Dealing with the practical stuff

Am I alone…since losing my husband in April, I seem to have lost confidence in tackling issues related to practical stuff. True, he dealt with those issues so now it’s down to me. I know this. I recognise the necessity of working through these issues, but what should be something that just needs organisation, has become a huge mountain to climb in my head. Just wondering if anyone else is having similar issues…and if yes how they are tackling it.
Annette

Hi Annette.
I lost my beloved husband on 2 November and working through all of the paperwork that needs attending to (it is a double edged sword because if you don’t contact organisations, companies etc to advise of the death then you constantly get correspondence through with his name on it or both of your names which is really upsetting). I have made out a list and each day I phone or email one of the names on the list. I still have lots to get through, but find that I can only tackle one thing at a time as I am emotionally drained by the end of each task and crying my eyes out. So my advise is take baby steps.
Sending you a hug.
June

Thanks June. I really feel I needed that hug! Baby steps sounds good…moving forward ever so slowly. Take care. Annette xx

You’re not alone, I lost my husband in March and I lost confidence too. Dave was the one who did most of our paperwork and almost all of the driving so, having to do it all on my own was giving me panick attacks.
One day I just sat down in a flap and I could almost hear Dave telling me to pull myself together, take my time and just do it. Since then I’ve been OK, I still doubt myself at times but I think “what would Dave do” and I’m fine again. I’ve even managed to drive my car over to Spain to visit my grandchildren, I think Dave would have been proud of me for that.
Take your time and just think things through, tackle just one or two things at a time then forget the rest until tomorrow.

Hi Ashtrees. I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t know how I did it but I did most of the paperwork in the first fortnight…the thing that’s holding me to ransom now some months later, is sorting the cars and boxes of shed and electronic stuff…which is all a bit of a mystery to me. I need to sort it cos I’m moving soon. One day at a time and eventually we’ll be able to look back and see how far we’ve come. Xx

Junebug, my wife died as recently as the 10th December. I registered her death just last Wednesday and was given a folder with a tear off card to send off which it is said will stop all mail in her name, but it will take 3 months to come into operation. I also used the tell us us once system which notifies all national and local government bodies if her death. I have to wait to see if this works.

Hi Cliff. Sorry for your loss…hope you are getting through this time as best you can.
The one-stop notification is helpful for govt agencies but I’ve found the continuing contact by stores, charities etc harder to stop. I understand that there is an outfit whereby you contact them and the deceased person is removed from databases thereby stopping future mailings.
Any useful info on this would be appreciated. I did go online to check it out but found the options confusing at the time.
All the best, chin up, pat on back, keep posting.
Annette

Hello Annette and thank you for your kind thoughts. I wonder if what you are looking for is the card notification I referred to. I can’t help you with any details unfortunately as I sent it off straight away. My wife received many catalogues, most of which she binned herself. I am amazed at the speed with which the tell us once system works, however. I completed the one line form last Thursday. My wife’s state pension paid four weekly was due today and i thought it would be in the bank this morning, bearing in mind the Christmas break and that in due course I’d be asked for a refund. My bank message me with all credits to the account usually by 7.30 on the morning of receipt. But nothing.

Hi Cliff. Thanks for replying…yes the one stop works well. I couldn’t get the DVLA to be included as I hadn’t taken the car regos with me when registering my husband’s death, so have had to sort that myself.
I’ll try again with the database thing for non govt items
It’s such early days for you…well done what you’re doing. Cannot take in how hard this all is but one thing, and one tear at a time, and bit by bit we proceed through the jungle of grief and shock. I find it very comforting to read and post on this site…as tragic as it is, fact is that we’re all here with a common thread, and we’ve arrived with our different stories.
All the best. Annette

I lost my husband 19th May, I did all the paperwork etc, organised holiday bookings, even the packing, but since Alan passed away my confidence has hit rick bottom, cannot make a single decision without going over it to be and again then worrying if I’ve made the right decision, we always talked everything through and made decisions jointly, even though he’d leave all the arrangements for me to sort, I didn’t mind, but now he’s not here to talk things over, I’m just floundering at every turn.

Hi Cliff, DWP were very quick to stop my husband’s pension payment on notification from tell us once, but a bit slow at accrediting me with my increased payment. After about four weeks I contacted them by phone and it was sorted on the phone and new payment plus backdated credited in five or so days. The person I spoke to said they had the notification but it would have stayed in the pile till it worked it’s way to the top if I hadn’t phoned,!!

Hi. Sounds so familiar…loss of confidence … having tried to analyse my behaviour I think it’s cos at the end of the day now it’s down to me to make all the decisions. Yikes.
In fact, I think the problem is magnified in my head because I don’t have him to lean on either emotionally or with the dreaded practical stuff.
I need to learn how to wire a plug, mix cement, charge a car battery etc etc etc etc.
So, don’t be daunted…you’re in good company…I feel like a child at the moment.
Just hope this gets better in time and figure that after the stuff we’ve gone through, having heart ripped out and life turned upside down, it really is ok to allow ourselves some time and space to find ourselves again and move forward slowly.
Helped by a box of Thornton’s!
All the best. Xxx

I feel like at 52 I have to be an adult for the first time. I went from living with my parents to getting married. We had blue and pink jobs. Blue jobs were mainly financial and anything not to do with housework, cooking, shopping etc. In the 4 weeks since I lost George, I seem to have accumulated loads of paperwork including 3 companies to deal with, the heating has stopped working downstairs and I need to get a smaller car to make it more affordable. My laptop stopped working the day after George died. I am using his which no one was allowed to touch but needs must. I feel so overwhelmed, but just keep asking him questions and hope that he will guide me. I never checked our finances and now I am also trying to work out what we pay out each month and to who? Baby steps is all we can take and hope we get more confidence as we go along xx

I think you have done amazing driving to Spain. Your husband Dave would certainly be so proud of you. Well done. Cx

Sorry for your loss. Totally agree. We can only do our best. It is overwhelming. My husband John passed away in April and I am still struggling to deal with paperwork.
Just keep faith you we will get there. xx

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