Six months. Almost. I have cried for about fifteen seconds.
That’s all.
About 5 seconds looking at the shell that was left. Ten telling the hospital chaplain that he did not need to make any more ward visits.
That was it.
When our mother died, many years ago, my sister and I deliberately - it was a conscious decision - got a bottle of Whisky, and over three or four nights bawled our eyes out together. went over and over it all.
Does it help? Did it help? I don’t know.
I do know that six months down the line from my own loss I’m building up to a mega- whine and a half. Blokes don’t cry. I remember when I saw my father cry. Once. Only once. It was such a shock to see. It still makes me shaky to think of it now.
Dear Wil58
You are not alone I don’t remember my father ever crying, I know the only time he would have done is if my mum had died first. The closest I think was when she got cancer the first time. I think sometimes the generation before ours may have been more stoic about crying. Sometimes you are brought up thinking crying is a sign of weakness even in some cultures a sign of strength. If your dad never cried and then did it probably meant he had some pretty powerful reasons to cry whatever they were. I think you crying with your sister was a good thing when your mum died you shared your grief together and supported each other and that probably made things a bit better in that you acknowledged you had each other for support and that you shared together and it made it easier to bear. I think it was a good thing however sometimes we just don’t feel like that type of grief immediately upon a loss. Grief and its many different parts can happen at any time even years later. Everyone has their own way of grieving and sometimes we can’t control it. Crying can release of pent up feelings. We don’t cry just because we are sad we can cry when we are happy or frustrated or angry,. Its okay to cry and its okay not to cry. Its okay to shout and scream i have done both. Its whatever works for you to make it easier to bear. You may find that you don’t cry now but maybe a year from now you hear a song and tears fall down your cheeks. Sometimes its harder to cry in front of people ie bursting into tears in front of strangers or almost strangers. Sometimes its better to have a good cry with friends or relatives who feel the same way as you. And if you feel like a major moan its okay to do so you have every right to feel that way have a vent have a moan. Here is a good place to do it.
Take care of yourself
Meebee
True. I’m just a bit surprised that I did ( cry ) then, but I’m not doing so now. But I can feel something building up. Something’s coming. Funny what our parents did still resonate with us now though. My mother did not either. She lost my dad early. She “soldiered on”. Don’t know how really. But my sister and I made a deliberate decision I think, as far as I can recall, to wail and howl in the days before mother’s funeral. Like I say, I don’t know if it helped or not.
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Hi @Wil58, I think you’re right about men not crying, we think we shouldn’t, even in this day and age, or, at least do it in private. About a week ago I had an episode in one of the supermarkets - it was entirely my own stupid fault - and I ended up leaning against a wall in tears, angry at myself, my behaviour and life generally. I did eventually stop, but teared up again once I returned to my car. Over the last few days I’ve had thoughts about my wife and losing her, and some of them have just filled me up and the tears have started. Does it help to cry? I think so, I think it acts as a release. I sometimes think our emotions are like boiling water in a kettle. The pressure builds up in the kettle as the water boils and something has to give before the lid flies off the kettle. If crying happens, then it happens, it’s nothing to be embarassed about. Like @Meebee I’ve had the odd screaming session at home on my own during a tearful event. Does it make me feel better? Not always, but it doesn’t stop me from having them. @Meebee has explained it so much better than I can, just do what you feel like at the time, just don’t bottle things up.
Wishing you all the very best,
Alston
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Hi Wil
I too never saw my father or grandfather cry and neither did my mother when she lost Dad early. I was told off if I ever looked like crying as a child so perhaps we was programmed to not cry.
I don’t think my family have ever seen me cry and I have never cried at a funeral even at Brian’s funeral i held it in. But I have cried when on my own. I have shouted and screamed and find that it is a release and it does help. I am no longer afraid of crying (when alone) I welcome it. It doesn’t matter if you are a man or woman you have the right to cry if you feel the need. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
I agree with Alston if the need to cry is there then do so. I also had moments in the supermarket like him. I didn’t like this as I seemed to have no control.
Pat
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Dear Aston56
Sorry for your loss and sending you a virtual hug. Thinking of you.
Thanks for the response, sorry for the delay coming back. Bad day yesterday. More numb than usual. I am so sorry for your supermarket episode. I don’t think i am consciously bottling things up. I am not sure. I read a lot on here about people who cry every day, and think sometimes I must be doing something wrong. I don’t mean to put it that strongly. It’s a bit more complicated than that. It’s the feeling that they are getting something right, Getting something out of their system that ought not be left to fester there. To be entirely frank, I have this horrible image of being a kid and one’s father, knowing that you had eaten something bad and needed it gone, would intervene…the immediate result was not pleasant, but you felt better within minutes rather than hours and could get back to the real business -playing with your mates again. Same with milk teeth. So I don’t think I am blocking anything. I just feel too numb to cry a lot. True, we are not a family of criers by and large. And like @Pattidot succinctly puts it “held it in” even at the ( this is going to sound awful but I can’t think of another way to say it ) even at the most obvious/opportune moment. Perhaps some of us are not, as she says, programmed to cry.
I do fear loss of control as well, which is another thing that @Pattidot mentions. I am deliberately staying away from certain situations and triggers, that’s for sure. Some pieces of music I dare not listen to now…in the immediate days following they were never off. Not so now. The loss of control thing. There’s that thing in Dickens’ - Nickleby I think - where Nickleby- mild mannered chap - says don’t drag me down to your level and make me fight you because once I get down there there’s no limit to when I’ll stop. ( Think the Incredible Hulk said much the same! ) But you know, if I start weeping and wailing it could be a spiral down that I can’t then stop. Oh I have no idea. Thanks for responding. and I wish you all the best .Sorry I was late getting back. Thanks for reading.
@Meebee have just reread your reply. Yes you are so right - it’s the happy bits not the sad bits that are having the worst effect right now. I do wish could put this better. She was not well. She went through hardship. That upsets me and it’s unjust and unfair, but everybody unless they are very lucky gets some suffering one way or another. That’s just an ugly and inevitable fact. But when I think of her HAPPY. It’s not that I am not going to share those happy moments any more, so it has nothing to do with moments just when we were happy. I mean even happy pictures of her as a kid can do this . It’s that she isn’t having any more of them and she did not ever have enough of them. Was never happy enough. And oh yeah, sure I can say to myself , nobody can be happy all the time, possibly nobody deserves to be, even. So it’s not the unfairness of that which digs and pokes at me, not the loss of that, but just the sheer waste of it. Does that spur me on to live for tomorrow and be her eyes and all that…it ought to, it really ought to.
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