end to how I feel with my husband, Ian, not being here, I just simply miss him all the time.
Today I had a friend trying to console me by saying “you’ve done so well making fairy steps forward and it’s okay to slip back” this was well intentioned but it made me realise that it isn’t that I slip back, it’s because “my pretend I’m okay face” slips off sometimes, because it never goes away and keeping up the pretence you’re doing fine us really hard and exhausting xxx
Hi Karen
My husband’s name is Ian as well. I’m sat in the car at one of our favourite places. We always bought a take away coffee and sat here before off walking. I’m don’t walk here as quite a lonely spot but sit and read for hours.
You’re so right when you talk about our pretend face slipping. Most people don’t really want to know that you are feeling so awful inside.
Like you, I just want my Ian back and the life we shared.
Take care,
X Julie
Hi Julie,
It’s so hard going to places you went together. You kind of want to go because they hold special treasured memories, but on the flip side they are also an in your face reminder that they’re not here.
It’s feels such a lonely life, even though it’s only been 8 weeks. It’s funny because my Friend said today that she couldn’t believe it has been two months already, I really wanted to tell her it hadn’t been two months, it had been eight weeks because it felt like she was wishing even more time passed. I know she didn’t mean that at all but at the moment in time, when your greif brain is in overdrive that was my thought.
Sending hugs
Karen x