My dad left me on my 4th birthday. No contact untill was 13 for 2 weeks on phone (90s before video calls) to meet in town he never shows. Then on my 34th birthday he passed away. So many questions from why he left all way up to his death how do you start to grieve or do this? Its like im constantly questioning everything about it. I dont celebrate bday anymore but if I do its day after as I cant do anything on my birthday due to him passing away and the feeling of sadness, anger, questions, love, hate its like every emotion I feel on that day
4 Likes
Hi @Lostinwalking,
Thank you for bravely reaching out. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad, and about the difficult relationship you had before he died. It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot of unanswered questions for a long time, and I can imagine this must be making your grief feel very complicated. After having no contact for years, hoping you might reconcile and then losing the opportunity for further answers must feel incredibly painful. It makes complete sense that your birthday is bringing up such a mixture of different emotions.
You are not alone. I’m not sure if you’ve read through our Losing a parent category. But there you can connect with other members who are living with grief after losing a parent, and some who are dealing with the complicated grief after a difficult relationship that you describe.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support to you. In the meantime, you might find these Sue Ryder resources helpful to read.
-
Our Losing a parent page talks through some of the emotions you may be experiencing
-
Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
-
Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through
I hope you find the community to be a support to you. Take good care and keep reaching out 
1 Like