Dear God another day!!!

All the counciling tell us we will build a new normal around our pain. That has been in the future in my head but I’ve just realised this new normal is here now. I’m in it. It’s pain, heartache, tiredness, stress. It’s living because I have no choice not because I want to. It’s putting on a face for work, for shopping. It’s being strong for my daughter. It’s dealing with police and solicitors. But there’s nothing for me. I want to go to my son. I want to see him, talk with him, laugh like we used to. But this is it, this is my ‘new normal’. And it hurts like hell. Love and strength to all on here xx

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Hello Orchard
Personally i think “new normal” is a nonsensical term,thrown about by some counsellors/therapists and seen in many grief books.I think it’s one of those labels that is put out there for us to gain something from.It does nothing for me,
Grief and normal don’t seem to fit,different fits better for me,everything is different.For me it’s adapting or slowly trying to adjust to all the change,I don’t want to,and i struggle every day with it .Yes i agree it’s all those things you mention,hurt,so much deep pain,yearning ,but like you say it’s living,with no choice.I just keep searching each day to find that strength to keep going,some days i can’t find it and they are my darker days,i feel as long as i keep making some effort to try,then i am moving.
Hope you can keep finding your strength,love to you too xx

I don’t think it matters whether it’s called “new normal” or “new abnormal”, the important thing to recognise is that it’s transitory. Nothing stands still, it never did.
We aren’t going to sit on the same branch for long.
I completely agree with your analysis of What’s in a Day and how completely unpredictable each one is. I suppose that’s why we will never have a fixed position as all the variables seem to change daily and we lack the ability to control them.

I too realised that this is the new normal that is constantly referred to. 5 months in and when I look at my daughter’s photo she is as alive as she ever was, unyet she is not. I talk to her and feel she might reply, unyet I know she will not.
We cannot fix it. We just have to get used to it and I suspect this realisation is part of the ‘new normal’
You are right that we have no choice in our situation and I too feel that I don’t want to go on but have to for the sake of others.
Whatever we feel, when you think about it, it is still very early days considering what has happened. Yes, it is hell and we have never felt such pain in our lives, but we will survive. We have to but it will be a long long time yet until we get to a better place.
Sending you strength and hugs. X

Yes i suppose it’s just a label,does’nt really mean anything.Shame our emotions weren’t more transitory,sadness,pain,they stay.Feel like i’m at college again sometimes,only this lesson is how to live a fulfilling life while knowing a big part of that life is missing,while also carrying heavy weight of sadness around every minute of the day with you.Tough lesson.
Do you think you are more accepting to change now ,or were you always?
Just that i understand now going back,i was always resistant to it,i hated it,thought i could keep everything the same,if i have learnt nothing else i am now accepting of the small changes each day,i dont react,i accept.

Thank you Robina. Sometimes it helps just to say/write how we’re feeling and hear back that we’re not alone. Take care xx

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Thank you Matella. At our low times we just want to know someone understands and yet it’s so sad that they do. Take care xx

We all learn throughout our life but some people are much more receptive to it. I’m not just talking about formal, structured learning but more at an unconscious or subliminal level. Sometimes we go through the full “learning cycle” in that we stop and think about what happened, how it happened, why, etc. and then on to how would we do things differently next time. Maybe we don’t consciously set it out like that but we do often reflect on what goes wrong or what went right. I don’t think there’s any doubt that we are all doing this now as we seek to make some sense of things. We learn from our biographies.
I don’t think the things we are carrying around with us affect our learning but they do influence how we are processing experiences and coming up with viable alternatives.
I think I’ve always had to be receptive to change. My parents were in business and after living in Swaledale for 9 years I was plunged into a life of moving every three years, moving schools, losing friends, making friends, and all that entails at that age. Fortunately my family were a constant in all that.
As I worked in the field of learning and change management and have been subject to a constant flow of information and experience while studying full time for eight years it’s no great surprise that I’ve always been receptive to the idea of change. It’s caused a lot of problems in my life and initiated a lot of soul searching as I consider the big questions.
What am I doing now?
Why am I doing that?
What would I like to be doing now?
Why am I not doing that?

I really enjoyed my work. Too much some would say. Unfortunately it had some very bad side effects.

I remember many years ago that the word for “change” in Chinese also means “opportunity”.

I think your experience of change as being something to be resisted is very typical of many people I have come across, both in work and in life generally.

I’ve often been considered to be a bit odd. Why would anyone give up working at 52 and give up the chance of earning loads more money.
Life is like a series of T junctions. We turn right or left and then we come to another.
Going back to your question, I am probably less accepting of change now. Maybe it’s an age thing, but I do accept it will keep happening.

Thank you YorkshireLad,you have given me more to think about,i tend to think before i act,not sure whether that’s the best way always,hard habit to break for me as i have always been like that!
Whats your thoughts on affirmations,iv’e been saying one particular affirmation for weeks now,just that i read there is a part of the brain that doesn’t understand real from imaginary, believes what it is told,as long as it is repeated?

“Affirmation” ?

Hello Edwin
Im always willing to try something Edwin that may or may not help.An affirmation in the sense i mean is i repeat a statement to myself,that i perceive to be true but may not be strong enough to feel,hoping that my mind will overcome the negative feelings i have.It can lead to positive thought changes.
I suffered many years with panic disorder and anxiety ,before losing my husband,thought it would exacerbate my panics and anxiety,i was told about affirmations by a therapist .Sometimes if we tell ourselves positive thoughts we may come to believe them,like we do the negatives.
Im still working on it xx

I’m not really sure what to think about personality types nowadays but going back 40 years I was enthused by the idea and used it as a basis to discuss why some people had particular traits. I would usually introduce the subject by picking something that people could identify with, a car breaking down. Some people would jump out, open the bonnet and get stuck in and others would reach for the glove box and look for the car manual hoping to glean as much useful information as they could before thinking some more.
That’s a simplistic illustration of Type A and Type B personality types. It’s no surprise that thinking has moved on a bit more but the original distinctions still work for the majority of folk. We all think, we all have an internal dialogue, we all consider.
It may be that it holds us back. Think before you act seems like a good maxim to me. Maybe not over thinking though. I’ve been thinking about cleaning the bathroom. I need to move on with that.
I’m not sure what to say about affirmation, particularly in relation to reality. Whose reality. There are some pretty big questions there. Maybe we start with what is reality in terms of how our brain perceives it. Is it the same for you and me.
I’m presuming that by affirmations you are suggesting that you can convince the brain to believe something different to what it did previously. There’s plenty of examples in history where people have been manipulated in such a way they believe things that are markedly different to what they previously believed. I’ve absolutely no idea whether repeating affirmations to yourself could work in that way. I think I will remain a bit sceptical on that. There are techniques in therapy that could claim to achieve that. One of my daughters had therapy to “deal with” her fear of flying. She was desperate to succeed.

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Ha yes i’m definitely the one reading the car manual,but that way the car might take longer to fix,but with better results possibly!Like the hare and the tortoise, the tortoise takes longer but gets there in the end.Yes we all have our own thoughts,i often seem to ask questions that can’t really ever be answered,
Got to be worth a try ,so will keep on with my affirmation.
Yes same here iv’e been thinking for few days should hoover bedrooms,i am going to actually do that job now,had enough tea to float a boat,and give my thinking a rest for a while.Hope it was successful for your daughter x

Thank you for explaining, Robina.

What you describe sounds like a technique known as the Coué Method.

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Thank you Edwin I have just been reading what you suggested,I had never come across that before.Very interesting and yes it sounds like this man came up with the original idea.Using autosuggestion without any judgement attached,using the power of imagination.Says it was very successful claims 93% were helped.Well after reading that I think I will carry on with that technique,thanks Edwin xx

Your words resonate Orchard. I feel that term “New Normal” is vastly overused, and I take offense when people use it so freely. I also feel that my loss, the void, the daily struggle to be “okay” and put on a false face for work and for others, this is now my “normal.” The one person we need we can no longer have, and 8 months on, accepting that is something I can not come to terms with. Today I would be seeing or speaking to my sister, and often the phone calls would last for hours. I too want to laugh and talk with her, like we used to. But instead I sit alone, unmotivated to do much of anything. Yes Orchard, “It hurts like Hell.” My heart goes out to you Orchard, as you mourn the devastating loss of your child. But we can come here for support and caring in these darkest hours , and for that I am grateful to all of you on this forum. We can listen to each other, offering no platitudes,only assurance that we are not alone on this very isolating path of grief. Xxx Sister2

I think it really boils down to us having no choice but to get used to a situation we have no choice about.
A ‘friend’ (now in the departure lounge) told me that life is for living, life is a gift, and in light of losing my child I should make the most of it because I still have a life to live!
What some do not realise is that while parents should never have to see their child die and then spend the rest of their lives missing them, our real sadness is for our child’s suffering and loss of their future. We can never feel better for them and we can never fix it as parent’s feel they should be able to. As I said before in previous post we will survive, others do, but as parents I don’t know how we get our heads around this aspect before begin to think of ourselves living on. That’s what i feel when I face every new day.
Sorry, I have gone a bit off track and I should not speak for others.

So sorry did not mean to sound as if only parents suffer. My son is suffering dreadfully for losing his sister, so is her partner, friends, cousins, aunts and uncles.
I was only posting it from my point of view.
Oh dear grief can be selfish.
Love to you all in your suffering. At least we are not alone. X

I have spoken the very same words to people Matella. I’ve said there are two sides to my pain. One is me and the pain I feel missing my son. But that may change over time, although I doubt it very much. But the other side to this is the pain I feel for my son loosing his future. For the life he won’t live. And I can’t fix that or change it. And I haven’t read or heard many thoughts on that side of grief…

I don’t understand why people focus on us getting out, taking up interests, returning to interests, visiting friends; well lucky me! I couldn’t care less for me. I feel so sad that my precious child will never ever do any of these things again. If I ever manage to deal with those feelings then maybe I will be able to live forward with her safe in my heart.
Sorry for being so grumpy. I know this is a nightmare for us all. I just needed to put that into words.
With love xxx