When my dad was in hospital the doctors didn’t say he was at the end of his life. I had hope he was going to recover. This was in March this year. My dad was of sound mind, does anyone think he knew he was dying and didnt want us to know? That he asked the docs and nurses not to tell us?
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Hi Im so sorry to read your message about your Dad. My Dad was 65 and had cancer and passed away 8 years ago. I know that he would have done anything to protect my brother and I. But we were there when the oncologist said there is nothing we could do. Its hard knowing and not knowing that they are end of life. I suppose I was in denial and thinking my brave Dad would fight it and would’ve leave us. Even the day before he died he had lots of visitors and a sense of humour.
Unfortunately my mum passed away suddenly 5 weeks ago at the age of 68 with a massive haemorrage. It all happened within a few hours. We didnt really get a chance to say goodbye like we did with Dad as she was put into a coma. I just remember sitting opposite my brother at the time thinking and actually saying “what the f*#k is happening!” It just didn’t feel real. Although Dad knew it was happening we all got to say what we needed to say and was with him. We were also with Mum, but she was sudden and actually it probably would have scared the life out of her living with a end of life prognosis. Its difficult either way.
It could be that your Dad wanted to protect you, and probably didnt want to upset the conversations between you. When you know you are near the end, I suppose its like a big elephant in the room and he would prefer to be surrounded by love instead of sadness.
Im sure he appreciated and loved you just being there.
Sending hugs and thinking of you.
Xxxx
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Thank you so much for your reply and kind words. I’m in tears right now reading your story, it must be so difficult for you losing your dad and then your mum so recently.
I think you are right and dad did want to protect us, he had many grandkids/great grandkids and i just dont think he wanted them all there if they knew. He hated a fuss.
Did you manage to get any help with your grief? I am so humbled that you have taken the time to send me hugs and thinking of me after what you are going through. Thank you so much, chat with me whenever you need.
Xxx
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Thankyou for your message, its a horrible painful journey but I know it helps that we are all here to support each other. We have all experienced loss, and just having a listening ear really helps.
I think your right about your Dad, he probably didn’t want to worry or burden anyone. He probably knew, but didnt want to upset anyone.
I remember my Dad looking at me as he was trying to breathe and the look of him being so sorry that he was putting us through those last few hours really upset him. But I wouldn’t have left his side. Its strange, you dont want to be there going through it, but then you wouldn’t be anywhere else than beside their side. I know some people dont have the chance to be with their loved ones at the end, but I feel so lucky that I was.
I haven’t had any grief councelling yet. I have contacted Cruse, but there is a waiting list. Im just taking each day as it comes. I have my mums funeral on Monday, Im not looking forward to it but we will try and do her proud. Im going to try and read a poem for her, as I did that for my Dad. But hopefully it goes okay. I keep on checking the weather, isnt it funny!! Just hope its a sunny day for her.
Thanks again for your message, and keep talking - I really do think that it helps. There are lots of lovely people on here and we can try and support each other.
Take care,
Xxxx
Yes, its vwry dofficult to get any kindnof councelling. Cruse told me there was no one in my area but then asked me to talk to her about my dad! I felt like swearing at her!
I know what you mean about being with them but not wanting to but not wanting to be anywhere else. My sister and I were with him all day until visiting ended then he passed during the night. My other sister and two brothers wernt even allowed in as there was covid on the ward so it was even harder for them.
My dad was adamant he did not want a funeral, we thought it would be different when he passed but it was so important to him that we had to go with his wishes. I hated it, no funeral, no chance to say goodbye. We had a ‘wake’ and scattered his ashes in the morning. I still feel I didnt do him justice.
I hope you get sunshine on Monday and a poem will be wonderful.
Thank you again for taking the time to talk to me i really appreciate it.