Dad passed away

Its coming up to 2 years since my dad passed away I feel more sad now as time goes on then I did when it happened I’ve lost myself I don’t no what it’s like to be happy anymore I feel so alone I get so angry all the time the night it happened I told him it was OK and to go a sleep he never woke up I have to live with that everyday x Christina

Hello Christinaosul,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re coming up to the second anniversary of your dad’s passing and that you’re feeling so sad. I’ve heard many members of this community talk about how the second anniversary can be worse than the first because it makes everything seem more real.

You’re not alone here and much of what you’ve described - anger, feeling lonely - is similar to what others have experienced. We do have some information about coping with bereavement and how long grief lasts that may be helpful for you to have a read through as it talks about many of the emotions you’ve mentioned:

https://support.sueryder.org/practical-emotional-advice/how-can-i-cope-bereavement

https://support.sueryder.org/practical-emotional-advice/how-long-does-grief-last

Take care of yourself and don’t hesitate to let me know if there’s anything I can do to support you.

Eleanor

Hi Christina. It will be 2 years in December since my my died too. As you say it feels it gets worse as the time since I’ve seen her is so long. Think it’s only just hitting me now and I have moments of panic when I think I’m going to go hysterical and I can’t accept mum will never come back. I’ve been keeping so busy to the point I’m scared to stop I’ve basically run from the grief as it’s enormous. When mum first died I went into shock and have sort of remained there
You must never blame yourself for telling your dad to go to sleep. You were trying to comfort him at the worst possible time and that’s all we can do. I said exactly the same to my mum told her not to wait as my brother wasn’t coming. She died not long after that. It was the worst day of my life. I will never be over it but I know mum wouldn’t want me to sink. We go on and we cope and we try to live a happy life because we know that’s all our mums or dads want for us. It’s not easy. It’s hard but you will cope. All that your dad taught you and the way you were together will never die as he is in your heart and mind. Forever. X

Hi C,

I lost my father almost one year ago, he was the best dad ever, we came to this country with practically nothing, he and my late mum, built a wonderful life for me and my brother. The absence of loss is alway with me, it has become a part of who I am, for me I gain strength from the fact that although he’s not here in body his spirit is still looking after me, I truly believe this. I’m sure your father wouldn’t want you to suffer in silence, live your life for him, be his breath in this world.

Take Care.

Nilesh

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Dear Nilesh
I found your post really uplifting. I have been struggling to accept the kids of my Dad. …he died on 9th August…it was sudden and unexpected. …for seemingly no apparent reason. Although I still can’t comprehend that he’s gone, I do feel that he is very present in my life…more now than ever. I will live by your line to ‘be his breath in the world’. It’s really comforting. Best wishes
MJ

I’ve just read this back…predictive text changed Loss of my Dad to kids of my Dad Oops.

Dear MJ,

Thank you for your kind words, it’s almost a year since my dad passed away, not a day goes by when I don’t think of him and my late mum. They really gave me the best life possible.
My heartfelt wishes go out to you, on the sudden loss of your dad, as it was so unexpected I’m sure the emotions are still raw, the journey is one of living day by day, if possible, allow your emotions free expression, however that manifests. I’m firmly of the opinion that those that leave us in the physical plain go to a higher spritual realm. Yes live life for them, because you will always have that connnection with your dad, his passing doesn’t change that.

God Bless,

Nilesh

Thank you so much Nilesh.
I only found this website today but already feel so much more supported for being able to share my thoughts and my grief…reading other people’s stories of shared experiences reminds me of how connected we all are. I know that my Dad would want me to keep going, keep achieving in my life…he was always unstoppable in his approach, and through creative vision and perserverence, he created a life for our family that he had always dreamed of.
The way you write about your parents resonates with me: they gave you the best start in life…mine also sacrificed so much for me to grow up and have an education in the UK.
I have really found your words and outlook very wise and hopeful. Hope exists despite a broken heart.
Best wishes
MJ

Dear MJ,

Agree entirely with your sentiments, life is all about having that connection with our fellow human beings, in essence we are all on the same journey, what my parents taught me was to be the best I can, to live life in the now, for what the future holds is unknown.
In many ways they are still influencing me, I draw inspiration from them each and every day, I’m thankful that I had those years with them.
I strongly believe in inner intuition, having that clarity of thought which is coupled with a pure heart, distills all negativity.
This forum allows us all to gain strength in our darkest moments. Because the light is eternal.

Take Care,

Nilesh

Hi MJ,

This time a year ago my father spent his last day in the house he loved. For me it hasn’t been a sad day, more reflected if anything.
I’m blessed with a staggering memory (which I inherited from my father), so am able to recall the life my father gave me, and his and my mother’s role in defining me as a person. They are still a constant in my life, as enduring now as they ever were. I really feel so connected with them that I do know they are never far from me.
Anyway just wanted to share these thoughts.
I’m fully cognisant that you are going through your own journey, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Take Care,

Nilesh

Dear Nilesh
First of all please accept warm wishes of support on the anniversary of your father’s passing. I think it is wonderful that you have been able to find such enrichment in your reflection and recognition of the gifts your parents left behind, which encourage and sustain you in your memories, and will continue to do so. They are ever present and always will be. I firmly believe this, and I feel that keeping an open mind to the power and integrity of the universe and our role in it can be really healing. I had an experience last week which totally validated my belief that my Dad is near me and very much still a part of my life. It was so empowering…thanks so much for your continued wisdom and insight.
Best wishes, and prayers for your continued strength and guidance.
Joy

Dear Joy,

Thank you so much for your warm words. With each day that unfolds I accept unconditionally how the day pans out, of course emotions have the sense of being in the moment, as such they can impact you in so many different ways. So I allow them to manifest, when I do, I get a feeling of well being, which I truly believe has been influenced by my parents.
Thank you for sharing that insight in regards to your dad, having a strong positive attitude really does help to gradually heal the pain. When in doubt I am reminded of what the Buddha pronounced:
‘Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment’.

Take Care,

Nilesh

Dear Nilesh
I found your post really encouraging and also very wise. A Buddhist inspired approach to life helps me on the whole, but I do still struggle with regrets and questions about what was, what could have been, and what is…I guess it’s important to be mindful that when you lose someone you love, your grief defines and filters the new life you find yourself within. For me I can cognitively understand that my Dad is gone, but emotionally it’s harder to accept.
How did you manage in the early days when your Father passed away last year? Did you seek any counselling? Do you have a good network of family and friends?Bereavement support?
I speak to my youngest sister every day and we have been trying to process our feelings together. She recommended a book which I’ve just finished reading called 'the year of magical thinking ’ by Joan Didion. It was really honest and very insightful.
Anyway, keep well Nilesh
Best wishes
Joy

Dear Joy,

Initially I found the grief so insurmountable that I just wanted to curl up and die. That first night (which I’ve experienced twice) was so surreal, where the cold hard reality dawns on you that you will never engage with that person on a physical level.
For me I did struggle at times, but I had to keep things on an even keel just because of the practicalities of life.
Thankfully I’ve got a good network of friends and family who really did support me in my dark periods where life just seemed a mere existence. Coupled with my faith (I’m Hindu).
We have a sacred book called the Bhagavad Gita, each night I read a verse from there and more often than not that verse corresponds to the day that I’ve had, so certainly faith did play a part (and continues to do so) in helping to mend my broken heart.
I did consider counselling, I know friends who have been through that process and have benefitted, but I decided not to go down that route.
Yes that emotional detachment is harder to adjust to, especially in the first few months, for me there were certain triggers like, photographs, a film, even something like Colombo, my father adored that TV show. Then all those grief filled emotions would manifest, but I knew I had to allow whatever was there to run its course.
Over time I’ve learnt to manage my feelings, I’ve allowed them expression in the form of a diary which I’ve kept for the last eight years.
Talking definitely helps, especially with someone who has gone through a similar experience, because that common ground doesn’t need to be fully explained, because the knowledge of loss has is so omnipresent.
I have heard of the Joan Didion book, and people do resonate with what she writes about.
You will find as the past recedes and the future unfolds, you’ll have stronger feelings for your father, in death that person becomes your guardian angel who is ever present. There’s a passage in the Gita, and one which George Harrison had in one of his albums, “Never was there a time when you did not exist, and there never will be a time when you cease to exist”.
Lastly I would say, live the life your father would have wanted you to live.

Take Care Joy,

Nilesh

Dear Nilesh
Thank you for sharing in such an honest way. When my Dad passed I also wanted to die as I couldn’t envisage a life without him in it. This was despite the fact that I have four children. I felt such extreme sadness I realised then that my heart had broken, and things would never be the same again. My life has a new resonance now…I’m able to go about my daily activities again as I need to…but I guess my outlook is completely different.
It occurred to me that when someone dies, they say ‘survived by’, because when you lose a loved one you are surviving. …not recovering.
Writing a diary or journal must be helpful for your expression. Do you try to write something every day?? I write a lot of poetry, which I have done for the past few years. The day after my Dad passed, I wrote a poem which was included in his celebration of life.
I’ve been wondering if there really is a purpose to life. I like to think that there is, but sometimes feel cynical and despondent. I don’t have a strong faith but try to practice a Buddhist philosophy. However, I don’t find it especially comforting, but quite practical (mindful ).
Anyway, please do stay well and strong.
Best wishes
Joy
p.s I will send you the poem if you would like to read it sometime.

Dear Joy,

I try to define my life in the positives which enables me to confront those darkest recesses of the soul.
Daily affirmation can have incredible benefits in terms of lifting the spirit, when at its lowest ebb.
Each day that passes I do feel that I’m getting stronger both emotionally and mentally, in tandem with the body, all are intertwined, so if one is out of sync it does impact on the others.
People always tell me how come you have so much energy, I firmly believe that I’m the living embodiment of the parents who gave me life, in many ways keeping their memory alive spurs me on.
With my diary I do make entries each day; of course there will be the odd lapses. In the main I write about my feelings and sometime just fragments of thought, including poetry (I compose Haiku poems).
Likewise, I do have those moments of despondency and think what purpose is life when there is so much pain along the way.
But then I think everything is interconnected, lives are lived people pass on, and the cycle of life no matter what, must go on. That’s the way nature works, nothing is permanent.
Being there for your loved ones is unconditional love, because you are giving the most precious gift anyone can give, which is your time.
Stay true to yourself Joy, and be that light in the world for your father.

Take Care,

Nilesh

P.S: Please do send the poem whenever you can.

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Dear Nilesh
I really enjoy your posts, with your positive outlook, integrity and philosophy.
Thank you so much.
I too believe that everything is interconnected, if only we knew how!! But perhaps things happen which eventually reveal the evidence of this life’s purpose, through coincidence, serendipity, the law of attraction and so on. I wish you a peaceful weekend, and I will reflect on some of your words.
Stay well
Joy

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