Hi everyone. I’m new to this site but I’m in desperate need to hear from those that understand the unbearable pain I am going through and some understand if what I should do or feel or act.
I am a mother of 22 year old triplet boys. Conceived by a very hard struggle of ivf (to which I lost 18 implanted embryos until I finally got my three amazing boys.
It wasn’t always easy but they all grew up in a loving and secure environment.
A very long story short and 6 years of pain and heart ache, Olly is a paramedic, Louis is a very successful jeweller and sadly Wills turned to drugs. All three had the same schooling the same parenting the same food the same love everything …… so there’s nature and nurture 
.
We’d struggled especially the last 4 years with wills but I always had hope that he’d pull through and it was just a phase 
t 11pm on 2nd July he came home , we spoke briefly as I knew he’d been with people he should not have been and I didn’t want ti argue, so he went to the kitchen to eat and I went to bed, he seemed fine. I woke in the morning and went to his room and he wasn’t there which was unusual, so I went downstairs and saw his shoes in the porch. I looked at the closed kitchen door and new in my heart some how what lay behind.
I opened the door and he was face down in the dogs bed where he had fallen from the kitchen table. I tried to turn him over and he was clearly dead. Blue, cold and solid. I just stood there and said ‘and now your dead’ 
The house was turned into a crime scene and after an autopsy we now need to wait until December for an inquest to confirm how he died. I threw myself into organising an amazing funeral in the 7 weeks it took to release his body and he was buried on 21st of August with his brothers , cousins and dad and step dad carrying him into the church …. It was almost like planning a wedding x
Now the dust has settled and I am broken.
I have his ashes in my lounge with everyone telling me to put them away !!! Away where 
I’m sick of people telling me I have two other boys to live for …… I know that …… but the pain is unbearable and sometimes that’s hard to remember when you just want to be with the son you will never ever see again. Never miss, never cuddle never see grow with a family like his brothers.
And if one more person says ‘you will never be the same again after losing a child’ or ‘ the worst thing is losing a child’ I am going to scream …. Because unfortunately that is my reality …. But it helps me how ?
I feel like I’m going insane …. I’m having therapy, I can’t return to work because I’m not ready to face anyone. I’ve stopped drinking because I can’t trust myself not to do something stupid in my drunk darkest hour. Today was my worst day to date. Tried walking the dogs, hugged a tree and just cried for 4 hours uncontrollably. Then a panic attack of all panic attacks. Shaking and thought I was having a heart attack. My head is a mess I don’t know my arse from my head and I am trying my hardest to pull myself together !
How long will this last …… because I feel like I am going insane . I am just a shell of my normal outgoing happy self and I hate myself for not being able to pull myself together for everyone around me.
Help !!!
I lost my James, age 31 last year. It was sudden and unexpected. His loss is indescribable, i never knew that people could survive such pain.
Please don’t expect others to understand your grief, they mean well but this is a journey personal to you.
Feeling stuck in this moment and unable to move on is not madness, its a desperation to hold on to what we have lost.
Grief is a love that will remain with us. I mourn the loss of my beautiful James’s future, a life filled with chaos and clutter. These are the memories that will help you heal when thinking of your beautiful Will.
Loving them has never been easier and remember with a heartful of joy what joy Will brought to your life.
Much love, Laura xx
Hi Laura. Thank you. But remembering the good times and how loving and beautiful he was is just too much to think about at the moment. It’s a reminder of what I’ve lost xx
Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my gorgeous son Rich in May this year, the pain is torture and I still can’t believe that I will not be able to hold him again, the pain is so deep. I have found coming on this forum very helpful, especially when I am in a very dark place, to know that others understand, we are not on our own. I try and take one minute, one hour, one day at a time, there is nothing more we can do. My heart goes out to you, but I know for myself nothing will take the pain away, we have to go through it. I would encourage you to use all the tools available, bereavement forums such as this one, there is lots of reading material as well as meet up groups, I personally find it helpful talking with bereaved parents as they understand how I am feeling and what I’m going through. It’s finding what is helpful to you. I know this won’t take the pain away, nothing will, but even if it just makes life a little more bearable it may help. I hope your day is a little lighter than yesterday.
I am also new to this site and just read your story and cried as your story is so similar to mine .
I lost my 25year son last year in August 2024. He was my only child and he had been suffering with his mental health for many years and had started self medicating with various drugs to ease his pain. He too had a loving family and partner and we had tried so hard to get help for him but he would not attend his appointments.
He too had started mixing with friends that we knew were a bad influence but nothing would deter him . That night he went out with his so called friends and had to be assisted to bed by his partner as he had appeared to have been drinking. That dreadful morning I got a call from his partner who had found him dead in the spare room. It was also a crime scene and when we got to the house it was cordoned off by police and I was not allowed to see him for several hours What I saw will never be erased from my mind . My gorgeous son was cold and blue , face covered in vomit and skin mottled all over .
I lay on the bed and hugged him until I was told they had to take him.
The coroners report confirmed he had died of morphine poisoning and various other drugs, and there was no alcohol in his system.
The pain never goes away, I too have had suicidal thoughts and have been drinking to ease the pain, but nothing eases the pain , it only makes it worse. People say you have your memories but that does not take away the pain of having to never see your son again , never giving him a hug again, never celebrating birthdays, Christmas and happy times , if drugs had not got a grip of him.
I have good family support and grandchildren through my partner, which is probably the only reason I’m still here, but despite all of that there are days where I feel helpless and cry inconsolably for hours at a time .
You are not mad, you are sad, you are normal.
I too have my son’s ashes and a shrine which is our spare bedroom and I talk to him every day .
I was once in there crying and talking to him and when I looked down there was a feather by my feet . It gave me comfort as I have always believed in Angels, and I’m not a religious person. I also have seen signs that make me feel like he is still around me, like a robin that appears on my kitchen fence and looks through the window, and also a red admiral butterfly we see often in various places . We had a 1 year memorial in August on his favourite beach and as we read a poem and placed some flowers on the beach, a red admiral butterfly was hovering above us . These little signs give me hope that he is still around us in spirit and in our hearts.
These little signs are what keeps me going. And it’s true what you say, there is nothing worse than losing a child and you never get over it.
I hope with time you will find some peace and see signs that your boy is still around you in spirit and in your hearts.
Much love from another brokenhearted mum.
I lost my son on the 4th September, he was 34. He was my only child, he had mental health difficulties which led to a substance misuse disorder. I don’t know how I am going to live without him. If it was guaranteed that I will be with him when I die, I would take my own life in a heartbeat.
Hi Cat8
I’m guessing it was September gone, so very recent and raw. I’m so sorry you are going through this like all the other mums on here.
I had the same feeling that I could not go on without him, and it’s a very real feeling. I reached out and told everyone and had a lot of support from friends and family. That feeling will ease with time but it doesn’t stop you missing them and the pain of never seeing them again .
I hope you can reach out to someone who will help you through this and call someone for help if you continue to get suicidal thoughts.
My heart goes out to you, the pain of wishing you could have done more to help them , and feelings of guilt are overwhelming.
I did not seek help at the time, and a year in it’s still very raw. Keep reaching out to people for support and I’m glad you messaged me.
Keep strong, much love another broken hearted mum x
I can’t imagine how very hard it is for you.
Our daughter died suddenly in April this year and today, yet again, we met and told people who hadn’t heard. When they ( clearly shocked) said how sorry they were I said it was alright. Why did I say that?
Of course it wasn’t, isn’t and never will be and in, fairness, they said it wasn’t alright - I agreed.
And here I am, weeping with and for all the other parents who hurt as I do, forever. 
So I guess I’m saying you aren’t alone.