Coping with the loss

I’ve had a major meltdown tonight sobbed uncontrollably thought I was never going to stop, 8 weeks since my husband was taken without warning. Does anyone have any tips of how to cope when you are feeling like this or do you just let it go. I am trying not to put it all on my 2 children they are only 14 and 15. It’s very hard :broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart:

Brokenhearted 2022, I am so sorry for your loss. I indeed know exactly what that guttural raw grief is like. I wish I had some tips to give you or help ease your terrible pain but I don’t know the answer. My Grandchildren are the same age as your children but are not in the same house as myself. I live alone now and sob and cry and wall at times until I can hardly breathe. It must be very difficult for you trying to be strong for your children.
We all have so much in common yet it feels like we have no one when that stabbing pain hits. It feels like you have been ripped in half when the love of your life is no longer there. Little things hurt so much and jolt the pain over and over again. Words like if only, what if, why churn around your brain and give you no peace. You look at friends with their husbands and say why me! You look at people who are older and feel jealous that they still have their loved one and you don’t. It seems there is no peace, that dawning realisation each time you open your eyes that they are gone and not coming back is a fresh hell each and every time. I kiss his clothes, I talk to him but the silence echoes back and there is no answer.
I really hope you manage to find some comfort in your children but it can’t be easy having to cope now on your own. Sending you a hug and letting you know that many here will be thinking of you. xx

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Hello.
It is 8 weeks today since I lost my beloved husband. I feel as you do. Once again I went to bed tonight and sobbed uncontrollably, it’s 2am and I can’t sleep. My children are grown but don’t live close by so I’m really lonely. Like you though, I don’t want to put this grief on them. I don’t have many friends. Neighbours are really kind, but until you lose your “best friend” , they really don’t understand. People are thinking of you here. Probably like me you just want him to hug you and hold you.
Take care.

@Heartbroken50 thank you for your reply, what you have said is exactly what I feel I could have written those feeling myself. I knew the bitterness would surface but I really don’t wanna see others carrying on with their lives. I am trying to keep it together for the children but at the moment don’t even want to be in this house. It’s excruciating x

@Florida

Thanks for reply, same I come to bed and unable to sleep also. I have many friends and an amazing family but have never felt so alone. I can’t believe he has gone forever and as you say people don’t understand. I’ve also find people backing off as when they ask are you OK…I can’t say I am OK when I’m not so I think they just don’t know how to deal with the sadness. Also when I broke down again in my mums she just said t will take time…I they mean well but I just wanted to scream…no amount of time will heal me. I do like you just want him back . Thanks for understanding…big hugs to you too x

Hi, I lost my husband suddenly last December. I know how you feel. My children all grown up with lives of their own and I also have grandchildren . They are feeling the pain as well so we don’t like to burden them with our feelings. My husband passed away at home, for a few months I couldn’t even go in our bedroom it was too painful. Although we lived in this house together for over 30 years and the children grew up here., I hate it now. I feel as if the house has taken him from me. As long as I am here I will never be happy. I have even thought about moving but people say don’t make a hasty decision, but they don’t understand as it never happened to them. Being so close to Christmas when he went was heartbreaking, every Christmas is going to be the same, that knowing he will never be here to share it with us again. I’m seriously thinking of moving house, I need to downsize anyway. Maybe in time in a new environment Christmas can be once again a time of joy and happiness , and I can think lovingly of the times we had together with the children and grandchildren. When we will be able to remember him without the pain we are feeling now, but with fondness and love
Take care xx

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Hello,
Yes, those are my feelings too. He’s everywhere in the house but I can’t see him, touch him. My daughter lives nearly 400 mls away, my son 11 but he has his own life. I have no other family and few friends. I can’t envisage a life without Brian. I miss him so very much. Counselling isn’t really helping. Dreading the winter being so alone. I don’t even want to drive anywhere. Not the same on your own and I’m not keen anyway.
Thank you all for listening.

Hi. So many people with the same feelings I am having. I see couples everywhere. All the holidays we had over his 30yr retirement. Wonderful times. People mean well saying things like “you have all those memories though”. It really doesn’t help. We wanted more. I’ve never been alone in my life. Married at 19, 2 children came along. Marriage broke up after 23 yrs. Brian came along and we had 32 wonderful years. Now I’m rattling around in the house we both loved but it means nothing. I feel as though I have so much, but have nothing now he’s gone. I’m angry at myself for feeling like this but I really can’t help it. Just can’t believe I will never see him again.

@Beachgirl

I am tge same it’s the living room with me I can’t stomach sitting in their so I just endlessly rattle round from one room to another. I may have to move also tho I know that’s not what he would want or the kids for that matter. I will give it more time. I don’t think I will ever get over this x

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@Florida

I feel exactly like you, Paul was my only love been with him nearly 30 years from when I was 20 and he was 24… he was only 53 I feel like I’ve been robbed and I can’t watch other people enjoying life (hopefully I won’t always feel like this) but it gonna be a grim existence with out him. I think I was numb the last 8 weeks as it was sudden and it’s only hitting me now…I am expecting him to walk through the door…its so not fair…but thanks for listening x

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I’m feeling your pain too. Try to carry on, if only for the children. I know it hurts so much. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and wish I could have gone with him. If we had never loved, you and I, look what we would have missed. Thinking of u. Take care x

My wife died 7 weeks ago so I know how you feel. Numb at times and still expect them to be in another room in the house or walk in the front door, even though she had cancer for the last two years. She was only 50 and we had been married for 25 years but together for 28.
I saw a friend Friday whose wife died 14 years ago and he said make sure you let it out. Don’t bottle anything up. Seek all any any help you can from counselling or similar to see if that helps. Talk to as many people as possible, this site is a great place to do that. And whilst it’s no comfort, know that someone who loved you enormously and was with you for such a long time would want you to be happy in your life so take one day at a time. That’s all any of us can do.
I have recently tried to think if the position was reversed, what would I be whispering in my wife’s ear or telling her in dreams? I’d want her to look after our daughter and carry on, however she can.
Make sure your look after yourself and love to you all.

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@Florida …I know what you mean…we were so lucky to have them in our life not everyone get that…this is now the price we are paying for that love…I will try and plod on best I can if only for the kids …thanks and you take care too x

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@Timbo I am so sorry for your loss too and so young too its so unfair… I was expecting at least another 25 years if not longer… I am exactly the same in my house …I cannot bottle it up… I try and hold myself together sometime but it does all just come out and I can’t stop crying at times. This site is great as the people we are speaking too are going through exactly the same thing. I have also joined a group called WAY…widowed and young…it puts you in touch with people in your area who are going through it too. I know he would want me to be happy but he was such a big character who everyone loved it showed at his funeral where there was about 500 people at the church so his presence will be missed forever. Thank you for kind words and my heart ģoes out to you too xxx

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Thanks Brokenhearted2022, it’s just awful isn’t it.
I’ve heard about WAY from someone else and may give them a try, thank you. Sounds like his funeral was something that people would remember him by, my wife said that there would be hardly anyone at hers but there were about 120 in the church so I think she would have been pleased and am sure your husband was looking on with a huge smile aimed at you and your children, he will always be with you.

But it’s no comfort really is it as I was wanting another 25 years at least as well and unless you have experience this, no one really can understand.

Make sure you look after yourself and your children.

It is @Timbo words can’t describe the pain…aww she would be made up to see all those people tgere for her and for you too…yea I have joined WAY…hope fully it will help I don’t know yet as waiting for membership number in the post…you have to subscribe but you can apply for it through the charity if you haven’t the funds which I did as taking a while to sort finances.
You look after yourself too…its a long road expect xxx

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@Brokenhearted2022 thank you for mentioning about WAY - I didn’t know about this going to take a look. Paul and I had just celebrated our 27th anniversary and had been together for 31 years, we were beginning to talk about a slower pace of life as he had worked so hard to provide for us for over the years so planning lots of travelling. I hold it together during the day as I don’t want to be fussed over by people that’s my way of coping but it’s the night time, hence why all my emails, messages get done at night time.

@JBNetty

Your welcome anything that helps us find a way to cope…my husband was Paul too together for 29 years married for 20…we had been talking about the same as you…and my Paul was the most hardworking person doing everything for us too. I can’t hold myself together sometimes it just won’t stop…I wish for sleep for some relief but then theres the morning and you have to start it all over again. It’s like groundhog day :broken_heart: x

@Brokenhearted2022 thank you, here’s opening to getting some rest, tomorrow is a day planned off ticking off some more of the mountain of calls and paperwork to complete. Hope you manage to get some rest. X

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I just talk about my wife to everyone as it helps and keeps her alive more although it is upsetting. My daughter isn’t so open though (she is 17) as she says it makes her sad. We do talk about her together but when she sees her friends she doesn’t really talk about her mum, is this normal? She says that it makes her sad and they talk about other teenager stuff. She won’t ever forget her mum but wants to talk about other stuff as well which I guess helps her. Should I be worried? We have telephone calls for counselling next week so I may mention it to them when I speak. I know my wife would want her to try to carry on living her life and for me to do so as well although I don’t feel like doing that at all.