Dealing with the sudden loss of my Mum

Happy Mother’s Day to our :heart: beloved mums :heart: always in our hearts and thoughts and also to those of us who have the privilege of being a mum.:rainbow: :two_hearts:
Lots of love to all. Kate :rose::blossom::tulip::cherry_blossom:xxxx

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Happy Birthday Deborah :tulip::cherry_blossom:
It’s tough I know, but try to enjoy today with your family.
Thinking of you.
Love Kate xxx

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Hello all,
Well Mothers Day is here and it’s tough… Let’s hope we have the strength to get through the day. My daughter is making me fluffy pancakes from scratch ( she is 11 years old) for MD - I wanted to cancel the day to be honest but not fair on her . I’m still here. Happy Birthday Deborah - try to have a lovely day with your family / son. Hard as it is , we must remember how important we are and to somebody ( probably to many) we are the most important person in their lives. Is a privilege xx

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Hi Helen,Kate and Julest,
What a difficult day today has been.Will be so glad when it’s over. Haven’t done much and just want to be left alone so that’s what my family have done.I got up early and made a cooked dinner but couldn’t eat a thing I just dished out the food then went for a shower as an excuse to be on town out of the way. Then I took mum’s ashes and went for a drive to a beach that we used to go together and sat in the car looking at the sea I am going to head up to her house later and stay there for a few days I will probably offend my son and husband but I just want to be alone It is such an emotional day with remembering mother’s day in the past and what we did. Not opening a birthday card from mum today was simply awful but I kept telling myself that if she could have sent me one she would have. I am like all of you . I just feel so sad today
Deborah x

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Oh Deborah I’m so sorry it’s particularly difficult for you. It’s a shame you weren’t able to spend the time with your son but I think at the moment it’s just getting through however you can. Maybe next year will be more about you as a mum? We can start making new traditions. I was thinking it would be nice for me and my sisters to go out for a meal and lay some flowers somewhere for mum, somewhere she loved. Not necessarily the actual day but within Mother’s Day week. I felt like I just let the day pass this year. We will all be in a different place next year. I really hope now birthday/Mother’s Day is done with we can all look towards the next milestone. It might not feel like it, but just getting past these events is progress.
We are all hoping that we can forge some kind of normal life again. A different kind of normal. This grief is not a nice place to be. We must go through it and look for some light somewhere along the path.
Our mums are always our mums and we are always their daughters. Nothing will ever change that and nothing will change the love we have for them. We will feel that love for the rest of our lives. We will see our mums again Deborah. I know it. I wish I was closer to you so I could give you a great big hug. Sending you lots of love Helen xxx

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Hi Deborah
I’m so sorry yesterday was so hard, A double first in one day…no wonder you feel as you do.
I got through yesterday and a few people checked in on me from Uk. Alex made a lovely card for his gran and I put it up on the shelf next to her photo/ashes with flowers, I lit a candle and put out her card from last year.
This morning I noticed Alex’s card had fallen down onto the unit below. Maybe it was just a coincidence, but I saw it as a sign mum was thanking her boy for the beautiful card. :heart:
He made one for his dad too as it was father’s day here but that one didn’t fall down…
I hope you find comfort at your mum’s house.
Thinking of you, take care.
Love K xxx

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Hi Deborah, just checking in on you. Hope you’re doing okay love and getting some comfort at your mums house. Remember you aren’t alone. We are with you in our collective grief. Lots of love to you Hxxx

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Hi Helen and Kate,
Aww if you could see me now. I am crying reading your messages to me . I am so grateful to you for caring about me so much.
I spent 2 nights at mums house on my own. Her house was so lovely and tidy and I found it hard not seeing here there. Before that I drove to the beach with her ashes and kept talking to her . Must have stayed there for 2 hrs watching the tide come in like we used to do. Went to her house and sat in her chair as I couldn’t bear to see it empty. Watched TV then sorted her kitchen cupboard that still had half empty jars of food.
I thought maybe there would be a sign that night but nothing.
Yesterday I sorted another wardrobe of clothes and bagged everything up and brought them home with me today. My mums next door neighbour called in to see me and I just burst into tears. She was lovely though and understood.
Anyway today I came home and its ok my son is still here as he is working locally tom. He and my husband understand and haven’t mentioned anything about me driving off like I did.
I think I pretended to be ok but couldn’t keep doing that and it was best to just clear off somewhere.
Thank you for thinking about me.
Next year I think I will have to book to go away or something other than being home. maybe that will help.
Will write again tom
Deborah x

Hi Deborah
Aww you have had a very emotional few days. It is hard pretending everything is ok when we are sad and lost inside, but your family seem very understanding.
You are getting on well with sorting your mum’s house too.

I had the grant of probate come through the post yesterday so now more work to do especially difficult when my energy levels are so low.
Dreamt of mum happy and laughing last night, then of course I woke up feeling so sad.
I sometimes wish I could just stay in bed all day but there’s always so much to do so I can’t afford to.

Hope you’ve had a better day today.
Thinking of you.
K xxx

Hi Kate,
After they grant probate are there any other forms to fill in.
Yes so much to do. Woke up early this morning and am determined today to get on with the day. I am home alone at the moment. My son is working and my husband has to care for his 92 yr old mum who lives in a flat on her own 6 miles away from us.
I am going to keep my mums house for as long as possible approx until this time next year anyway then sell it . I have a brother and sister who have done nothing to help me so they can wait until I sort out everything in my own time before getting their share of everything. They live in London and Portsmouth so I know it’s difficult being so far away and to be honest they hardly saw my mum so I really want to sort her things on my own. Its just a personal thing.
Yes my family are wonderful. I was crying when my son came upstairs last night but he just understands.
08000512857 is the number for Saga. Apologies I forgot to send it to you.
I know the feeling of waking up sad. It hits me like a ton of bricks as they say. The heaviness in my heart is awful.
I am going to try to carry on today and hope you can as well
Deborah x

Hi Kate and Deborah, I’ve also had a weepy day today. I knew it would be a tough one this morning when I woke up. I just had that feeling in the pit of my stomach this morning and I knew. :smiling_face_with_tear: I could have easily stayed in bed as my day off work today but I made myself get up and went swimming. I’m just so sad all the time. Even when outwardly I appear okay, that deep sadness is always there. I still can’t believe my mum is gone. How can she just be gone!? My mum!?
I’m sorry Deborah to hear you have to sort it all yourself. Your brother and sister could at least arrange a date where you could all do it together. And you too Kate, having to deal with this as an only child. I honestly can’t imagine not being able to share the burden. My heart goes out to you both. You are doing such a great job, your mums will be so proud. They clearly raised wonderful daughters.
We keep muddling through this new life we find ourselves in, don’t we? We will get there. Sending you my love Hxxx

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Hi Helen and Deborah
I woke up sad today after dreaming of mum. She was cheerful and happy, just like just 3 weeks before she died when we spent a day at the seaside with friends at her favourite place. Soon after she started to get more breathless and then the gradual decline which I didn’t realise then would be the beginning of the end. :disappointed:
Helen I too can’t believe that she’s gone at times and if it wasn’t for this forum, I’d have nobody to really vent to, I feel the grief is all mine with no siblings. Mum would have turned 86 next Tuesday… another punch in the stomach. March is tough, but I knew it would be.

Deborah I’m not sure about next steps now. I guess settling bills, assets and any debts and in your case dividing the estate., then selling the property etc. So back in contact with all the utility companies again… British Gas are the worst!! I’m not in any rush to sell the house either. Thanks for the number.

I just feel so tired and drained today, grief is exhausting isn’t it?
Hope we all feel a bit better tomorrow. Take care both.
Much love, Kxxx

Hiya Helen and Kate,
Kate I have paid the bills as they have arrived after changing all bills over to my name as executor. I also had mum s money transferred over to me and opened a new account so I could send copies of everything to my sister and brother including the bank statements. I am doing everything myself and not involving a solicitor. After my 6 mths freebies are up for council tax etc I shall empty most of the house and put it up for sale. Hopefully I will have longer than 6 mths but can always use some of mums money to pay for the house bills until I sell it. The bank told me its usually after the house is sold that the money is shared but you as an only child will be different.
She had the most beautiful furniture and it was very modern so I am going to have as much of it as possible. Going to recycle as many items as I can and get rid of some of my old things.
Mum threw lots of things out a few years ago and bought new and totally revamped her house . She said that if she ever became housebound then at least she would have a lovely house. She loved having nice things around her and her lounge was all done out in duck egg blue and grey. She loved Laura Ashley and had the most beautiful bedroom in yellow and white So pretty.
I had completely redone her bedroom approx 6 weeks before she passed . We painted the walls lemon and got a new carpet in off white and moved her bed around with a new duvet and curtains .She loved in and I put twigs that lit up etc in the room also. She only slept in it for a week as then she went into hosp and when she came home we had a hosp bed downstairs for her. Such a shame she didnt use it more.
Helen I am like you I know instantly when I wake up if it is going to be a good or bad day. Today I was alone in the house for a few hours so had a bit of ME time. I managed to sort all the bags except one that I brought home from mums so am pleased with myself. I just have a huge problem in not having enough room for everything . I tried on all of mums clothes and almost all fitted me . She had wonderful taste in clothes and was so fashionable.There is so much more left in mums house. Goodness knows where I shall put everything.
I am feeling sad upset whatever the word is that I didn’t discuss dying with mum. I ask myself was she afraid? I know she wouldn’t have wanted to upset me and that there were times when she thanked me for everything i had done for her so maybe that was her way of saying goodbye I like to think it was.
Like you I used to spend hours at the beach or in the car by the beach as mum couldn’t walk far. My last trip was after an appointment at the hosp I had taken her to about a check up and we went to the beach and I took a flask of coffee and stopped at a bakery for a big fat cream cake for each of us. We had a lovely view that day as there were not many cars there. Little did I know then that would be our last trip.
I read an article today about people asking when will a person grieving be right and back to their normal selves again The answer was never and not to try. That we now become a totally different person starting a new life so no need to try to get back to normal again. Problem is I don’t know how to start a new life or even want to.
The past few days I have wanted to ask mum so have been upset about that. Just silly little things but it has affected me so much that she is not here to ask.
A strange thing happened when I was at mums yesterday When I was leaving a black cat walked up the path to her back door and started eating the plants so I went out with some mild As I did I noticed it was curled up on the mat outside mums back door It had a red collar on. Never seen it before. It moved as i opened the door drank the milk then went back to sit curled up on the mat and it started to rain . it made no attempt to shelter under heh garden table a few steps away. When i opened the door again to take things to the car it moved and walked halfway down the path but i forgot about it when i rearranged the bags in the car On returning to mums house it was again curled up on the mat. Anyway it moved when i put the key into the door and walked off. A few minutes later I took another load of things to the car and was ready to drive off when i suddenly wondered if I had locked the back door so I returned to check The cat was on the mat again. My mum had a black cat called Tom many years ago and it had a red collar. It died many many years ago. Was this a sign do you think?
Has anything like this happened to you ?
Hope you have better days tom
Deborah x

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Hi Deborah, I do think that black cat with the red collar was a sign. Your mum sent him to tell you she’s okay. My sister said we have to be open to the signs. When I went to the football stadium there was a stall selling scarves etc. amongst all the football paraphernalia were some tiny little enamelled badges. A Manchester City badge with a rainbow. Mum sent a rainbow about 5 minutes after she died and Manchester City were her great lifelong passion. I was so drawn to the badges as I’ve never seen them like that before. I bought me and my sisters one each. My sister said it was a sign from mum saying ‘hi, love’. You just have to be open to it. We don’t always get signs though so no worries if not but they will happen.
If I can reassure you Deborah? My mum knew she was dying. Even though it was totally unexpected she said ‘I’m not frightened’ I also have 10 years end of life nursing experience and the vast majority of people are very accepting of their imminent death. There is a certain calm acceptance when people are facing the end of their life. I’m sure your mum was like this too. All people want is love and your mum certainly had that, as did mine and Kates mums. Love is all that matters in the end. All our mums went on their next journey with an abundance of love :heart:
I’ve been looking up things about grief. I’m learning that it doesn’t go away. How can it? We will miss our mums forever, but we will learn to live with it. My friend at work who lost her mum some years ago said, she still misses her mum now, but you reach a point where you are at peace with it. Seems hard to imagine that right now, but people do get through this pain. I’m thinking of my grief as a wound on my heart. At the moment the wound is open and bleeds every so often. I’m expecting the wound to start healing and bleed less and close but there will always be a scar. That scar will sometimes open a bit. I feel this is how I will feel for the rest of my life. I am expecting it to get easier with time. My darling mum will be with me forever.
I’ve been rubbish at work today. I feel like my brain hasn’t been working as it should. It looks like we might have to make a decision soon about our beloved dog. She’s been getting worse on her legs but she has become unable to walk. Her tail still wags and she isn’t in any pain but she won’t be with us much longer. It’s breaking my heart :broken_heart:
Sending you lots of love Hxxx

Hi Deborah and Helen,
My, that black cat definitely sounds like a sign Deborah.
I haven’t really had any signs, but I do believe in them.
I also have been reading about grief and realise that it is a wound that will gradually heal over, but the scar will always be there, like you say Helen. grief feels like a cumbersome backpack we are carrying, at the moment it’s very heavy, but eventually it will seem less so although it will always be there on our backs…but we will become used to it. It will always be part of us.
I’ve been looking at photos and videos of mum on her birthday last year and the pain is unbearable.
Deborah, I also question whether mum felt she was dying , that her body was shutting down in those last days from a few things she said… about selling her house and also that she wouldn’t be here for much longer.
Of course I dismissed it and even said mum don’t go giving up the ghost…I didn’t want her to throw in the towel. Now I hate myself for that and I’m asking why I didn’t discuss her feelings, fears etc…why was I too busy with life to realise she was rapidly declining? We weren’t technically told mum was terminal like your mums, but I feel mum knew her time was limited. How could I not see that? It is so horrible to not have said goodbye, a last hug, kiss, meaningful conversation, I love you etc. I periodically go over this in my mind, and I know that it makes my suffering worse, but I still put myself through it.
Oh Helen, I’m so sorry about Stella. My first dog was 13 and had arthritis too and it was awful to see. As long as she’s not in pain she will be ok. Pets are like our children, so precious.
Valerio is playing football so Alex and I are watching the Euros qualifying match…and rooting for England of course! :wink:
Bye for now, lots of love.
Kxxx

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Hi Helen and Kate,
Kate when you mentioned all people want at the end is love you are so right. My mum was so lucky she had us and all her life she was surrounded by love from us. At her funeral we played The Greatest Gift is Love by Andrea Bocelli and his son and daughter. it was such a lovely song with beautiful words.
Your description of grief like a wound is so true also. At the moment I feel like I have a gaping bleeding wound that no plaster or bandage can cope with.
Yes the more I think about the cat the more I realise it was a sign from mum as she promised me she would send a sign to me. I believe in signs and have had many since mum passed and all to do with lights and light bulbs and electrical items not working due to bulbs eg the oven, a wax melt burner, trackers, ceiling light bulbs in many rooms etc.
Kate I said things like that to my mum also . I said mum you are fighting it and eating more and getting stronger. I did say all the things I wanted to say to her and she said some lovely things to me also but I still didnt mention dying and am beating myself up about it . I worry that she may have wanted to talk about it but didnt want to upset me. I always used to cry whenever she mentioned dying in the past and always told her I didnt want to talk about it and would deal with it when the time came.
During the week before she passed she did talk about her money , will and the house and I promised her I would sort everything out and make sure everything was done right and shared with my brother and sister. She was happy with all that. I also told her I wouldn’t sell the house for a while because i wanted to be able to go to the house for a few months. She was fine about that too. I tried so hard to talk to her about all that without crying as i felt she wanted to know.
I was with her at the end holding her hand constantly telling her I loved her so I know I am lucky that I was actually able to do that. It is so sad even writing about it.
Helen I am so sad about your little dog. I can understand how heartbreaking it is for you on top of everything else. Is she any better now?
We have never had pets other than a hamster. My son was so upset when it died that I couldn’t face getting another pet.
Big hugs to you both
Deborah x

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Hi Julest,
How are you ?
Did you enjoy the pancakes ?
Deborah x

Hi Kate and Deborah, oh how I’ve missed mum today. I miss her every single day of course but just feeling it a lot today. I’ve been weepy again. Seeing my poor dog who adored my mum and vice versa. We think we are going to have to get her put to sleep next week. I know mum would reassure me that it was the kindest thing but I just need mums wisdom and guidance. I’m trying to think what she would say/do but I just wish she was here so very much.
Kate, I know you struggle with not having known your mum was going to die and missing the opportunity to say things. I feel for you trying to process this. I can relate to not wanting to hear your mum talking about not having long left etc. of course you couldn’t talk about it. It’s too painful to even contemplate not having our mums one day. We put it out of our minds for a reason. That’s why it’s so shocking and devastating when it happens. We never wanted to believe it would. I remember mum saying the odd thing like that, long before she was ill. I remember her saying ‘me and your dad know we are reaching the end of our lives’. I dismissed it and even made a joke, putting my fingers in my ears and singing! We just can’t bear to hear those things. The way we couldn’t discuss it shows how much we loved them. Honestly, actions speak louder than words. Your mum knew you loved her. My sister keeps torturing herself because she gave mum some lorazepam. She keeps saying it speeded up her death and it was her fault she died so quickly. I’ve told her that’s not the case. Mum was getting agitated and needed that medication to settle her. She still has it coming into her head though like a nagging headache, no matter how much I reassure her she did the right thing. Grief messes with your head. Certain things become blown way out of proportion and you start blaming yourself for this, for that. Should have done that, shouldn’t have done this etc. it’s part of your mind trying to process the massive trauma. It’s still early days. We are still trying to get our head round it all. It’s understandable.
How hard is this girls!? It’s hell isn’t it? We just have to keep pushing through. Putting one foot in front of the other. I’ve got a terrible few days ahead of me with Stella. She’s not just a dog she’s a beloved family member and best friend for 10 years. She’s helped me so much especially when the kids left the country! I just feel like getting in bed and not getting out until it’s all over. Anyway, it’s because we love her so much.
I saw dad today. He said we can sort mums clothes out. He’s ready to start going through stuff. I want to make cushions and memory bears from all her clothes. I won’t waste any of them. I’ll make bunting with some too. I’ll use red/green clothes for Christmas bunting and paler pastel ones for Easter/summer. I’ll put them up and have some of mum around.
I can’t bear life without mum . I need her so much right now. I’m not doing too well at the moment. I’ll be okay but just have to let it take its course. I hope you are both okay and are feeling better. Deborah, I’m glad you are spending some time with your son. He sounds like a very caring young man. Have a good weekend. Sending lots of love Hxxx

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Hi Helen and Kate,
Aww Helen I really feel for you and your lovely dog. This is the last thing you need right now. Yes your mum would have cushioned the blow of all of this for you. This is exactly the problem. We now have to face all struggles in life without our mums and its unbearable. I can full understand how sad you are feeling .
Today I finished sorting the last bag of mums clothes that i brought back with me. There are still loads more left at her house. Doing it in small doses has helped me. My husband said he can’t believe how brave I have been but I don’t think I have been.
Tonight was a bit difficult. I was sorting a draw of my own things and came across a red notebook that I had when mum was in hospital. My son was working in Dubai at the time and wasn’t due back home for another two weeks so I decided to write down anything she mentioned about him so I could show him. OMG was it heartbreaking to read. I was in floods of tears. I am so glad i wrote the things down though. I may try to find out if they can be printed and a photo made f them or something like that.
I love the way Helen you are going to make bunting from your mums clothes. I am going to make something from my mums clothes also and bunting would be lovely I love that idea.
Yes I am very proud of my son. He had just started a job in Dubai and after 2 weeks I had to tell him about his nan. He was due to stay out there another 4 weeks but within 5 mins of telling him he packed his job in and had within an hour had booked a flight back home the following day so he could be with her. He stayed at the hospital with her all day every day until at least midnight each night. They were so close. He said he has no regrets about the job.
When you start doing your mums clothes just do a draw at a time then stop. Don’t be tempted to do more as it will really affect you maybe not that day but the next few days and you will have a massive setback. Just take your time.
Kate how are you doing today?
Will check on you both again tom night
Deborah x

Oh Helen I’m so sorry about Stella bless her.
I agree 100pc our pets are our lifelong companions and I’m so so sorry you have to go through this now.
I still remember when we lost Bella our Westie to a brain tumour in 1995. I was living in Windsor that year so luckily I could get back to mum’s quickly. Bella bought so much joy to mum and me and like you, when I left for uni she was such company for mum. We adored her.
I guess you are being guided by what the vet advises. It’s tragic, but we have to be strong and try to stop their suffering if possible. Sending you a massive hug.

Grief really does play with our mind you are right… we have to try to lessen our own suffering at this painful time. Replaying all the events leading up to the loss makes us suffer more and is futile, but as you say is a sort of coping mechanism I think.
That’s a lovely idea regarding your mum’s clothes Helen. I’m so glad your dad feels that he can do this now and you are lucky that you are a such a good seamstress.

No wonder you are feeling so low and weepy love.
I’d love to think Stella will pull through, but that may not be the case so don’t get your hopes up too much. I agree Deborah, our mums would cushion the blow of so much and be a dependable ear and source of wisdom. It’s so hard that we have lost that, but as you rightly say Helen, be guided by what your mum would have advised. I do this so much too.

This really is so hard. Sometimes I just feel like a little girl who wants her mummy. A year ago tomorrow mum was travelling to Italy for the final part of her journey, though we didn’t know it at the time. I remember feeling so grateful and contented when she arrived at the airport on that Saturday evening. I just knew we couldn’t be separated any more and that she had to stay with us, which luckily she did until the end. I am so grateful for that.
Deborah, your son sounds very mature and sensitive and was clearly very close to his gran. How lovely that he was so present in her final weeks.
Goodnight to you both, and speak tomorrow.
Lots of love and strength. K.xxx