Dealing with the loss of my husband

Well, here I am, the day after the inquest and do I feel better? The answer is ‘no’. It was not as distressing as I thought it would be, and the Coroner, who was a very nice man returned a verdict of Accidental Death due to the fall my husband had in Sainsburys. Afterwards, I felt as if the door had finally shut on my 66 years with Bill, and all that is left is a huge gap where he should be. As I am now 86, my hope is that it won’t be too long before I see him again. If anyone can give me any advice on how to live with this, I would be grateful. I am lucky to have a family but they all seem to have moved on, which is how it should be, and I feel as desolate as ever especially with Christmas looming ever nearer. Kind regards to you all. Eileen

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Hello Eileen, I am pleased that the inquest is now over and it was not as terrible as it could have been. The hardest part is now facing you, living without your beloved husband until you are together again. I know exactly what you mean about families, they move on quickly which like you say, is as it should be, they have their work, your grandchildren have school, college etc. so their mind’s are not constantly whirring around like ours are. There are only so many things you can do to fill your day and when you get older you do not have the same energy as you once had so tire more quickly. I went for my 'flu jab the other day and went into town for a few Xmas things. I do not trim the house anymore, cannot face it. I used to have the house trimmed from top to bottom for 47 years, from the first Christmas we were married to the Christmas before my husband died and I have not done it since, Christmas brings no joy anymore. I was starting to feel very sorry for myself, seeing families Christmas shopping together then I got a 'phone call from my son telling me that my best friend’s son had died from cancer, he had been fighting it for a year. We had known each other for 44 years and were also neighbours and our sons were best friends with her sons, she also lost her husband 20 years ago from cancer. This made me realise how lucky I was to still have my wonderful family with me and to have had a long and happy life with my husband. It has broken my heart to see what she and her boys are now going through, the funeral is next week so another heartbreaking day for everyone. We are not alone in our grief, so many people are having their lives ripped apart daily and there is not a darned thing we can do about it. They tell us to live healthily but our friend’s son never smoked, never drank, was a sports enthusiast and ate healthy meals just like his dad, yet they both die of cancer in their early 50’s. All we can do Eileen is make the best of the time we have on this earth. I have lived a wonderful life, had wonderful parents, husband and children so when my time comes I have no regrets and I know Peter will be waiting for me. The week before he died he said to me that when he dies he is going to tell St. Peter to send me the other way when it is my turn to turn up at the Pearly gates because he knows I will turn up with a list of jobs that need doing. He joked right up until the end. Take care Eileen, we are all here for each other.
Sheila xx

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Thank you, Sheila, for your lovely response to my posting. I feel deeply for your friend who has lost a son. It must be the worst kind of experience, losing a child. I know this because my sister, a widow, lost a son who was 46 and she says that for her it was different than when her husband died. Both caused her terrible grief but the death of her son was, she says, harder to come to terms with. I hope and pray that my two sons and two daughters outlive me by many years. My biggest problem now is living alone without my life’s love and companion. We both knew that one of us would be left behind at some point, and having listened to the Coroner reading the autopsy report yesterday made me glad that Bill went first because his quality of life would have been NIL in a short time to come. In some ways his accident was a blessing in disguise because at least he died peacefully with my holding his hand, and did not have to suffer from the many things found to be wrong with him. Like you, I am no longer interested in Christmas. I will be spending it with one of my sons but it means nothing to me, and the decorations will remain in their box this year. All I can think of is the Spring with its lighter nights and sunny days. Only then will I get better, I hope. Your husband’s last joke gave me something to smile about. It would have been just the sort of thing my husband might have said. Best wishes, and I hope that we will all be feeling better soon. Eileen xx

My husband took his own life in March, he was only 38 and we had 3 children, I was so angry at him for the first few months. It does get easier but doesn’t go away I feel like I’m always asking my 8 year old whether she needs to talk about daddy as I don’t know what she’s thinking or feeling. I found him as he hung himself so I get freaked out regularly when I’m alone if it’s dark, people think your a robot if you appear to be coping just because it seems that way doesn’t mean you are xx

My husband died suddenly while we were shopping 1 week a go

My husband died suddenly last week while we were in France I’m in total shock please help

Hi All
My husband died 10 weeks ago, after an illness of a few months, and things do seem to have changed over time.
I still have all his things around me, I have printed many photos and regularly talk to them. I sometimes joke that at least now he does not answer back!
I try and go out a lot, meet with friend & get by as best I can from
day to day.
I am lucky I don’t have children at home to consider but I do get lonely in our big house.
I try to take all Counselling opportunities that arise and actively seek them out. It seems to help to keep telling my story and re thinking what has happened.
Like others I would like to meet people in a similar position and have just found out about a local group so hopefully that will be helpful.
Wishing you all some peace and comfort. Staying strong sounds good but I am not sure if that sometimes carry’s the meaning
not to cry and I do believe that crying is helpful. x

You are welcome Eileen. We just have to plod on and live life the best way we can under the circumstances. I, like you, am in a way grateful that Peter went first because of his illness he would not have been able to live on his own and our children could not be there, like I was, 24/7. He would have had to go into a Nursing home and that itself would have killed him. I had made him a promise that until the last breath left my body I would care for him at home, and I did. I thank God that I am nearing the end of my life because like some of the younger people on this forum, they have so many years facing them without their loved ones and that would have killed me. Take care Eileen. Sheilax

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hi all once again I can’t sleep so I have Been sat here reading al l your post how very sad w all are ,I keep walking to the window and looking out into the darkness ,there is a slight breeze,and it looks so cold and I wonder how all our loved ones fit up there ,I also wonder if they can see our pain and agony because it is agony,and it is beyond pain that darkness that I am looking out on feels like my heart cold damp weiry I only hope that one day we can all feel again

Hello Teresa. Another who cannot sleep, I echo your sentiments entirely. It’s been 12 months, just over and I feel pretty dreadful too. I remember messaging you in the early days, my Husband was a Dennis too. I have started not to sleep at night, then feel exhausted all day but still can’t sleep, it’s like a vicious circle. Take care

Good morning Tina, I am another one who can’t sleep, went to bed at 1 am and back up at 5 am just tossing and turning, cat napping, then I try and have a sleep in the afternoon but it doesn’t work. I bought some tablets from the health food store to see if they would help but they didn’t. I took a couple of Kwells one night as when I take them for travel sickness I always feel drowsy but they didn’t help either. I refuse to go down the prescription sleeping tablets route. I have been making out my Christmas food list as my family are coming on the 22nd December and staying until the 27th, they are coming in dribs and drabs so I won’t have them all at once at any given time so it means a lot of changing bed sheets and cooking. I find it harder now perhaps it is because I have got used to having my own space or perhaps it is because I am 75 and not as young as I once was. I love to see them come but I like to see them go, then a few days later I am missing the noise. You take care Tina, love Sheila xx

Hello Sheila. I understand what you mean about sleep. At one time sleep defined and separated night from day didn’t it, now it seems dozing spells are just little interludes to a constant 24 hour period. I don’t envy you the Xmas arrangements front. Dennis and me didn’t make a fuss about Xmas for ourselves so I won’t miss it personally. Hope generally things are going ok for you. Things aren’t great for me as on top of not really coping with losing my Husband I don’t think I will have my Mum much longer. It’s strange as I often wondered how my Husband would cope with my grief when the worst happened with my Mum but now I won’t have his support at all when that happens. Plus we are all stressed about our German Shepherd as we took her to the vets with what we thought was an abscess but it’s a mass and likely to be cancerous by the look on the vets face. It was sad to read of your friends loss, it must be hell for his family. Sometimes you simply just ask yourself “why”? Take care.

Oh Tina, I am so very sorry your mum is so ill, it seems to be on thing after another. My dad died in the January and my mums mum died 8 weeks later. To lose your husband and mum in a matter of weeks is devastating, then as if we hadn’t suffered enough my sister died of cancer so my mum lost her husband, her mum and then her daughter, how she survived I do not know but she did but I had Peter and our sons to see me through it all and to keep me strong. I am so sorry about your German Shepherd, I don’t know if I told you but I went through the same thing a few months ago with our GSD Barney but he had to be put to sleep straight away as it was cancer of the heart and they said if I had left him a few more hours he would have suffered terribly, the hard thing was it was so very fast, we didn’t know he was ill until that morning. Life can be so terribly cruel. I hope you find the strength to cope with what could be facing you in the weeks to come, I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Keep in touch Tina and look after yourself. Sheilax

I wonder if anyone else is in the situation where they don’t know what to do for the best!
I find that if I am at home all day I feel really lonely & low by the end but if I arrange to go out, it seems a real effort and I don’t want to do it but I am a little bit less sad & lonely at the end of the day. i tend try and organise it to have alternate days of doing or not doing things.
I find the grandchildren uplifting but when I see them, like you, Sheila, they tire me much more than when Pete was with me.
Everything seems such an effort now, I am going to
A grown in Australia for Xmas, which sounds grest but really I am just running away bcos I could not bear a Xmas & New Year here doing everything without Pete for the first time.
I might be stronger next year, I am hoping so but some of you seem to feel just as sad & bereft 12 months on anyway.
Wishing you all some solace
Sally xx

Thanks for your kind wishes Sheila, I did read about Barney which saddened me a lot. I know all dogs are wonderful creatures but GSD’s have a wonderfully strong presence don’t they. If the worst happens there won’t be another, Zara was our 2nd GSD, I know you have had several yourself. Thanks for your reply and warmest wishes to you.

Hello Sally, I am the same as you, I love seeing our grandchildren but like you I tire more easily now as mine are still very young and want you to play games with them all the time. I just wish I could go to bed on Xmas eve and not wake up until the day after New Years day. This grieving does not go away, you get used to being on your own and pleasing yourself but every day is the same. Going to bed shortly, I hope you have a decent nights sleep. Take care. Sheila xx

You take care Tina and I hope everything works out well for you. Sheila xx

Hello , I am so sorry for your loss . I lost my husband nearly 7 months ago suddenly . I sleep maybe 5 hours a day , am never hungry ( lost so much weight) , don’t watch television any more . I wish I could help you I really do . I’ve just gone back to work everybody else says it’s the right move , I’ll try anything to help me then ultimately my 4 children xxx

Hi there

Lost of your lost,lost my husband too just gone 4 weeks and it’s been hard with have small children and he was 34 years old and I feel that apart of me has gone with him… I not coping very well… How are you coping been 9 weeks x

I lost my husband last January and I still have days that are not good. The majority of days and weeks are really good. I have a wonderful son and daughter 5 grandchildren and 2 great granddaughters and good friends but some days the grief overwhelms me, we were married 43 years, he was my best friend, husband, confident and lover. Everyone deals differently with grief but no one really understands what we as a person goes through its very difficult to explain the loss and pain the loneliness and being alone. People say get on with your lives it gets easier but does it. This is not a dampener for anyone so please no one take offence. I hope anyone reading this that hasn’t gone what we have may have some understanding. Take care everyone x

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