Dads wishes

My dad recently passed away from cancer, we only had 3 months with him from diagnosis to death.
Mum & dad were not together any more but loved in the same house, when dad got sick, if felt like mum wanted all the sympathy, I love my mum but I didn’t like how she treated my dad, we wasn’t allowed to tell anyone of dads medical support they were not married & at my dads funeral mum played the bereaved wife, people spoke to her & not us……I say us, there is 4 of us children & I am the youngest, I had to plan everything for dads funeral & wake & I was with him when he died……one of dads wishes was that mum was not to hold his hand when he died because he wanted someone that actually loved him to do that……as you can probably tell it was messed up & now I’m left with all these feelings & emotions & I feel I haven’t grieved for my dad because I’ve had to be his voice & sometimes fight for what he wanted. I needed somewhere to say all of this out loud. I really miss my dad & I hope he knows I’ve done everything I can to give him what he wanted. Death is hard enough without adding a family that don’t offer any help or support, not one of my siblings every asked if I was ok………I know I’m bottling things up, if anyone has any advice or tips to help, that would be great. Thank you.


I’m so sorry for your loss @StacyV - it really sounds as if you’re going through it. Please don’t feel guilty for anything that happened around your Dad’s last moments or how some members of your family have been since. Maybe your Mum feels some guilt about things that happened in the past, hence playing the grieving widow? Must have been hard for you to see when you were so close to your Dad. Your Dad would 100% know how you felt for him and how you did your best to carry out all his wishes, as much as you were allowed to - I’m sure he’d have been incredibly proud.
My Dad passed away late November and I’ve not had any support from my only sibling. I sorted out the funeral with my Mum and adult daughter, spent time with him at the funeral home (with my adult daughter), registered his death (that was so hard for me but I wanted to spare my Mum the pain), I’ve sorted all of the bills/utilities and changing over names etc, plus spent months clearing out their house ready to sell - it’s been mentally and physically exhausting! Plus, since my Dad went into hospital mid November, I’ve spent just a few nights back at my own house as my Mum doesn’t want to be on her own at night. Its so hard for me…I love her of course but want some of my life back with my own husband/friends.
Do you have anyone you can talk to about your feelings? I’ve been catching up with good friends during the day recently and its helped so much. Just to talk and spend time on my own, doing what I want to do.
I think with so many raw emotions, it seems pretty normal that siblings and other family members don’t always come together as you’d hope.
Do you like reading/walking/swimming/cooking…? Anything you can do away from the situation and have time to yourself. I’m sure your Dad would want you to have some much needed time, after such a stressful few months. Hold onto the good memories through this extra difficult time, allow yourself time to grieve and know your Dad is always in your :heart:

I’m so sorry for your loss too :broken_heart: I know exactly how hard it is taking on the responsibility of taking care of things after they die, you too should be proud of doing that, it seems you’ve been very strong for your mum & supported her well but I understand needing time for you & getting your life back to something more normal.
I married a squaddie so moved away from home many years ago, we’ve moved so much I’ve never really made friends, my husband supports me but it’s not the same. My 3 boys get most of my attention but I am trying to do more things for myself.
I go home once a month to do something with mum but sometimes it’s hard to forget what’s happened with her, I do think some of it was guilt, when he wasn’t sick, she was horrible to him, he never stopped loving her though.
My siblings are selfish, always have been & I just need to accept that & move on I think, but family is family.
I’ve thought about writing a journal, it’s been recommended a lot, I think that could help……just last night, things got ver overwhelming & with my mental health conditions it just becomes too much.
Thank you for taking the time to reply, I really do appreciate it.

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