I know that all of us will have asked these “Why” questions many times, and I know there are no answers to them and really it is pointless to have them. It just is what it is.
I really thought that I’d dealt with this sort of feeling way back 10+ years when my husband was diagnosed with an incurable cancer at 52. We lost so much then, our active hobbies, travel, had to remodel our business and lose our level of income etc. We had to recalibrate our life and change our expectations of our present and our future. We sort of got catapulted into old age way ahead of our time. But we managed, we adapted, we were a team dealing with it together. He (and we) rose to every extra health obstacle and extra restriction of the last decade. He spent the last few years in bed a lot.
But losing him has thrown me back there, to the why him, why us. Even right back to why weren’t we blessed with children. Why was our life so messed up. And now with an extra level of pain as I don’t have my team member to help me through this. His ongoing health challenges had made us very insular, making it even more difficult.
I guess it’s a classic… “if I was going into my future, I wouldn’t want to be starting from here…”
Anyone found a way to banish this stuff?
I feel the ‘Why?’ so acutely, and I don’t know the answer. Debs had just retired and we were looking at properties by the sea - mainly in Cromer, her favourite seaside place. She had been experiencing a lot of back pain during the covid lockdown period, and found GP appointments hard to get. Finally, they referred her to the Pain Clinic at the local hospital, but they then wrote and said, because of the lockdown backlog, the appointment would be delayed. Then Deb’s femur fractured. She had determinedly kept walking, convinced that she needed to fight the back pain and stay mobile, although she needed two walking sticks. She was taken to hospital, and, finally, after a year and a half of delays, came her diagnosis: Stage 4 cancer. Her dearest wish, to retire to the seaside, was snatched from her. ‘That’s gone now,’ she told me, bravely and matter of factly. And it broke my heart. It still breaks my heart to think of it. I suggested we moved any way, but she didn’t feel well enough. It IS unfair. I do hope you find help to banish, or at least manage, the thoughts of the unfairness of life and death. I shall study this thread to see what others have to say. My very best wishes to you.
I also suffer from the ‘why him?’ question. My husband always kept himself active and fit, didn’t smoke, didn’t drink much alcohol and ate healthy… he died at the age of 60 from a sudden heart attack. I feel awful saying this, but when I hear of much older people recovering from heart attacks, my first thought is ‘why didn’t he get another chance?’
You sound like you were an amazing partner to your husband, all of the things you had to go through. Some people would have just wilted. I went through a lot, too. I was a nurse so I had high expectations on myself to get him the best, lots of moves to get him to the good doctors/hospitals. I wish you peace.
@Sarie
Hi there Sarie,
I honestly don’t think any of us will ever banish the " why " thoughts from our minds.
I lost my beautiful Wife Anna to Cancer just over a year ago & the pain & loneliness is still as bad today as it was back then, maybe even worse.
She was only 51 years old so we had a good few years left together or so we thought. I was 4 years older than her so had just started considering what retirement might look like, she’d always said that when i retired she would too & we had all these chats about what we were going to do & where we were going to go, we both loved to travel so that was a major factor in our discussions. Then after a few weeks of her feeling unwell it all came crashing down & our lives were changed forever with her stage 4 diagnosis.
She went through all the treatment recommended & not once did she ever complain or say " why me ". We waited anxiously for her scan results after 16 weeks & the worst possible news came, it had spread to major organs & her spine, she knew then it was only a matter of time. I think somehow my mind refused to allow me to accept it & it was only a few weeks before she passed that it actually all became a reality. Ever since the day she passed last year I’ve repeatedly asked " Why " but knowing I’ll never get an answer doesn’t stop me from saying it.
Hopefully one day these thoughts of " Why " will dissipate but as of now they are stronger than ever.
I pray you will find some way of banishing your thoughts
