Covid death

Christmas 2020 I wheeled my mum into a+e for a lesion that ambulance men said needed treated in hospital. My dad was nervous to take her in so I did it. She was in over Christmas then we were told she had picked up covid (even though paramedics said there’s more chance catching it walking round supermarket) She was treated for this and the covid subsided. However she started getting very confused. It turns out she was suffering from pneumonia caused by covid and they gave her 3 days. Each video call she seemed to get worse and on the 3rd day she went. The last year has been a blur. I can’t put into words how I feel. I’m a 42 year old man constantly on the verge of balling. Feeling incredibly guilty and tbh would rather be with her, although I still have my dad here. Should it not be getting more manageable by now?

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I’m not sure that grief is ever manageable Jad. I’ve read many posts here and everyone seems to say we get through this one day or hour at a time.
I found that losing a parent shook a foundation stone and brought me to a reality I didn’t want to be in.
It’s good that you have your dad to focus on, do you talk with him about your mum?
I hope you do, it might help you both.
Hugs x

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Dear Jad
Welcome back. I’m not surprised you are struggling; what happened to you and your family was awful. Time doesn’t come into it, partly because grief and loss are a personal process, and partly because every day we are reminded that Covid is still with us after two very long years.
Your dear Mum is now at rest. I’m sure you ache for her every day and wish things could have been different, but you can’t change it. Acceptance is impossible when you feel as you do, so can you help yourself by giving some of the care you wish you could have given to your Mum to your Dad. How is he doing - really?
We are all here for you, keep putting your thoughts down and hopefully someone will reach out and it will be right for you.

Thinking of you, Miche24

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My dad and I do talk about her occasionally but I feel like he has moved on a lot faster than I have. I have a few of her friends on Facebook but they don’t seem to want to talk about her. I’m keeping shtum most of the time to avoid coming across as annoying. When all I want is someone to answer me why this has happened after 8 years of cancer hell.

Thanks for the reply. Mum comes up occasionally. Maybe cos we don’t want to set each other off. My dad seems further along (grieving wise) than I am. She’s constantly on my mind. He doesn’t like visiting the cemetery but I always feel like if she is watching over me, she can see that it’s still destroying me. On one hand I want my dad to still get upset but on the other he’s not in the best health so I’d prefer him to keep his barriers up to save him becoming sicker. Im assuming there isn’t like a rough timeline when this is supposed to become more manageable and not hurt as bad

Thanks for the reply. Mum comes up occasionally. Maybe cos we don’t want to set each other off. My dad seems further along (grieving wise) than I am. She’s constantly on my mind. He doesn’t like visiting the cemetery but I always feel like if she is watching over me, she can see that it’s still destroying me. On one hand I want my dad to still get upset but on the other he’s not in the best health so I’d prefer him to keep his barriers up to save him becoming sicker. Im