Death of a Mother

Hi All,

Really new to all of this. my mum passed away Thursday evening ( 21st Nov )
i havent seen her in around 10 years. She walked out 14 years ago. We had no relationship due to both of us being stubborn and all the lies she told. Always said nasty things to each other over the years. She never tried to each out to us to make up or anything, She had my sisters number for years and never reached out, she knows where my dad lives and never reached out. 2 months ago she messaged saying that she had cancer and that our dreams had come true. We would never ever wish that on anyone. She has lied so much in her pass about us and her we never believed her. She wasnt given us the full information about it and when we asked questions she would dodge the question. Told us she was going into a hospice, and then within 2 weeks she died. She didnt message us and say call me i am dying, she didnt tell us anything.

now she has gone i feel the most guilt i have ever felt, this pain is so so unsettled and i cant feel but feel so alone so ashamed and so guilty again that she passed with no children with her. She had her partner who she was so so happy with. i cant stop crying i cant eat i can only sleep for hours and know one i know friends wise have been through this.

Dear Siobhanie, please please do not put yourself through this torment, all of us must have some regret when those we love pass. I am convinced that one day we shall meet up with our loved ones who have gone before and all shall be well.

MaryL

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Hi Siobhanie,
I’m so sorry to hear your story.I know this is easy for me to say but you should not be putting yourself through the mill like that. Guilt is a horrible emotion and I think everyone suffers from it in varying amounts. Unfortunate part of life is that we cannot control the thoughts and feelings of others and that includes our own family. I’m not going to - I shouldn’t - go on about my sister on here but she failed in her relationship with mum a few years back and never managed to patch things up or even speak with mum. She is having a guilt problem now as it’s too late to resolve. I tried over the years myself to resolve their issues and failed and for that I feel sad and bad. I don’t blame anyone though, that would serve no purpose and I love my sister but never liked the way the realtionship ended up. I could become very angry about it to be honest but that’s not my overriding emotion. What you are going through now is really tough and my words are not going to take away the pain. Have you got other family around you? I do hope in time you can come to better peace with the situation as it was and talking to various people on these forums will help you get things off your chest. There are some lovely people here and I’ve found them to be a great help so far. I lost my mum coming up to 13 weeks ago and I’m still traumatised by it and the way it happened.
Shaun x

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Hi. Siobhanie. Yes indeed, welcome to the site where you will find a great bunch of folk willing to help and not judge or criticise you. It’s far far to early to try and comfort you with platitudes. The pain is too great for that. It often happens that guilt will come about because we feel we could have done better, and it may be that we could. But hindsight is all very well; we did what we thought right at the time, and by the sound of it you had your share of emotional upset.
Your mum, for reasons of her own, walked out on you all. It was her decision so you should try and stop blaming yourself. We can never fully get into the mind of another so you will never know her reasons. Many find it difficult to communicate. Others cut themselves off out of spite. We will never know.
You should try and realise we are all human with all the painful emotions that that entails. Ashamed? Was it your fault? Things happen in life over which we have little or no control. Beating yourself up won’t help one bit. Guilt can be a very corrosive emotion that eats into you causing further emotional problems. You were very wise to come on here. We all know and understand, only too well!
Please don’t try and ‘go it alone’. It’s not necessary when you can come here and talk. Later, you may want to see your GP or get some counselling, but give yourself time.
Blessings and take care.

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