I’m sorry for the long post but it’s the only way I can express how I’m feeling and how I got to where I am.
I retired from my job as a nurse in October last year after 41 years. My dad’s health was deteriorating and I was prepared to help care for him. He collapsed suddenly in November and I nursed him until he died 4 weeks later. I slept on the floor next to him as he wanted to be at home and I wanted to avoid hospital if I could manage it. He went into 24 he care for his last 3 days as the district nurses could not provide the medication at the time he needed it. I regret that I missed his death by a few hours but visited him once I got the call that he had died.
I was on the end of the phone day and night all through October & November as my mother would ring if anything was untoward with dad and I’d go immediately. I adored my dad, we had a great relationship.
After dad died I did all of the jobs that follows, arranged the funeral and then all of the sorting of pensions and banking etc.
My brother is still working and lives in the same village. After dad died he only visits once a week for 1 hr max. His wife & children don’t bother at all.
Dad died in December, I had my mother on Christmas Day, my brother offered to drop her at my house after taking her to see his grandchildren for 10 minutes on Christmas morning. My husband, my two children and mother did our best and we got Christmas Day over without too much upset.
I rang my mother on Boxing Day and offered to bring her to my house again but she declined as she’d spent Christmas Day with us. I think she expected my brother to collect her.
I honestly thought my brother & his wife would invite her on Boxing Day for a few hours but he never arrived so she rang him, he was going to the pub to watch the football !!
I had to collect her after she rang me in tears as she was bored and was lonely. My husband and I had an awful day, I was furious with my brother.
He visited her the day after Boxing Day with her Christmas present. My dad’s funeral had not taken place at this point as it was planned for the 30th of December it was an awful time. I had expected more from him, his wife and his 2 grown up children, due to the circumstances.
After the funeral I continued visiting almost daily, supporting my mother, taking her shopping and helping her with correspondence. I thought we were getting on top of things as I’d involved age uk to help with some benefits that I struggled with.
I had some tearful phone calls for help / advice. I rang my brother at one point to come to my mother’s home just to give her some reassurance about her finances as she was worried about her savings etc. She has enough money coming in to manage comfortably and also has a nest egg to give security but she just couldn’t stop this worry & anxiety about coping alone.
I went to take her shopping one day and she started going over something that I thought had been dealt with and sorted. She just couldn’t understand something relating to her finances, I just put my head in my hands and couldn’t speak! I was so traumatised by the whole process of explaining things over & over. She snapped at me and became quite nasty.
She said that I shouldn’t have taken the job on if I didn’t know what I was doing. She said that I’d never been asked to do anything, she said I did it because I wanted to!! She also said some other uncalled for personal things regarding my children and how I manage them. I was so hurt & angry.
We had some harsh words between us and it felt like fight or flight. …. I did both.
However, I went back and apologised, asked her friend to come to try and calm the situation as she is also recently widowed.
Her friend has been a saviour, takes her to church and other church related things, but my mother criticises her for silly things and has done for years. Her friend means well but is sometimes not very diplomatic but has a kind heart and will drop everything and help if she can.
After the upset my mother said that I don’t need to visit daily as she is ok on her own and capable of using a bus if she needs to go to the library or shops.
I told her that I’d go Tuesday, Thursday and pop in at the weekend. I just needed some space to try and recharge.
When I saw her yesterday I said that I’d not visit today as I had a few jobs to do as I’m going away for a break at Easter. I cancelled my holiday last year due to dad being in a declining condition. I said had a few clothes to iron and sort out etc.
She then jumped in and said that she would come and help me! ( Only 3 weeks ago she said that ironing was the only thing she couldn’t do as it gave her neck pain!! ) so I said ok. She rang me last night and asked what time I “needed” her to come. I just said …. Whenever you wish. I did not have the heart to say that we agreed to me having time off!
She had set out for the 9.30 bus it’s only a 5 min journey but her friend stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She had forgot her hearing aids so her friend took her back home to collect them and dropped her at my house.
The minute she came into the house she started to criticise her friend as her friend was going shopping and had not offered to take her!! Despite the fact she told her friend that she was coming to my house. I put my hand up to say …… please don’t call your friend again!! But she continued, I went into the garden to try and calm my anxiety. She eventually asked if I was angry with her and I said no, but I can’t cope with the criticism of her friend. She burst into tears and said …. Who else can I talk to !!
I’m just so frustrated. She has been confabulating stories and filling gaps that she feels fits but this started a while ago. I wonder is this a cognitive decline ?
I realise that she has used gaslighting strategies for years and my dad has been the buffer between us. What complicates things is that we lost my youngest brother 25 years ago to suicide and I feel she never grieved but suppressed her grief. She wouldn’t talk openly and I know my dad suffered because of this. Again I was the crutch for the whole family while trying to work full time and raise 2 small children and also support my late brothers widow who was pregnant when he died. I then started to maintain contact with my brothers child and have been a stabling influence in her childhood.
Now I feel like an only child with a mother who has complex problems and is almost like a child herself. The guilt I feel is immense, the anger and resentment is building and my poor husband gets it all.
Every activity that I suggest to her such as visiting her cousins, a neighbour that is in a care home or to go to a coffee morning in the village hall with some old friends she pushes back on.
Her church were looking for helpers for Easter preparation and cleaning…. Her response was that she’s done her bit !! She could have dusted or done something easy and had some company and a cup of tea but refused to go.
She has always been anti social and never been a great visitor but I feel she just wants me at her side as her companion. She is not malicious but she likes to be needed and useful. She is closer to me due to helping out with child care when my children were younger. However, I realise that I’ve been manipulated as a result of this.
I have broached the subject of the GP & counselling but she refuses as she feels she does not require that kind of help.
I don’t know what to expect by writing this but it makes me feel better when I vent my frustration.