Coping and not coping

My mum died 2 months ago after such a short cancer battle.as most mums are she was my person for all things good and bad and have never felt so close to someone apart from my own children but it’s a different dynamic with them. At first I felt empty numb and angry now I don’t really know what I feel. I miss her terribly but find it hard to cry around others or even by my self. Iv continued with normal life well but find my self just wanting to yell bugger off to every one and be left alone. Yet if some one asks if I’m ok I say yes.I find my self constintly annoyed with everything. I either sleep to much or not at all. Does this ever get better as I so want to get back to some sort of normality on the inside as well as out.

Hello Sue, welcome to our Online Community, I hope that you will find some comfort and help from others who are going through a similar tough time as you.
I’m sorry that your dear Mum passed away. It sounds as if it all happened quite quickly, so it must be hard for you to accept the fact that she is not here anymore. You obviously had a very special bond with your mother - built up over the years. So it is going to take a while for you to get used to not being able to talk with her, and share your ups and downs.
Please try and take things a day at a time - you don’t have to put on a ‘brave face’ to others all the time. It might help if you tell them how much you are struggling to make sense of your loss. When someone so close to you dies, you will gradually learn to adjust to what your new ‘normal’ life will be - but there will always be a special place inside you for your Mum.
I am thinking of you Sue, with kind regards, Jackie

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Hi Sue, may I first offer my heartfelt condolences for your loss. I feel your pain first hand as my mum has just passed away last month, she passed after all of thirteen days, she had a minor heart attack, which could have been corrected with drugs and was going to be, however, God bless her, she had a minor stroke, they then found a growth in her head which turned out to be a cancerous secondary tumour.
So, in thirteen days, we went from having a mum, with a distinct possibility of coming home to slipping away to the other side of life.

She was my best friend, my confidant, my rock and now I feel numb, I cant sleep I don’t feel hungry, I am wandering around in a bubble, its like being dropped into someone else’s life, its absolutely horrible, its a nightmare and I want to scream, cry, yell at anyone that will listen, I know this will gradually get better, and I also know my mum God rest her soul is all around me, with me, and she I believe is here because of signs that I have seen. I know things get better, if you would like to talk to me I would be only too happy to try and help you. at this sad time

Hi firstly I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum . I lost my mum to cancer on the 16th may this year I’m finding it so difficult to deal with we were so very close peas in a pod she was my life world and I was hers I nursed her intensively for over 7mths and last 3 months were really difficult I stayed with her 24/7 in the hospice . Now I feel like you I’m in a weird nightmare bubble . I feel so I’ll with it all and exhausted we lived together so it’s so empty now and when the reality hits the pain and sadness is unbearable . Gp and others have said a puppy dog would be a good idea as I love dogs and I am very lonely and miss caring . I can’t believe mum is not here but it’s weird I do feel like she is watching over me and trying to guide me. I do understand how you feel and sometimes it’s just nice to know you are not alone so if you ever feel like chatting in mugs then please do as losing your mum is the worst pain and all the confusing sad things that come with it . Hope I’m making sense as I’m so tired and dyslexic . Sending you my prayers and thoughts. Tray

Thank you its just so strange how life goes back to normal and you want it to but not at the same time. And try as they might people who haven’t been through it just don’t understand. I really do feel for you living where she was as going to my mums when it’s empty just doesn’t feel right. If you have the time a dog seems like a lovely idea

I don’t know what’s worse to have it happen so fast or drawn out guess there is just no nice way to go. Thoughts are with you hope you find some kind of happy in the future

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Hi Trey, very well said, I feel just like you - like being in a bubble, a nightmare of a bubble, it reminds me of being in an illusionist show here in UK, by the name of Derren Brown, he convinced people to do and see things that weren’t real, convince them of one thing when all along it was an act, not real, this however is very real and a real nightmare, I am so very sorry for your loss, it hurts it really does.
However, if it makes you feel any better, tonight for the first time since mum passed, I was locking up at work and felt someone watching me, I felt a presence, a warmth, more like a feeling of nausea, but I wasn’t scared or frightened, I knew it was my mum and she was there right next to me. When I got to my dad’s he said he had a surprise guest, - It was my mum - her ashes were on the sideboard in the urn.

I didn’t know dad was going to collect her till he said, but I knew it was my mum watching me and with me at work. Yes the pain and sadness is unbearable, but I hope one day I learn better how to deal with it better, the pain will always be there, but I will deal with it better.

It is so difficult to deal with a loved ones passing be it quick or slow, I suppose it depends on the individual, for me I suppose I was happier not seeing mum in pain if it had of gone on it would have been worse and mum would not have wanted that, so in one way I was ok with her passing quickly, but I never wanted to lose my mum does that sound weird, I miss her soo much it hurts every day.

I am so sorry for your loss please get in touch if you need to talk, I am here for you

Hi Trey, Its a true gut wrenching, heart breaking horrible nightmare, that is not my life, but yet it is. There is no nice way to go, you are quite right, but I know I will be OK, don’t know when, maybe years, but I will deal with it, after all I promised my mum I would be ok, I promised, We - the family would be OK, and I would look after them all, she had nothing to worry about and I would lose weight, so I don’t go back on my promises, especially to my mum - I will be OK I, we and you have to be strong and I am here if you need to talk

Hi it’s tray I am just seeing how you are doing ? I’m struggling very low sometimes it just doesn’t seem real and then I keep getting painful memory’s flash through my mind of when she was very ill and it guts me . I still feel I’m in a separate very painfully world nightmare to others. It’s just awful and I really miss her and that’s getting worse as the reality kicks in more. Just getting through a day a hour can be so tiring and a challenge and you can feel very alone. Life isn’t fair and so very cruel. I hope you are ok as you can. I’m here if you ever want to chat. Tray

Hi everyone,

I would like to introduce you all to a new member - Jeannie has posted for the first time and lost her mum three weeks ago, not long after a diagnosis of lung cancer.

If anyone feels like talking to Jeannie, you can read and reply to her post here: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/losing-my-mum-soo-quickly

Hi Tray,

Thanks for checking in with the others in this conversation, it is good to see people chatting and being supportive on the site. I am sorry to hear about all the pain you are feeling - I will be thinking of you.

I’m so sorry to hear your struggling but please know you are not alone. Every day is a struggle. What you say is exactly how I feel. The memory’s of the last moments do seem to over take the years of good ones but you just have to try and push the many lovely ones to the front x

Hi Sue, many many thanks for your lovely comments. Every day brings a better outlook, some days are worse than others, sometimes I catch myself crying at some songs, some I have to change and cant listen to them.

The memories are there, but I still cant believe mum is not there anymore, it just seems like someone is playing the worlds biggest practical joke, or I am in a coma and will wake up and realise all this is like a bad dream or something out of the “matrix”. But sadly no, I promised mum, everything would be ok, and I aim to keep my promise, as well as looking after the family.

All it takes is some memories to trigger the tears, but I hope they will be happy tears one day, I still have mums birthday to come in September and mum and dads wedding anniversary as well as Christmas, but I know if I got through the funeral I can get through all these things - I promised - and my mum is there looking down and protecting us - and she is not in pain any more and didn’t feel any pain as she passed, she knew nothing of the problem , she was a proud woman and would not have wanted to go through any of the pain or humiliation or stigma, she was a rock and my mum.

She will be remembered for all the right reasons and the happy days we have a tight family, yes we are in pain, and she would not have wanted us to feel any pain, she would have been most upset.

If you need to talk or just a shoulder, I am here please drop me a line on here, please I would like you to know that I know she is there and looking down on us sat at God’s table, I feel HIs peace and I offer you the same. I am here and my support and peace to you and yours With deepest sympathy Paul

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