Dealing with Displaced Anger.

Okay I wonder if anyone else has this problem. I am normally a kind thoughtful, calm, and diplomatic person but as anyone who has read any of my other posts know i have been through a lot of late not just the bereavement. Well I had to go out earlier and this woman decided to have a go at me for parking in the communal street car park, I live in a very long street with numerous driveways and I am one which cant have a driveway due to water mains and gas and power mains. Of course if I paid the council an exorbitant amount of money to have said mains moved then I could have a driveway. We are talking thousands, six years ago they told me it would be about £3000 to them and another £2000 for the actual driveway. . So they told me then that i can park in the communal car park which has no house numbers it is for visitors and anyone who doesn’t have a driveway. Anyway this woman with a silver car ( a silver car in said car park had previously scratched my bumper very badly i did end up mentioning this and she did go quiet.) came up to me and told me I had no right to park there because I didn’t live up that end of the street, as I said its a v. long street. But she needs four spaces for her daughter and son. I mean all the flats have only two bedrooms so how anyone needs 4 cars and can afford to run 4 cars is beyond me. She told me I was inconsiderate and selfish and her daughter couldn’t get a space the night before and she had been wanting to get hold of me and have a go at me for parking there or put a note on my windscreen. There is plenty of other spaces down that end of the street. i pay my tax like everyone else and I am also a resident. I was polite at first and said I was considerate I only ever try to park within the white lines and not be selfish and take up two spaces. I then found out that she believed I had no right to park there. Which I do but I also said I was using my friends space down that side of the street which was also true but I didn’t need to say that because I had the right to do so on my own. She wanted to know my friends name to which I refused because I didn’t want to involve her and she told me I was lying, something I very rarely do, i try to be as honest as I can. She was nasty and bullying. and I was nice enough and defending myself to begin with… But then I just let rip and shouted I don’t need anymore of this hassle, I have been through too much and lost too many people lately and I have had people die during this COVID she just got in her car and drove off but I was left fuming and so angry. I wish I hadn’t said anything back though because now I am worried about my little car and if it comes to harm. I need it to get out and about, it keeps me sane that little bit of freedom. It isn’t insured to be parked outside my house it is insured for the residents car park. I have just had enough lately.

But the thing is how many of you have suffered from displaced anger and over-reacting to something else when it is really your bereavement and other things attached to it that has got you angry. You may be calm and deal with those things as they come up but something completely different happens, one nasty selfish inconsiderate word form a stranger and boom everything that you didn’t realise you had inside you comes out.
Or is it just me am I going crazy and having a minor mental breakdown.

Hi Meebee
I can assure you it’s not just you that has these moments as I am sure other members will agree. Little things will make us kick off. I tell myself I am not going to rise to unfriendly people but unfortunately it’s easier said than done. Unfortunately these spats tend to upset us more than we realise so doing us no good really.

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Hi Meebee
You see - you are amazing! You had all these things happen to you before, and now this madwoman picking on you and yet you STILL find the strength to write words of comfort to people like me.
What a woman you are!

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I am right there with you!! I often don’t realise why I am so upset or angry about something - I think I repressed things so much I wouldn’t even realise when deep down I was very sad still. The emotion has to come out somewhere. My counsellor suggested scheduling ‘grief time’. Sounds miserable (haha I guess it is) but can be helpful for some people, I tried it and have become better at giving myself quiet time to process and feel all the sadness. I think this can help. It’s so common to push things down because they are too painful to look at. You are not crazy, you are human!!! This is so so normal.

Oh wow your words are so kind. I am teary here reading your post but teary in a good way. That was sooo nice. The thing is everytime something bad happens to me I come on here and find people in the same boat and if I make one person feel a little better and help them a little then I feel a bit beta too. Didn’t go for my walk though I was too scared to move my car. Pity it was finally dry .

I just feel so guilty for having my car there even though it is my right too and I feel crap and ashamed for shouting in the street even though it was only a couple of words. I thought of so much better things to say later. Isn’t it always the case. urgh. :slightly_smiling_face: I could have smiled and said of course I am happy to move my car if you pay the £6000 for my driveway. In the meantime the council suggested I park here. lol At least we have here. I think it is what is keeping me sane while I wait for a counsellor. Another really nice lady on here recommended it . I do put things in boxes in my brain in order to go on but usually its not a big deal and i take time and deal with it as the time comes. However I think it was more a case of too much happening at once and that was the straw that broke the camels back. Just a wee bit worried about my reaction biting me in the ass later. Take care all.

You are more than welcome. It is so deserved. X

Hi Meebee. NO!!! you are not going crazy, and it’s all part of this awful grief thing. Emotions can be all over the place. What was a quiet person can become a stroppy one, and a stroppy one become quiet. There are hidden depths to all of us, and mostly kept out of the way and unacknowledged. But when we suffer trauma, as we all have, the inhibitions drop away and may reveal parts of us we never thought existed. ‘Triggers’, like nasty people and inconsiderate ones can cause a flareup of anger, even in anyone not bereaved. But it does highlight the fact that we just don’t know what the other person is going through and why we must take care with words.
If there is any further hassle from that person then get onto the local Council, who I presume, manage the car park.
It’s always the same isn’t it? When we could well do without hassle along it comes. It’s called ‘Sod’s Law’. If you drop a piece of bread and jam it will always fall jam side down!!! If you go up a nice quiet country lane along comes a great big oil tanker!! and no passing places. See what I mean? It all has to be taken as it comes. Not much point in upsetting ourselves.
Get some advice on the parking problem.
Blessings and a hug. John.

Hi there Meebee
Hope you don’t mind but I was thinking of you this morning at 6.30a.m. I was walking my dogs on the nearby seafront. On the beach my little terrier likes to be a ‘big man’ and bark at the waves. Most people laugh at his antics which last about five minutes.
A woman approached me and complained about his barking and suggested I trained him to stop barking. As the beach is remote, surrounded by sea and woodland with no houses or cars anywhere near and only one other person in sight on beach I couldn’t see who he was bothering especially at that time in the morning. I won’t go into detail on my response but I did think about you.
Pat

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What a silly woman and most annoying, she had no right to tell you to train your dog to stop barking, what utter ignorance. I am annoyed on your behalf… I too live near the sea. Your wee terrier was just having fun and long may he continue. Some people I mean if she had kept her mouth shut and continued on with her walk she wouldn’t have heard your dog anymore. I mean there is so much other noise on beaches (seagulls for instance) or in the street. She should come along the beach walk I go on its relatively quiet and wide but if that annoys her then she should hear the teenagers with their music and beach parties. There is room for everyone. Urgh some people should learn tolerance and to be better people . I feel for you. I am glad you have your dogs and the sea can normally be so relaxing and I don’t know I find being near the sea helps with my grief. I hope that it helps you too. Its just a shame how much other peoples mean-spiritedness can resonate with us . Take care.

John has hit the nail on the head with this. I have very little filter at the moment. I work in a customer faced environment so good job I’m off for a while. When a customer is in your face they don’t stop and think maybe you’re having a bad day. I have learned to be nice to everyone because they might be going through hell and still have to do their job. Counting to 10 is not happening right now but I’m sure that will come back in time

I too work in a customer facing environment and am used to having very good diplomatic skills for this and as you say just be nice to everyone no matter what they are being like. Especially right now because it has been a trying time for everyone and some people have no patience and get truely worked up over the littlest thing like toilet paper and hand santiser. I am used to customers panicing. But I find it is much easier to put on a professional face at work. It is in a way a freedom from your outside stuff to be able to put that down and just get on with your work no matter what it is. however If you do need a moment to collect yourself I do hope that your work is being supportive with you and letting you a have a moment through the back or maybe you can work in another part of the business just now some companies will support you in this if they can. If they know it will be better for you and better for their business. Hope you have a good manager. Take care.

I’m still off work but my manager has been really supportive. I’ve requested a meeting to see what going back will look like

Dear Blue1
Am glad your manager has been supportive. That makes all the difference at times like these doesn’t it. Hopefully they will give you different options. I don’t know if you are in a union or not but they can also support you if you are.
Thinking of you take care.
Meebee

Thanks Meebee the meeting went really well. My friend’s are taking me on holiday to Cornwall so hopefully will have something sorted when I come back💙

Oh brilliant that is just what you need a wee holiday. And to go with a friend means you are not alone to dwell too much but when you do need to you have someone to help you get back up. Good for you. I hope you have a lovely and relaxing time relatively speaking of course. Its just what you need. Take care.
Meebee

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Thank you. I have the most amazing friends. I am so grateful to them for looking after me. I’m sure Frankie is happy that they are there. They miss him terribly too. Especially my best friend as he was like a big brother to her. A few of us are doing a walk in his honour on Sunday with a picnic and a wee dram at the end. Call it his wake as his friends couldn’t attend the funeral. I will be scattering his ashes at some point in the Scottish Highlands where we spent many holidays and got engaged :blue_heart::black_flag:󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

Dear Blue1
That is a lovely thing to do you really do have good friends. They make all the difference at a time like this. I do hope the weather holds till Sunday for you. A wee dram in his honour is definitely a good call. I myself am not a big drinker but i think a wee dram is always in order for a remembrance. I too like to toast the person who is gone. That is such a lovely idea. The Highlands are beautiful in good weather I used to go there on holidays with my mum and dad he was very fond of them. I am glad they are a special place to you too it makes a difference if there is somewhere we can go to remember that will last longer than us.
Thinking of you
Meebee

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I have only ever visited the Highlands once with my wife, and we were impressed by the beauty and the peace there. We lived on Dartmoor in Devon for a number of years and we found that peace there too. In the South East of England where I live now there is very little of that peace. All go and making money, even in the middle of covid. Take care. John.

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Wow jon
I have long wanted to visit Dartmoor after reading books and seeing pictures and I wanted to see the famous ponys. I am rather lucky in the area I live parts of it are a dump to be honest but that is the councils fault it was once a lovely place. But the reason I am lucky is that I am near to both the sea and the countryside. I think it is being able to beside the peace of the sea that has kept me sane these last few months. I am not a beach person per se i am not so keen on the sand but the sea is in my heart. You seem despite your circumstances to have peace in your heart and that is a great blessing but I hope that even in the midst of all that chaos around you you find a little place that is a quiet sanctuary. There are some very lovely gardens around that are sometimes an oasis in the midst of the city.
Hope you are keeping well. Thiniking of you.
Meebee