Crass comments from so called friends

I mentioned to a friend that I was feeling low and this was my first Christmas without my husband. This was the reply I got…
Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full…???
Maybe make an inventory of the 1/2 full items as I think they’ll out to be quite a list even if different from say a year ago…
Apologies if this seems to lack sympathy/understanding - just want to help shift the black dog.

That’s a friends reply to my expression of grief and loss.
Harry died nine months ago and I guess I’m not supposed to feel
sad or depressed now.
That person has no idea how much she has hurt me

Oh dear. Yes I can see why you are upset. I have come to the conclusion that so many people have no idea about grief until they are affected by it personally. That does not excuse totally thoughtless comments though. Of course you are going to feel low, sad and fragile and this gets highlited by things like Christmas.
I had my first Christmas without my precious daughter and comments like " well you have a nice Christmas anyway. She would have wanted you to" made me want to scream. I know I have great family and friends but what I miss most is my child.
I am beginning to wonder if aspects of bereavement should be taught in schools.
Sending you hugs. X

I certainly never knew what real grief was. I thought I did but no way. I have been so selfish in the past, now I know what it feels like I hope I can in time be of more help to others in the position I am in now. Someone who understands and to talk to as there’s precious few of them after the first few weeks. I was told this week that a person grieving who kept crying was being selfish to others!!!

Dear Matella - thank you.

I will get over it but it’s like knocking you back every time you try to move forward.

I am so very, very sorry at the loss of your daughter, the pain at time must feel like it’s beyond bearable.
I lost a son 20 years ago and although I can live with it now, there is never a day goes by that I don’t think of him.

Gogs x

Gogs I seem to have been trying to teach my grandmother to suck eggs. You are clearly not new to grief. So sorry you lost your son and your partner.
Pattidot I so understand what you are saying. I always wanted to help those that were bereaved but I did not know what to say.
From a bereaved parent’s point of view I at least understand when a sympathiser understands that they only need to say how sorry they are, and don’t offer advice.
People naturally want to fix it but it doesn’t help.
Sending support and love to all that are bereaved. X

I can relate to the insensitive comments from others. I work in the field of Mental Health, where one would think people would know better, however that is not always the case. When I mentioned the courage, bravery and positive outlook my recently deceased sister demonstrated throughout her cancer battle, my boss remarked “but she died anyway.” Since my beloved sister died, a little over 7 months on, I have not cut my hair, I no longer apply make-up, and I wear the same old clothes, because I lack the interest or energy to do any more than the minimum. I am no longer the well dressed, impeccably groomed person I was before my loss, and it is obvious. Yet a colleague persists is saying “You look good” every time she sees me. Perhaps she is meaning well, but saying I “look good” seems superficial and dismissive of my pain.
I’ve heard “we all lose people, time will heal, you have your memories …”
I could go on and on, one worse than the other. All I really need to hear is “I am sorry,” or “how can I help?” Reading the book “It is okay that you are not okay,” covers so much of what I experience with people who want to “fix” or are uncomfortable with my grief. I wish everyone who makes these unkind comments would read this book.
Words are powerful, and can help, but can also wound. Thinking of everyone here and sending warm, caring thoughts. Sister2 x

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