dad died last week

Hello all, I just wanted to check in with folk who might understand a bit, my dad died very suddenly last Thursday morning , he’d been in hospital with depression and was very confused and distressed (lifelong depression but had been stable for a good few years before Corona crisis started). He didn’t have the virus but it really tipped him over and he wasn’t safe at home with mum anymore. He went in just before lockdown so we didn’t get to visit. He could hardly speak on the phone though I phoned every day and messaged. He was to start a new treatment this week that we knew had worked for him before, but before this could start I got a phone call from the consultant on Thursday to say the nurses had found him on his en suite floor, looked like either a heart attack or an embolism (he’d had embolism before and was on drugs for it but had been really really immobile and not wanting to move so it may have been that). It was just such a massive shock, and my mum is at home on her own due to the lockdown. I went out the first few days as in providing care to her, but we are now just sticking to face timing etc as so scared of her getting symptoms or not being able to go to burial . I feel it’s really so difficult to process as we are in this weird scenario where stuck in house etc - this is the first day I have been more practical and calm than crying all the time, the first few days I was just all over the place. We can’t get burial til 21 April and just a wee group of us allowed but that is ok I think for now. Just praying we don’t get that stopped too as everything seems to change every day. Anyway this just feels like a ramble. I am feeling guilty all the time about whether I could have done more to keep him out of hospital (I work in mental health so have lots of skills but of course I couldn’t go to see him), and even now I feel guilty if I’m wanting a meal or I manage to read a bit of a book like I’m forgetting him. does that make sense? I’m not forgetting him though, my stomach is in knots and I’m really low energy . Does anyone relate to any of this? Hope you’re all ok

Dear Anthem,
I am so sorry that you are suffering in this way, guilt is all part of grieving you did your best for your dad and now you are worrying about your mum. I shall write more tomorrow, I am just about to go to bed, I have chronic back pain and I really need to rest it.
Take care,
MaryL x

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@anthem16 hi there, I’m sorry you find yourself here too as none of us expected to be. So sorry to hear about your Dad, it’s the worst thing in the world losing the first man you ever loved, and who loved you unconditionally. I lost my Dad in November under similar conditions as you, except he wasn’t in hospital and I found him in his bathroom after a sudden heart attack. You are in very early stages and the shock will be taken over for the next while. It’s awful you find yourself in this situation yet even worse with this current pandemic. I’m sorry that it will affect so much of your plans. Please just know that you are not alone and anything you feeling will be as normal as anyone else’s. I’ve been in total shock, numbness, complete sorrow, you’ll cry for days on end, hours on end and feel lost. Like a part of you is gone and you don’t know what to do with that empty space. My Dad was only 64 and I’m only 27. I feel like I’ve been robbed of my best friend, so much things he will miss. In the 5 months, I’ve had a necklace made of his ashes, my first tattoo as tribute and covered my flat in our photos… just some ideas to keep you busy.
Take very good care of yourself and may I suggest you take it second by second, minute by minute and hour by hour. Very slow, be easy on yourself and we’re here any time.

Much love to you x

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Hi Anthem

I work in mental health too. My dad passed in March from COVID-19, I seriously don’t know how to feel sometimes. Your certainly not alone. I also feel guilty for not doing enough for him to come home. I feel bad for not seeing him, although this was out of my hands. … I can’t dance or listen to music, frightened or feel guilty for taking part in things I once enjoyed. I can exercise and eat because these are essential. I take comfort in talking to other members of my family… but I get so overwhelmed thinking how vulnerable and lonely he must have been without the people who loved him the most. Luckily I was able to talk to him over the phone… but this was painful as he was asking to come home. The pain is inbearable. Pls know your not alone and it is normal to feel they way you feel. It is okay to not
Be okay. Love abbey