My ex husband and I were together for 35 years, separated for 2 and divorced for 2 months and still close friends, then he died suddenly and unexpectedly on 28th August. I am still his next of kin according to the police and have assumed responsibility for arranging and paying for his funeral. He basically left behind a lot of unanswered questions and no money so it is all a huge mess. I am desperately sad because he was basically a good man with some faults which made it impossible for us to stay together but I loved him in a way and cannot believe he has gone. I’m going through the angry stage at the moment I think with occasional sobbing. His post mortem is tomorrow and I can’t do anything until I know what happened. It is so hard because I know so much that the children don’t so my grieving is different to theirs. My instant reaction is to move away, two of my daughters moved hundreds of miles away about 4 months ago and I was going to move nearer them anyway. My son is still local and I can’t broach the subject yet with him but I want a fresh new start, am I being selfish?
Also I am dreading the funeral I cannot bear the thought of everyone telling me how sorry they are and having to put on a brave face. I am not having a wake but the children want to go for a drink afterwards as he would have liked that but I don’t want to go, is that acceptable? I haven’t dared mention it as yet. I have terrible social anxiety and have never enjoyed groups of people.