Dad after mum past

Hi everyone,I would like a little advice or anyone else’s experience as I’m not sure what I’m experiencing is normal …I lost my dear mum August 2017 my dad who I love dearly doesn’t speak about mum if I mention her it’s a quick answer and he moves on he doesn’t have any pictures of mum at all displayed and mums ashes are put on the bookcase at the back of the room ,I know we all grieve differently but would love to know if this is a normal thing and will it change .they were together for 60+ years …I can only think if it was me and I’d lost my husband after 60+ years I would be totally opposite .

I’m really sorry about your loss, although words are simply not enough I know. I don’t think there is a “normal” in reality. Maybe your Dad feels too much pain to look at photos and talk in-depth about your Mum. Maybe in a few weeks/months he will be totally the opposite. I can imagine you are so worried and say you would act differently if you had lost your lifelong partner but to be honest we can’t know those things until it happens to us personally. All you can do is keep an eye on him and look out for signs of isolation and depression as that’s were problems can start as I know from my loss. Take care and compassionate thoughts to you.

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Hi Deedee, I can understand what you’re experiencing as my Mum died 4 years ago & my parents has been together 63 years. My Dad is not a ‘talker’ about feelings/emotions and if I’m honest the first year was incredibly difficult for both of us. Neither of us really knew how to cope. My dad went to a couple of support sessions at the Hospice where my Mum died which helped him a little. My Mums ashes are in the wardrobe in the spare room. I really feel for you both. As time went on my Dad was able to talk about my Mum without breaking down. As a proud Man I think he wanted to avoid crying as much as possible as he felt a bit out of control & scared of his feelings/emotions. With time and a lot of undertstanding & patience from you, your Dad will probably start to talk about your Mum. It really is 1 step at a time. Please try to make sure you have someone to talk to right now. As my Dad was on his own grief journey I had some bereavement counselling which helped me enormously. Take care x

Thank you so much for your reply this has really helped me understand and maybe think differently…your dad seems very much like my dad as he’s also a private person but dad would never consider going to a support group…it’s only 6 months since mum died and like you it’s incredibly difficult for us ,I think because neither of us have experienced this before,I will see how we go and just let dad take his time and when he’s ready I’m sure things will change …I will also ask for some help to talk to someone neutral…thank you .and take care xx

Thank you Tina for your reply I quess your right we can’t know how we would feel in dads place ,I will have more patience and wait until dads ready to talk about mum ,when we knew mum was terminally ill we bought them a little dog that little dog has been a life saver to dad as a companion but will still keep a look out for signs depression etc …thank you take care xx

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Hello I know what it like I lost my dad when I was 16 then my anty at. The same age and then in 3/2/2016 I lost my mum to pneumonia I was 22 and on the 04/03/2018at the age of 24 my real dad his dad who was my other granddad he died as well

Hi so sad to hear of your loss. I lost my dear partner just before Xmas, it was quite sudden. For what’s its worth…I found it very therapeutic to put together a photo album of all the lovely times we had together and I look at this often. To try and focus on the good times and the precious moments we had over 7 years. I do understand after a lifetime together how devastating it must be for your dad. I found that talking about him to Friends has come easy now after having albeit a brief spell when I was so upset that I refused to think about him and kind of blocked his memory. But I found myself becoming too sad and upset, concerned that I was getting depressed. I knew he would never have wanted me to react this way as he had such a humorous personality and I really began to feel him urging me to rejoice about the good times we had and not to be sad. I think people do indeed live on in our memories of them and it is so important for our own wellbeing to keep these alive. All I am saying is perhaps try and persuade and talk to your dad about the happy times and how your mum would have wanted him to react after her death. If he won’t put an album together himself, maybe you do it for him and then show it to him. He may then begin to open up. Take care, I do hope this helps.

Hello Deedee55
I AM that dad.
My wife of 50+ years and 5years of courting before died on 10th January 2018 she was only 71 and today would have been our 51st anniversary. Our daughter has been tremendously supportive of me to the point that I worry that she is not grieving herself but trying to be strong for me,
In my worry for her feelings it is making it hard for me to share our grief as I dont want to hurt her but she was used to speaking with Mum daily and needs to speak to someone so insists that I text her daily to let her know how I am sometimes this is hard for me as on a daily basis I shed tears at the loss of my adored wife and do not want to add to my daughters grief so I tell her I’m fine
As a Dad I’m trying to come to terms with my new normal and it is not easy, I miss the closeness, the touch, and the lovely aroma of my wife and this is difficult to speak about to a Daughter , yes life is moving on but nothing can replace the yearning for the love we shared not even a Daughter,s affection. I have to be careful what I say so that I don’t trigger the wrong response because she loved her Mum too.
Yes I still have my wife’s ashes to deal with but we are not ready for that yet. I do have a series of pics both young, old and with family in plain view and I draw strength from being able to talk to her thru them.
What can you do? Well it’s not easy for you but patience, love and wee bits of encouragement to him will help I’m sure but I feel that a new normal will take time to adjust to, the biggest issue is loneliness so hopefully he has a range of friends and hobbies to occupy the days, it’s the nights that he will find hard so a wee call at night is sometimes more effective - worth a try.
Keep positive and you will be rewarded eventually . Peace to you both
Jonty1

For what it is worth, I have just lost my daughter, who I loved with all my heart. I cannot bear to look at her photos, and have taken them all down. My son in law collected the ashes from the crem, and will decide when we scatter them. I couldn’t bear to collect them. The idea of my girl reduced to ashes is horrible to me. Accept that your father feels as I do, and that his actions come, as mine do, from the strength of his love, not his indifference.

First can I say I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife …i was very much like your daughter and spoke to mum everyday and I find it hard now that when I mention mum to dad it’s just a one word answer ,I don’t want to push dad to the point he gets upset so for now I will give him time ,and as you say let dad adjust to his new normal…dad doesn’t have friends or hobbies but just before mum died we bought them a puppy knowing dad would be left alone and little billy has been a god send to him …yes I will try the call dad at night .thank you for taking the time it really does help to hear from other people and especially when your grieving yourself …take care you sound like you have a lovely daughter that cares about you x

Hello DeeDee55
Thank you for your answer it is difficult nothing prepares you for the moment but you sound like you have good sense and will see things thru
My slogan is " I may be bowed but I’m not broken" this helps me deal with daily issues that arise and eventually I know I will survive the trauma of it all.
Peace to you and your dad
Jonty

I’m so sorry for your loss that must be really unthinkable to lose a child and I can understand you not wanting to see pictures etc,so really maybe dad is in the same frame of mind and doesn’t want to or just can’t bear to see them like yourself for now …thank you you have put this so beautifully .take care xxx

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