Oh gosh Deborah you have really been through the wars over the last few years. I’m sure it made you and your Mum even closer. and I’m certain she is proud of you for being the daughter you are. I think Bushey Heath is Hertfordshire, not Hampshire,? Although Geography is not my strong suit! I’m a social worker for Children’s Services. Can be tough some days. Especially when families you are trying to support shout and abuse you. However, the career chose me so I keep going. For every criticism I receive many many positive outcomes and a few thank yous. My brother in law is a Headteacher and one of my closest friends is also a teacher. Very stressful job but I guess you miss it in many ways. I’m hoping in time I feel more positive about life and stop feeling so sad. I’m normally such a positive joyful person but losing my Mum has taken much of that away from me. My Mum was also a really joyful and talkative person who everybody loved . She was and still is, a brummie. Growing up in the south of England we used to chuckle when she tried to tell us off for being naughty as the accent would really come out! Happy memories. Keep in touch means a lot to talk to you. X
Hi Deborah
Yep I have the whole house to tackle when I come back. So much sorting. … 47 years worth and I’m not looking forward to it as it will be hard work but especially from an emotional point of view. I just hope I can hold it together and that it’s won’t be too soul destroying. I can also imagine mum saying "just dump that"lol.
I think another layer of my grief will be peeled back and exposed when I go back to Gloucester.
Obviously mum had much less stuff here mainly clothes etc than in her home but it’s bad enough here…
I’m also keeping a lot of mum’s clothes to wear. She lost so much weight in the last 2 years bless her.
Apparently not all insurers insure unoccupied properties. Mum’s didn’t so I’m getting a few quotes in. I can’t find a number for Saga. There are mainly online quotes but I like to speak to a human! Did you remember to inform them that the property is now unoccupied?
It’s awkward doing it from over here whilst trying to work etc. At least probate has gone through. Just waiting for the docs then a load more work to do. It’s good about the water rates isn’t it?
All this extra stress on top of what we are going through… it’s very good of you doing all the hard work on behalf of your siblings. It’s all so tiring.
Hope all goes well for you well at the cemetery. It can’t be easy for you at the moment, stay strong and take care.
K xxx
Hi Julest,
So sorry I got that one wrong about Bushey Heath lol Never mind.
Yes you have a tough job that’s for sure but rewarding i am sure.
Will be in touch again tom after my busy day sorting out all the family graves
Deborah x
Hi Kate,
I filled in all the forms for probate on line so I have sent all the documentation they asked for. what docs are you waiting for from them . A friend of mine has just gone through probate and she filled in the forms like I did then after 12 weeks she had a letter saying all ok and that was it. Have you heard anything from them after you completed the forms. I had a water bill so phoned them and they told me i didnt have to pay so that was a bonus i wasn’t expecting. I will look up my saga things tom and find you the number. Yes i phoned them and spoke to them and said the house is unoccupied but that I was going there once a week to check on everything Do you have anyone that checks the house for you? They may ask you that.They said that they would look at the policy and see whether i had to pay any extra as the property was empty but I had a letter saying no change. Agree its so emotional seeing mums life all wrapped up like it is with phone calls and letters all to do with her lovely home. I am not selling mums house just yet. I still need somewhere to go. How long I can keep it is another matter though and depends on bills etc and my brother and sister agreeing . Again so stressful.
Will message tom night when i come back home
Deborah x
Hi Deborah
Yes same for me, I filled in forms online then waited. After approximately 8 weeks - last week - they emailed me to say that probate had been granted and the grant will be in post in approximately 10 days. Of course its got to get to Italy though…lol!
Thanks re insurance number. Yes my aunt goes to check every couple of weeks or so.
Good luck for today and speak soon.
K xx
Hi Kate and Deborah. That’s a lovely idea Kate, to put last years Mother’s Day cards up. It feels right doesn’t it to mark the day somehow. After all, we still have our mums in our lives, just not physically here with us. It’s whatever feels right. I’ll probably go for a long walk. My sister is going to see my dad on Sunday and take her grandchildren, dads great grandchildren, so it will just be me and Tom and Stella 
I feel okayish about Mother’s Day because I couldn’t feel any worse right now. So nothing makes this harder.
I’ve been over analysing everything. Too much. Had a go at my poor husband before his night out saying ‘you will never love me as much as my mum, etc!’ Totally irrational and unlike me. He felt so guilty going out seeing his friends I probably spoiled the night for him. He’s actually been such a love and strength to me. He’s been wonderful. It was his first night out in months. Poor guy. When I feel angry, he does get the blunt end of it. Honestly, I’ve been an absolute b***h at times. He’s so patient and non judgemental. I’m lucky. He knows it’s the grief though, but I feel so awful for being like that. It was worse in those very early days but the grief monster was out again the other night
Anyway, the last couple of days have been better. I am finding I cry less these days and I can think of other things for longer. I think mum is always there subconsciously anyway, and always will be, but I can channel my mind to focus on something else now for a while.
Deborah, I hope you managed the visit to the graveyard. I’m sorry people seem to lack much empathy and understanding of your grief. Everyone had a different relationship with your mum. You had such a connection with her, strengthened by the things you went through together like your cancer diagnosis. You must have been such a strength to each other. For you, and Kate too, your life revolved around her, making decisions with her in mind, caring for her, thinking of her needs etc. the loss and life change is massive. So no, a couple of months won’t see you ‘get over’ it and move on. People should respect other people’s grief and your feelings are totally valid. It seems you and Kate have the sole responsibility of sorting everything out; the legal official stuff and the personal stuff too.
Kate, it will be so emotional for you going back to your mum’s house. All the memories will come flooding back. Happy as well as sad, no doubt. It will be so hard and you have to sort it alone.
Deborah and Kate, in a year or two you will look back and wonder how on earth you dealt with all this and managed to sort everything. It’s a huge task at the worst time of your lives. I don’t have all that to deal with but I do have the constant worry of my dad and seeing him so sad just breaks my heart. I’ve told dad he has to live until he’s at least 120 as I can’t go through this again! I try not to think about it but I am all too aware that this is only round 1.
Anyway, I’ll end on a positive note. Day off work today. It looks like a lovely day today weather-wise. I’m off for my swim then will take full advantage of the sunshine later and get out in nature. I’ve cut out some dress patterns for my granddaughters so hoping to get into that again later and if I’m still okay we are going out for tea tonight. Some little bits of joy to be had today. Look after yourselves and your hearts 
We are in this together. Lots of love and thoughts to you both. Hxxx
Thanks webplodder, my husband tells me this. He has suffered multiple losses and says it gets easier. I believe him, but who knows when. I think the grieving process is a strange thing. It isn’t linear. You can be doing okay one day and thinking ‘oh, I’ve moved past the anger stage’ or whatever, then bam! The next day you are at rock bottom again. It messes with your head too as when you do have a better day, in my case, I find myself telling mum I’m just as heartbroken. Just because I’m not crying as much doesn’t mean I don’t still miss her the same. It’s like I feel bad for feeling a bit better if that makes sense. I’m also finding grief is multi layered. You grieve the person you lost but also the loss of your identity as it was before, you miss the carefree person you once were,. In my case, I’m also missing my dad as he was before. I’ve never seen him cry before. He was always the joker, making us all laugh. That’s the dad I used to know and now that person has gone too. It’s a terrible thing but I will work through it. I’m determined to find joy again, one day! Xx
Hi Helen,
Oh I get you… I too am a miserable b***h at times. I lose my temper so quickly… a mixture of perimenopause and grief! Lovely! Valerio has been so good too, helping me around the house because sometimes I’m just so exhausted. Just doing household chores is too much some days, then having to see to Alex and oversee his homework etc.
Don’t feel bad, I’m sure Tom understands that this is the worst time of your life. It really is.
Sometimes I just feel like crawling up in a ball under the duvet, but then I hear mum telling me to carry on.
Alex says hes going to make a card in English for mum at school bless him. He made a little drawing of mum as the brightest star to put in her coffin too. That broke my heart. He’s been so good, in fact I’m going to get him a little gift for Mother’s Day instead of for mum (apart from her flowers) so that we can still honour her day. She would definitely approve of that. Nothing brought her more joy than letting her boy choose a gift, he was her world, so it seems fitting. I can almost hear her telling me to do so.
It’s been a hellish time for him too. Even though kids live in the present, a massive part of his daily life was suddenly ripped away.
I hope you have a good day love. It’s sunny here too, I feel more positive today so I’m going to try and get a bit of exercise after work. Tonight I’m seeing one of my English Uni friends who only lives about 30 minutes from me… We meet up a few times a year for a meal and a chinwag.
We have to try and grab at small moments of joy when we can to tide us over from one wave to the next don’t we? Our mums want that, we must never forget this.
Have a lovely day.
Lots of love, Kxxx
Hiya Helen and Kate ,
Well I survived !!! Just about !!!. I went to 3 graveyards withing 10 miles of each other and 8 graves. OMG it was hard though. I broke down at every churchyard but managed to put the flowers there and they looked so lovely I promised my mum ages ago before she was ill that after her days I would continue to do so to my dying day. I am so glad I was strong enough to do it today. when i went to each one I thought how much they had given me and moulded me into the person I am today. It was an absolute privilige to be honest to put flowers there for them. It felt so humble to just put flowers there for them instead of treating them to something fancy as they so deserved. My mum used to tell me stories of how poor they were and my God did today bring it all home to me . I owe them all so much for the woman I am today and I shall be forever grateful to them all for the part they played in my upbringing.
I then went briefly to my mums house and it felt so cosy. Nothing was usual or out of place and it was like she had popped into the other room. I called out Hi Mum it’s me as I entered and carried on as if she was there. It was the only way I could. I took everything out of her remaining wardrobe and we left so I feel I have emptied one bedroom now.
Now that I am home I haven’t started sorting the bag of things yet That is tomorrows job. Enough for one day. I can actually feel mum saying well done Debs.
Tomorrow my son comes home with his girlfriend so I am preparing for that they are staying 2 nights with us so I need to change into mum node if you now what I mean. No one deserves to see a morbid mum even though I know he knows how I feel. I have been food shopping and bought lovely things to cook and eat Its the first time I have been food shopping since last Oct so I felt a little shaky to be honest but got through it rather quickly. Bought a bottle of wine and my God did it taste lovely tonight i don’t drink very often but tonight the wine was fab.
Next week I shall go back to mums for a few nights and carry on with sorting things . Hope to do another bedroom by end of next week. Setting myself realistic targets.
Got mums ashes here with me and honestly i can say its the best thing. I feel she is with me and its so comforting even though she would not agree at all.
I hope you are both ok. Thank you for always being there for me . I don’ know what I would do without you both
Love
Deborah x
Hi Julest
Happy birthday but think I have missed it . How are doing ?
Have had a stressful day putting flowers on family graves because of mothers day but never mind its done now.
Collected a few things from my mums house also so that was emotional so tom I will sort them . All very emotional.
Am hibernating for Mothers Day Its also my birthday on Sunday so a double whammy.
My son is coming home tom so cant wait .It is the only thing that keeps me going at the moment
Let me know how you are getting on
Deborah x
Hi Kate, how good to have a friend from uni so close. What are the chances?! Hope you had a lovely evening. I think one of the things to come from losing mum is how much more I value my friends/family. I feel like I did before but now it’s a different level. Especially those that have been such a good listening ear and have shown genuine love and concern. You see how important people are to you in these moments.
I was wondering how Alex is taking it all. He was old enough to have built a very strong bond with his granny. Her living with you, even more so. She was a huge part of his everyday life; a member of his immediate family/household. That’s so lovey that he’s made some homemade things for her. It’s good that he is able to express himself and I’m sure your mum is talked about a lot. Talking about our mums is not only keeping them alive in a sense but also allows us all to express how we feel. It’s so important. Sounds like you’re doing a great job, mama. I’d love to still have a 10 year old. It’s a lovely age. They are their own person but also still very needy and still give cuddles. Your mum had to wait a bit for a grandchild. I bet she could hardly contain herself when you told her you were expecting! What joy!
When I go to my dads I do mention mum every time but judge how my dad is as he’s not good at the moment so usually just nods his head or gives one word answers so I divert the conversation to something else then. I hope in time he can open up a bit more but I don’t push it with him. We will all need to have a conversation about the get together to celebrate mum and her wonderful life. Also what to do with her ashes. I mentioned it to my older sister and she just said ‘yes, but there’s no rush’ she’s right. The good thing about direct cremation is doing things like that when it feels right. Thanks mum
Glad our spirits are up at the moment. Like you say, we have to try and make the most of it until the next wave hits. Lots of love to you Hxxx
Hi Deborah, well done. I didn’t realise you had 4 cemeteries to visit. You sound like a lovely person, fulfilling your promise to mum but also such gratitude for your relatives who’ve passed on. I’m the same. I’m very proud of my ancestors. Luckily mum and dad have blessed us with lots of stories of them; how hard they worked, the strong women etc. In fact, it was only yesterday my dad told me his grandad used to paint the sign writing and pictures on the ice cream carts for Mr Savori when he first set up his ice cream business here! I too feel a strong connection to all my family who have passed on. I’m proud and also grateful to them.
I want to do things my mum did. I’m going to the Manchester City games. I feel I have to for her as she can’t do that anymore and it was her passion. I feel so close to her at the stadium. It’s a comfort isn’t it, doing things for our mums? I think it’s a way of still doing ‘daughter’ things. It’s hard when you are still very much a daughter but cannot physically do much. Anything we can do for mum is a comfort.
You did so well and it was good that you knew when you’d done enough. It’s sometimes hard to stop when you are in the mindset but it’s important to just do small chunks at a time.
It will be lovely to have your son and his girlfriend. You are definitely allowed to enjoy seeing them. Don’t feel guilty as I do sometimes. Enjoy their company with your mum who will be with you too. There’s plenty of time for tears. I’m so happy to hear you’re doing a bit more Deborah. It feels good and nothing will change how devastated we are to lose our mums but it means we are adjusting a bit and learning to live with the pain. Enjoy this precious time as much as you can. Lots of love to you. Hxxx
Hi Helen and Deborah
Yes it did me good to see my friend for a catch up. She’s been in Italy since 1995 too. Her dad in Uk had a mini stroke in January and isn’t in great health. She’s quite different to me in as much she considers herself more European than British as her mum’s Dutch. She says that once her parents have gone she probably won’t go back to Portsmouth… I on the other hand, do feel British and love my hometown, so I can’t imagine not going back, even though it will be tough without mum.
Yes Helen mum waited 75 years to be a granny. It was totally unexpected but a real gift to us both. I wish in a way that I’d had him when I was younger as it would have given mum more time with him, but the time wasn’t right and I was in a long-term relationship with another guy.
I’m just so grateful she had Alex for 10 years and he brought her so much joy. She lived into her 86th year thanks to him I’m sure.
You were a young mum Helen, but how lovely that your kids are now grown, independent and that you are a grandma too. I do envy you for that! How are your daughter and the new baby doing? What made your son choose to go teach in Barcelona? Sounds very exciting.
Deborah you are doing so well and did so much for your family members yesterday. Your mum would be so proud! Well done! I’m glad having your son home is bringing you such comfort. Enjoy these moments, your mum would be happy that you are finding some joy and pushing on.
Regarding the ashes, I agree, we don’t have to rush ourselves to do anything. There’s no timeline. At the moment, I’m finding that having mum home with me is a comfort as she’s so close. That’s what she wanted - to be close to us. She imagined that we would scatter her ashes in the garden, but the photo frame option is lovely too. I think she’d be happy with that.
Helen are you off to the stadium today? It’s so lovely that you have that place where you feel so close to your mum.
Wishing you both a great Saturday.
Love Kxxx
Hello Deborah,
Thank you very much for the birthday wishes. Was yesterday (St Patrick’s day) and was bittersweet. Trying to be happy and appreciate the friends and family who bought cards and pressies etc but was sad in side. My Mum always used to buy me a St Patrick’s Day card alongside my birthday card. She always put a 5.00 note in it for a Guiness or another drink. I chuckled at the memory as back at Swansea Uni I could buy myself a pint and my four housemates a pint of lager/cider. Seems like a lifetime ago in so many ways…. You sound extremely busy sorting everything out and in some ways is good reconnecting with your past. I’m sure your Mum is very proud. My Dad is also now in poor health and I’m thinking the worst already. I feel I’m becoming obsessed with endings and death. I’ve become more fearful of losing my loved ones etc. I don’t want to be that miserable person but feel in morphing into somebody I don’t recognise anymore. I hope you manage to have a nice birthday and will be lovely to see your Son for the weekend. My youngest is nearly 12 ( I had her age 39) and she is experiencing her first crush ( he’s a maths genius - and she loves Maths and science ) so a lot of talk about this boy. It makes me smile and that life does indeed go on. She told me last night my face has changed since Grandma passed. I don’t smile as much and look sad. X
Hi Julest
Happy belated birthday wishes for yesterday.
It’s tough isn’t it? My birthday was 8 weeks after mum’s passing and it felt so surreal.
I too feel like I’m a different person. My 10 yr old is a great help, but he really misses his gran too.
I think our preoccupation with death is normal now,
and feeling so melancholic for so long in itself is weird for me.
I guess it’s all part of the journey. One day it will be much easier for us all.
Take care,
K xxx
Hi Helen and Kate,
Aw I would love to have a 10yr old all over again . Wish I could sprinkle magic dust over my 6ft 27yr old and shrink him lol. I loved having him little I was 38 when i had him so was an elderly mum. After trying for a baby for 7 yrs he was our miracle baby. There was no time to have any more and we felt so lucky to have one so we left it at that. No surprise we have spoiled him !!! but that is what we had him for . Make the most of every moment Kate as they are so precious.
Yes I managed to get round the 3 churches yesterday and collect more of mums things ready to sort here next week. I have to make a start so by doing it slowly and just bring a bag home every time I visit her house which is 30 miles away I will eventually get through one room then another.
So far I haven’t heard anything about Mother’s Day. Haven’t ventured out or switched the TV on. Hopefully I will escape it all.
Have as good a day as you can and will be in touch over the weekend
Deborah x
Hi Julest,
Yes I remember at the Student Union bar buying lager and lime for £1 maybe less and having wonderful times. Also memories of doing the Mumbles Run. Don’t know how I survived but I did. My son went to Swansea Uni also back in 2013 I think. He did TV Production . when I used to visit him gosh it brought back memories. However the in place was now Wind Street where all the students went.
After I left uni I had a flat in Mumbles and worked at the DVLA until I got my first teaching job in Pembrokeshire. They were happy days but I wanted to teach so much I eventually had to move away. This is where I have stayed ever since as I met my husband here.
Like you I went through a few weeks of feeling scared and worrying about other people dying and even myself passing if my cancer came back. Worrying got to me a lot. I suddenly realised that there was nothing I could do about it and that I had to live in the moment and live life to the full. I also went through a phase of just staying in bed, not washing or dressing and just feeling sorry for myself. Again it was my mum who really got me out of that as she never stayed in bed and even at 89 she had such a wonderful zest for life. When I thought about her it made me realise how cross she would be with me and I could almost hear her shouting get up to me. I have learnt so much from her like so many people on here. She was such an inspiration to me and I was always so proud to say she was my mum. When she was younger I remember her being so pretty and when she got older I remember her great strength and attitude to life in general and her willingness to have a go at anything. She was always game to go anywhere and she always pushed herself to the fullest. Theses are qualities that I really need to take forward in my own life.
How many children do you have ?
Aww I would love to have a 12 yr old again. Cherish every moment.
Keep in touch
Deborah x
Hi Julest, I can totally relate to everything you say about your dad and death. Since my mum died 9 weeks ago dad seems to have aged. He’s 79 but was always young for his age. It’s like he’s giving up. I couldn’t bear to lose him but my sister thinks he will decline quickly. It’s just so terrible. The life I knew just 3 months ago has changed so much, it’s hard to process. Mum died unexpectedly and the shock of that is enough but seeing how things have changed is difficult. I feel like I’ve lost my dad too in some ways, and a lot of myself. Grief does strange things to your mind. You try and make sense of things and process it but in a way you don’t normally think.
Yes, I’m fixated on death too. Who’s next? What’s the point? I’m terrified of losing my dad. It gets quite irrational at times and I have learnt to alter my train of thought. I think long term my fixation on death will ease and maybe a positive will come from it. I’m already thinking trivial things just don’t matter. I’m also thinking we must just do things we want to now before we run out of time. Go on that holiday, visit that friend, change jobs to be happier etc. my priorities have already changed.
Thinking of us all for tomorrow. Thinking of our lovely mums too. Always with us. Much love Helen xxx
Thinking of us all today and our wonderful mums, always with us. Keep busy and try and find some joy in the day. Lots of love, Helen xxx
Hi Deborah, first birthday without mum is a tough one. I’ll be thinking of you today. Lots of love Helen 