Hi i am mew here. I lost my husband of 33 years in May after 15months of fighting cancer . I am devastated and feel so lonely. I am Now back at work full time and coping pretty well there as I am busy and dont have time to think. Apart from my boss who asks how i daily everyone else seams to have forgotten what i am going through. Maybe because i smile and laugh just like before but inside im falling apart. My colleague who I get on well with is currently on a cruise, something my self and husband were planning on doing for my 60th birthday in October, however this never got planned due to his diagnosis. I know she will be excited when she returns next week and will be telling everyone about it and as i sit mext to her i will hear the same stories over and over. I dont want to hurt her but i really dont know how i am going to cope especially as she has also booked another cruise for october which would have been the one me and my husband would have been on. Maybe i am being over sensitive but has anyone been through anything similar or have tips how to cope. Thanks
Hello! I donāt know your name, so I donāt know how to call you. I donāt want to bother you with my tragedy, because itās horrible and I donāt want to put another burden on your shoulders, but I do relate. My most beloved husband died last year and what really has helped me survive, except my faith, is work, but even though I work hard and Iām very busy, I cry every day and sometimes at work too, because itās getting worse in many ways. I should be proud of everything that Iāve accomplished so far, but the anxiety I go through every morning is even worse than the suffering itself. People are very insensitive, they talk about their plans and travels, even though they know that Iām all alone in a foreign country fighting for everything to survive. If you have someone to lean on, please do it, because people around me showed me their backs, they donāt want to be bothered with a grieving person with so many problems to solve. In the church it was even worse. I still have a few people here to help from time to time and two best friends of mine living 10 000 km from here that I miss so much, so at least we can contact each other on the phone or through e-mail. Itās extremely difficult without a family, so I think about coming back, because my best friends are like my family and theyāve been for decades in my life. I hope that youāll find someone here who can write you more positives, I just can recommend this forum that is a real blessing, very active and full of supportive people. We help each other the best we can and everyone understands. So please, come as much as you can, itās really helpful. Wish you a lot of strength and please never lose your hope, there will be moments when youāll smile or laugh again and some things will get a little bit easier as time goes by. We canāt change what happened, but we try to adapt to this new horrible reality by finding a purpose. For many people itās a family, friends, neighbors, work or faith, but if nothing helps, this place is like a shelter, full of amazing people, who always understand, give a comfort, support and a precious time to make you feel better. They are a Godsend.
Hugs from Janka
Dear Anj
Iām so sorry you too have lost your husband. I lost mine just a year ago now so a little further along the grief journey than you.
I made a post very similar to your only a short time ago. People are oblivious to our suffering, they really do not think. My sister is away again at the moment and constantly send little videos and photos of where they are. Iāve tried to ask her not too and even been a little blunt but itās doesnāt stop. All I can say is try to keep busy when sheās back, zone out if you can or even visit the loo if it gets too much. If itās her first cruise sheās going to want to tell her stories, I donāt think you can stop it.
I too hope you find this site helpful, it really has kept me sane x
Dear Ann I am sorry to hear about your situation. You are back at work which must be difficult for you but I am pleased you are coping well. Seeing couples enjoying themselves can often bring up emotions of what we had and what we have lost. I normally donāt have a problem with it but if you are feeling low or emotional then anything can set off the tears. My wife died on Christmas day after two years of cancer treatments. I now find it much easier to control the tears but there are still days when everything seems to be shouting at you about what you have lost. I would probably tell your colleague about how you feel maybe not straight away but if she goes on about it. I think it is usually better to make things clear especially if you are finding it difficult.
I hope you find some solace here on this site as I have. Wishing you all the strength you will need and sending hugs
Tom 
Hiya I really can emphasise with you. I lost my darling Graham on Valetines Day last year after 37 happy years. He had been ill for 3 years with heart failure but he was coping well and we had planned cruise for my 60th this year. He had booked a months holiday to launch me into 60. I too work as much as possible and try to be normal at work as people donāt want to hear our pain but I hate hearing about others my age going away or out at the weekend with their husbands it makes me feel so sad. I donāt join in anymore with those conversations and wear earbuds while working. It might be easier to show your tears and say its too hard to listen to at the moment to remind others you are grieving not only his loss but the loss of the future you planned. Here if you need to chat. My family are insisting we honour my husbands planned activities which though lovely of them I donāt want to do.
Hi and sorry for your loss. Youāre. Not being oversensitive at all. Itās nine and a half months since I lost my partner suddenly. and listening to friends and family talking about their holidays has been torture. They just donāt stop to think that weāll never have those trips and new memories again. I donāt expect others to put their lives on hold but a bit of empathy wouldnāt go amiss. You are still so early on in your grief too. Itās difficult to avoid those conversations so I just grit my teeth and fake a smile until I can escape. Then I have to deal with my tears again. Grief is such a hard journey. Take care.
Hi Anj.
I understand your position. Itās taken me a while (years) to disassociate my own experiences from the rest of the world and their lives. And Iāve not achieved it completely yet. Speaking to a counsellor helped me. In the beginning I was constantly linking my brotherās death to lots of things: news stories, tv programmes, other peopleās lives, music - almost anything could trigger it. It wasnāt until Iād been more exposed to these feelings that it began to settle down more. In parallel, as more time passes, the brain creates new neural connections which partly resulted in some alleviation of the constant feeling of grief I had, but this takes time and itās painful. They say time heals, and in a way it did for me, but not in the way it sounds at first, and not in the way people who have never lost someone might imagine. I constantly think about my brother, but more happy faces rather than sad. But as I say, the sad thoughts will never leave, but the intensity of emotion and grief very slowly reduced for me. I donāt think you can avoid these things too much as theyāre everywhere. But I donāt know, maybe you can in this situation. It depends on your relationship with the co-worker and whether you want to tell her to not mention it around you or similar.
Thank you all for your replies. It makes me feel better knowing my feelings are normal. I really dont want my friend to stop talking about her holiday and i know she would be upset if she knew this was hurting me. I do however believe people who havenāt been through what we have realise how we are hurting . I think I will listen to her stories and grin and bear it but walk away if i need to . 
Hello,
I understand one hundred per cent how you are feeling and believe me, my feelings right now are just the same. It can be exhausting just trying to stay smiling for the rest of the world when youāre weeping inside. Iām so thankful for this forum and another, called WayUp, where people in similar situations can share their feelings, experience, and even advice. Take heart in that you are truly not alone. Sending love and compassion for your loss. Xx
@Anj22 It is very difficult watching others go on with a life you thought you would have. Try to remember, that they donāt truly understand. Is there anyone there with a loss, that might understand you? Until deep grief hits, itās a mystery to others. Do the best you can to ignore the comments. Go into the restroom and cry if you need too, and comfort yourself when you get home. At least work is a distraction, and you are around people, though I know the instinct is to cocoon. I hope things get better. Iām almost at the 2 month anniversary of my recent loss. 9 years since husband died. It gets better. You will survive 
Cindy
I could not deal w/ listening to people talk about their cruises. When I lost my husband, and old friend contacted me and went on about her upcoming cruise to Aruba and how they āfinish each others sentences.ā I was numb so it didnāt matter, but now I think āDonāt people think before they talkā? I had just lost my spouse.
Iāve had very similar experiences.
As you sayā¦ at first I was numb and in total shock for many, many months.
I would listen to former work colleagues go into painstakingly minute details of every single aspect of their holidays, and their amazing times, without them even bothering to ask me as a heartbroken, bereft, grieving widow, suffering with chronic loneliness, panic and anxiety attacks, how I am.
It wasnāt a conversation, and it wasnāt two-way communication.
I was merely a silent sounding board for them to boast and gloat on.
It made me realise, without any doubt in my mind, how selfish, self-absorbed, uncaring, cruel, thoughtless and totally shallow and superficial these mindless idiots are.
Each phone call left me feeling worse than ever.
My beautiful husband and I kept ourselves, to ourselves, simply because we didnāt fit into this shallow and superficial, mindless and cruel world.
I miss him so, so much, with all my heart and soul, and I always will, forevermore.
He was my world and I was his.
What we hadā¦ most, can only dream of.
Please know that youāre not alone, and try to take comfort in the great strength of your love for one another. A long-time single friend of mine said to me recently that, as hard and devastating as it must be to lose the love of your life, your soulmate, she believes that she would rather have known and experienced that depth of love and then lost it, than never to have had it. Xx
I really get what youāre saying. Now more than ever I see the superficiality in a largely ego driven world we live in and itās painful. My husband buffered me from it all. We had a deep connection just sitting beside each other eating a meal. That mattered more than anything. Just sitting with each other. Thatās what real life should be, simple and good. Love is the most important thing in the world, everything else is a distraction and ānoise.ā
@SusanDawn and @Nancy123
Thank you for your kind messages, with which I totally agree.
The difficulty for me is thisā¦ Iām 59 now, I was 58 when my beautiful, loving, kind, gentle and caring husband was taken from my side, by cancer.
He was also 58 yesrs old, and we had reached a time in our lives where we had started talking about, and putting plans into place for our future retirement.
Evrything has changedā¦ drastically.
At 59, I am too young to āfitā into, or feel comfortable, in bereavement groups mostly comprised of people in their 70ās, 80ās and 90ās, who not only have a completely different lifestyle from me, as well as time on their hands to fill, their perspective and outlook is naturally incompatible with mine, having lived full lives with their spouses.
Whereas, my husbandās life was cut short, in the prime of his life.
Iām mourning not only my soulmate, best friend, and amazing husband, but our dreams, hopes and plans for our future, and the wonderful gift of growing old together, which is something we always wanted.
I donāt have much (if any) family at all, and they are distantā¦ geographical and emotionally.
Sadly, being blissfully happy in a fairytale marriage with a husband who was truly one in a million, makes you a target for jealousy and envy.
I work full-time, and together with my role and long hours, it means that I have little time to establish or maintain friendshipsā¦ yet, thereās enough time to feel the heavy burden of loneliness and isolation every single day.
I also prefer authentic, emotionally intelligent and meaningful connections and interactions, rather than the pointless and superficial c**p that so many people embroil themselves in, these days.
I find a lot of it so brain-numbingā¦ yet I still politely, smile and nod, but itās not for me!
My husband was my world, and I was hisā¦ and we were totally devoted to each other.
Our dreams and our future have been destroyedā¦ and devastatingly, this is where I find myself now.
Sending you both strength and love.
Eve xx
Hello Eve
You could be describing me and my lovely Ray there. We were intertwined, inseparable, everything to each other. We spoke several times a day, it didnāt matter about what. We just loved each otherās company. I was his best friend and he was most certainly mine. Sounds like Iām making him out to be a saint, and heād laugh at that, but he really was truly special.
Iāve just turned 56 and Iām left wondering what can I get out of this world now. I hate the superficial bs people go on about these days too. Itās all just noise and I donāt want to hear it. If that makes me sound miserable, Iām past caring. The amount of advice Iāve had, take up a new hobby, go for a walk, go on holiday, āmaybe youāll meet someone else youāre only youngā, thatās the helpful advice a neighbour gave me the other day. Felt like slapping him!
Anyway, Iām heartbroken, distraught and just fed up of life without my best pal. I donāt know what Ray would want me to do, so I donāt find the platitudes of āheād want you to be happyā or ālive your life for himā, donāt find them at all helpful. Or maybe I just am a misery guts, after all!!
Hi Eve I am sorry you are suffering so much. Itās very difficult to keep going along with out the only thing in life that made everything worthwhile. We were looking forward to retiring early in a few years and having some fun but it wasnāt to be. We closed our business the same day my wife was diagnosed. Retirement came earlier than expected but what a retirement. Now I hardly speak to anyone. In the last ten days I have had one conversation. If it werenāt for posting on here I would go crazy. I hope you find some peace soon
Wishing you all the best Tom
Eve and Peg, you both lost your husbands so young. It sounds beyond hard. My husband had a āwidow makerās heart attackā at 63, but he survived, although the 3 months in the hospital (actually 6 admissions to diff. facilities) were touch and go. I was 51 at the time. He was totally healthy and ate right, didnāt smoke, drink, exercised all the time, yetā¦ He survived 15 more years. I was fortunate, but itās still a major loss and a nightmare. He was young for his age, always busy, productive and helpful to others. We had no family support to speak of, but each other was our family. I worked as an RN so I knew which places to take him and we moved a lot those years because of insurance coverage, etc. One hospital excellent, but a 5 hour trip each way. I would do it for him again in a milli-second. Iāve had people tell me to get a cat/dog, a hobby or whatever else slips out of their neurons. Maybe I should get a gerbil, name him Jack and itāll make things better?? I still have my weird sense of humor which he would want me to have.
Hi Fiona,
Youāre not being miserableā¦ not at all, just authentic and real, and youāre saying it as it is.
Itās been 13 months for me nowā¦ has anything changed?
Has anything got better?
Categoricallyā¦ NO!
In fact, as time goes on, the pain, sadness, loneliness and heartbreak intensifies, along with the realisation thatā¦ THIS IS ITā¦ THIS IS MY āLIFEā now.
Like you, Fiona, platitudes are of no use to me at all.
āBe thankful for the time you had had with himā.
āThink of the happy timesā.
āThink of what Michael would wantā.
I know exactly what my Michael would wantā¦ to be here with me, living our lives together, not laying 6 feet in the ground!
Blah, blah, blahā¦ itās all mindless BS, Fiona.
What I had was pure MAGIC, and amazing and worth living for, the stuff that fairytales and dreams are made of.
Platitudes might be ok for some and what they had, but not for me, I just want my beautiful husband, our amazing life together, and the future that was stolen from us.
Nothing else interests me.
Hobbies, walking, talking, holidaying, are not going to help me, or bring back the one person in this world who truly knew me, loved and cherished me, for me.
As Iāve said before, a hidden blessing for me maybe, is that I work full-time.
There are no friendships there, only professional, working connections, with people that I donāt have much in common with.
If nothing else, it provides me with structure to my day, and Iām forced to function regardless of how bad I feel, or what Iām going through.
Even though there are people around me at work, and lots of them, I still feel very lonely, and itās where my husband worked also.
Like you and your Ray, we were inseparable, completely intertwined and called ourselves the āAā Team.
At home, itās just me and the four walls, in our dream home, that I am struggling to maintain on my own.
Not even our beloved cat, Fluffy, is here anymore to keep me company.
I honestly donāt know what will become of me, and itās something I think of endlessly.
The one person I want to ask āwhat should I do?ā isnāt here, and I honestly donāt know what to do?
I literally muddle through from one day to the nextā¦ thatās how it isā¦ one day at a time.
Maybe, it will be this way forever?
When I die, my gravestone should read that I died the same day my amazing soulmate, best friend and husband did, because thatās exactly what happened.
My earthly body is present, but itās just a hollow shell now, my soul left with Michaelās on that bright and sunny day in June last year.
I wish I had some advice, but I havenāt.
We just have to keep going, somehow.
Take care, Fiona xx
Hi Tom,
Thank you for your kind message.
Your lovely wife, Puri, and my wonderful husband, Michael, were both unlucky enough to have been taken from us by bile duct cancer.
I regularly read your posts and you always sound so encouraging, and very kind and helpful towards others on this forum.
Iām sorry to hear that youāve only had one conversation in the last 10 daysā¦ it sounds familiar to me though.
You have your lovely dogs you go for walks with, which are a blessing, but then being at home with the four walls, the loneliness and silence is unbearable.
The loneliness and isolation are crazy-making, for sure.
Do you have any thoughts or plans for your future?
I too, hope I find some peace soon, Tom, but I doubt it.
Thank you for your kindness, and wishing you all the best too.
Eve xx