I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live like this either, I lost everything in June when my wife took her own life she was 43. The guilt is extreme, as I know she wanted to live and although it was her decision I know there was more I could have done and would have done once you realise the loss that this is. I’m in counselling which helps and have a lot of support from family but it still doesn’t change the fact I’ve lost everything. I’m scared to take medication as when I lose it in grief, I know I’m still there and with my own emotions. People tell you to take each day as it comes but you can’t control your brain and it runs away into the future, which you don’t want to see without your wife, which makes you feel worse by contemplating a further life. I’ve withdrawn from my friends as I don’t want to be around happy people, I don’t enjoy doing anything I used to do. I have 2 children 15 and 17, and although I fear of them being parentless I’ve put everything in place in case something happens to me. She was the love of my life, I literally loved everything about her, I’m so lonely, although you want to be alone…you can’t win…and it’s all you ever think about…I’m struggling massively
I’m so sorry for the pain that you are suffering. I lost my lovely husband 7 weeks ago and I too wonder if I could have done more and feel guilty even though I know it was beyond my control, it still hurts. It hurts to think about the future sometimes it is unbearable but I try to think what would my husband have wanted me to do and while that gives me a little comfort that’s as far as it goes. Like you say you can’t control your brain and you can’t stop the thoughts. Perhaps like me your not ready to think of the future only the here and now, maybe that’s all we can expect and hope for at the present
The future is another time and place and I know that I am not ready to go there yet, who knows maybe one day!