Day 16

I had two days of crying and crying and now I 'm back to numb. I feel the pressure building inside to scream or cry but I can’t. I’ve been organising photos of H on a Frameo for the wake and I look at the pictures and I know him, but I don’t. It’s like looking at a celebrity in a magazine that you recognise but that’s all. he’s so handsome and smiley and lovely but I can’t FEEL. My head feels like it’s full of hot porridge. I’ve had to put out the online funeral announcement and i feel like I’m pretending and that someone is going to catch me, and that H is going to walk in the door and say laughing “What on earth are you doing you mad woman?”. At the same time I know it has to be done and I’m worried that people will think I didn’t like H because I’m not crying now.
I feel like I have finally completely lost my mind.


@LizFar I’ve felt everything you’ve just said. Even now, the man in my head is different to the pictures, it’s in hard to explain. I feel I’m losing him and forgetting his actions and voice. How I’d love to hear his voice.
It’s all very surreal!


You go numb and on auto pilot some days I think then wham the crying starts. I was concerned what others thought and seen but then I stopped

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@Sah28 Hey Sah28, it sounds as if you’re really making progress with things, it’s really shit isn’t it. All you have to focus on at the moment is how much you have lost. You can see them but you can’t fulfil the potential of that moment. I think that when I was where you were my brain just couldn’t process the difference. The longing to be with her was in opposition to seeing her in the photo, she’s there but not. It’s something I’ve struggled with and tbh only made limited progress with even 9 months later. But and it’s a big but, I no longer have the hot porridge in my head and I can look at photos and feel sad but feel as if I haven’t lost her because there she is and more importantly, there she is in my mind. Telling me I better not use that one for anything or she’ll kill me. They come back to you, it’s very different but my Wife is there with me now. It will get easier and you will be able to function again, it takes time, it’s slow and bit by bit but it will happen. I read somewhere that grief is a form of psychosis, we all are a bit ‘mad’ at first, literally. I know it’s difficult, breath and give yourself a bit of recognition, you’re doing possibly the most difficult thing that will be asked of you, but you are doing it.


I had a panic a couple of weeks ago and couldn’t remember my husband’s actions and voice. I got out some photographs where he was doing something or other, quietly concentrated and I could see everything about him clearly, One of him speaking at our son’s wedding was a great help.
It’s worked for me, hope it does for you.


I’m sinking and feel like the worlds closing in around me today but then tomorrow I might get through the day. My kids are keeping my head above water oldest 22 then 19 and 11. Still waiting for him to come home, still want his name to appear on my phone.

@Sah28 I know, sometimes the waves are at your ankles, sometimes your thighs then sometimes just right over your head and you tumble off, gasping and struggling. It will ebb and flow like this, but the ebbing and flowing will expand, some days you’ll just walk across the beach, other days the tide will be crashing on the rocks. He will come back to you in a way you can’t imagine just now, but you will get there. Things will get easier


That’s a lovely way of putting it. I hope so it just feels harder every day wedding anniversary in just over 3 weeks as well.

@Sah28 I Just take it one day at a time, hour by hour if I need to. Anniversaries are a bugger, I just mark them as I feel able to. Try not to feel as if you have to do something, give yourself a bit of space. I know it’s important, as all mine are to me, but there will be more and you can work out how to celebrate them (and I do mean celebrate) once you’ve got yourself back again. It’s a long game we’re in, no rules, make it work for you first, the rest will come


I have been dreaming that my husband is telling me off for arranging his funeral when he isn’t dead.