Your response has been really helpful, definitely. Thank you for responding so soon too. I am so sorry to hear your mum’s story and even though it is different to mine, it is still similar in many ways, and I can relate to you totally.
Like how your mum had recovered from her liver transplant at the time of her diagnosis. She knew she was poorly, as did my mum. The fact your mum was so young and had the rest of her life ahead of her. That’s how I feel about my mum. My mum also knew she was poorly as she’d had headaches and loss of vision for months, and she kept bumping into things. She visited the optician and the doctors twice, but they all missed it. That bothers me, but I know that it wouldn’t have changed the outcome because her condition was terminal. She had the most aggressive brain tumour you can get. Although I try not to think about the injustice of it all because it’s too painful, I do think ‘why my mum? She didn’t deserve this’, but again, if I go down that path it’ll just make me even more sad.
I also have lasting memories of things like you do and I replay them over and over in my head. One day towards the end of her life, when she grew more and more confused, she woke from her sleep and said ‘is this it? Am I dead?’ I reassured her she was still with us, but I look back on that moment and realise how hard it must have been for her, knowing that she was dying and that she would be leaving us forever.
And like you Amy, I also knew she was dying from day one, but nothing could have prepared me for her actual death. It was so sudden and traumatic and my life is so much emptier without her. She also died on her wedding anniversary which broke my dad’s heart and she died just 2 days before my birthday. It is now 3 months on and I miss her more than ever. I think you’re right, it’s perhaps more painful now because the reality of it all has hit us. Sometimes the actual realisation that she’s gone is overwhelming. I think back to this time last year when everything was normal (although it wasn’t, I know now) and cannot believe how my life has changed.
I think these feelings and thoughts are normal though, just like the dreams we experience and the fixations we have. I’ve just started to dream about her now. I go for many days feeling okayish and then it hits me in massive waves. I’ve just come out of hospital because I was poorly - the trauma of losing my mum has had a huge physical impact on my health - and that has made me feel more depressed and vulnerable than ever. It reminded me of her being in hospital, the same bed, the same food, the nurses and the same check-ups. And I know that she would have visited me, brought me 10 magazines and loads of chocolate and texted me, rang me and fussed over me. I felt so alone in the hospital without her and I really missed her.
It is so hard, isn’t it? That’s why for the first time ever I have joined a forum, to listen to others and to share our experiences. It all helps in the long run I hope. We are not alone and it is okay to feel like we do. I do know that we need to look after ourselves and keep a rain check on our health, for our own sake and our families.
I shall keep reading the forum and taking strength from you all.
Take care of yourself.