Continuing grief

I lost my father when I was 11, that means almost 8 years ago as I’m turning 19 this year…
It still hurts, I’m living with my grief but I miss him near holidays, when I want to sleep, weekends, when I see his family (my aunt and grandma’s) when I buy a book from the bookstore we used to go together, when I see his lighter or even in my happiest moments
I can’t remember him properly…I’m losing my memories
I try to imagine how he sounded like…how warm were his hands but I’m struggling
And the point is…I don’t feel comfortable with talking about it with someone close…they mostly have pittiness…so:)
And I never had the chance to talk or express my grief the way I wanted to because I’m an only child…I had no one to talk about, everyone were telling me to care about my mother and she cries when I talk about my father and I have to calm her again…
So I literally have no one and it still hurts
He died suddenly from thw stroke due to sleep apena…the night before I kissed him and said goodnight…the next morning I was awaken by my mother’s screaming his name
He throw up blood in front of me…not responding to me…I hold his hands for the last time before the emergency take him away…
I lost him that day…I gathered and hide his pictures of the walls because I was told to do it…to take care of my mother…I was just an 11 years old girl
Isn’t it taking so long?
I know it’s too long and I probably won’t get a respond but still…

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Hello @Narges

I’m so sorry to read about the loss of your father at such a young age. It sounds like this is really difficult for you particularly as you have been unable to express your feelings and open up about your grief.

I just wanted to reach out to thank you for sharing so honestly and to let you know there is lots of other support out there. I would really encourage you to speak to someone about how you are feeling. The following website might help you find support services closer to home:

You deserve care and support, @Narges - keep on reaching out.

Take care,

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I’m so thankful…
I could’ve say the event for the first time to someone and u heard me…
Thank you for listening and caring
It means so much to me

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@Narges we lost my children’s Dad (my soulmate) in a sudden & traumatic way. They left for school & then I had to have them taken out of school to tell them their Dad was dead. I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like to be a child and to suddenly lose your Dad. But I am glad you have shared your feelings and reached out!
We are all different, but we most surely all need someone to talk to, open up to, abd be listened to. My son immediately asked to speak to a counsellor & his sister just went quiet. It has been over 2 years now. My son has just started speaking to a counsellor again. My daughter writes me notes or lets me kniw she has spoen to a friend about how she misses her Dad.
I signed up for support from Sue Ryder & received wonderful counselling. There was lots of helpful advice in supporting young people - to help my children.
I hope you find support, and although we don’t know each other I send you my best wishes for good in your life & of love in the sadness that grief can bring.