Coping with sudden loss

At the age of 10 (now 28) after having no relationship with biological father I was extremely blessed my stepfather came into my life and raised me as his own.
5 months ago, flying back home from a buisiness trip he suffered a heart attack on board the aircraft. After diverting into Oman he passed away in the ambulance. It was an absolute shock to us all as he has never been ill in his life and is fit and healthy.
It was a very hard time and as I work as cabin crew for an airline I was signed off work for 3 months.
5 months on I’m still finding it hard to adjust. As an only child I feel a lot of responsibility towards my mum and guilty when I’m away with work, and in my gerneral day to day life.
partner and friends have been supportive, but feel like they expect me to go back to “normal.” I feel very bitter and resentful for people who have exciting things happening in their life (promotions, pregnancies, engagements etc)
Found some close friends were not as there for me as I thought they would be so can feel quite angry.
Life has come to a massive standstill. Can’t see my future without my dad in my life.
Lash out at my partner a lot as we are not married and upset that my dad will not be there to walk me down the isle, or have the joys of grandchildren.

Hi Jodie

I’m so sorry for you for the loss of your dad.
I lost my mum very suddenly 5 years ago. It took my a very long time to even be able to accept she had gone. I tragically lost my partner / Soulmate on the 7th May very sudden. In similar circumstances to your dad. He was just 58 and like your dad was fit and healthy. I found him on the floor and desperately tried to save him, but it was too late.
You are very much still grieving for your dad. Don’t be too hard on yourself its only been 5 months. What I do know Jodie is that when you think your doing OK the grief comes flooding back. Have you considered a bereavement councillor?

I have read lots of messages on this site which has given me some comfort. We are all going through the same tragic loss of our loved ones, there are no time limits of when our grief will ease a little, everyone is different. But I’m told over time, you do learn to live with your grief.
Its hard for you because life outside still moves on, listening to peoples plans, hearing them laughing, not a care in the world!!!. Its hard to try and be normal. I felt exactly the same when my mum died, you just want to scream!!.
I’m know I will have to face it all over again, but at the moment I can’t even get out of bed. but its only been 5 weeks for me.
Take care Jodie xx