My ex husband and I were together for 35 years, separated for 2 and divorced for 2 months and still close friends, then he died suddenly and unexpectedly on 28th August. I am still his next of kin according to the police and have assumed responsibility for arranging and paying for his funeral. He basically left behind a lot of unanswered questions and no money so it is all a huge mess. I am desperately sad because he was basically a good man with some faults which made it impossible for us to stay together but I loved him in a way and cannot believe he has gone. I’m going through the angry stage at the moment I think with occasional sobbing. His post mortem is tomorrow and I can’t do anything until I know what happened. It is so hard because I know so much that the children don’t so my grieving is different to theirs. My instant reaction is to move away, two of my daughters moved hundreds of miles away about 4 months ago and I was going to move nearer them anyway. My son is still local and I can’t broach the subject yet with him but I want a fresh new start, am I being selfish?
Also I am dreading the funeral I cannot bear the thought of everyone telling me how sorry they are and having to put on a brave face. I am not having a wake but the children want to go for a drink afterwards as he would have liked that but I don’t want to go, is that acceptable? I haven’t dared mention it as yet. I have terrible social anxiety and have never enjoyed groups of people.
Kim, you are very brave, that’s my first thought reading your post. My second is stop worrying about what right or wrong when someone dies, there isn’t any right or wrong and since the pandemic no one has any ides of what to expect at a funereal so do what’s right for you and your children. That’s my personal advice and thoughts and I know others will have theirs but you are the one paying.
Regarding moving, again the thing that is going to make you happy. Our children grow up and do their own thing, so you decide what is best for you.
I am afraid that you will need that brave face, I keep pulling my brave face out of my handbag and putting it on, it’s my savour and covers up a multitude of feelings that are my own. Keep it handy.
Look after yourself and listen to your inner voice. Take care. S xxx
So sorry for what happened and I don’t think you are being selfish at all after all you have gone through.
What I can’t understand is why you were told it is your responsibility to pay for the funeral when you were no longer legally married. Maybe you felt that you had to but that seems morally wrong when you were divorced. I am sorry if I sound like I am being selfish but you sound as though you have had enough anguish. Do what your heart tells you to but please don’t let anyone bully you into doing something you don’t want to. Love and thoughts x
I’m going through a very similar situation right now, I’m 35 years old and dealing with the sudden death of my husband who I was separated from for the last 3 years, as with yourself, I loved this man but the situation was too hard for us to be together. I felt I had to take on the responsibility of the funeral etc for the sake of our 2 young children. I’m with you completely on the feeling anger but sobbing uncontrollably, please know you are not alone and your grief is valid! It is such a difficult situation to comprehend, some days I feel guilty for grieving as we weren’t together and feel like other people will judge me for still being so upset about his death nearly 3 months on. As hard as it is, you need to live your life and feel happy, therefore any choices you make are for that reason and your children will understand that.
Thank you it’s nice to know someone else in my position who understands. I’ve decided to move away and try to start again. I feel that since I’ve been 18 I’ve been trying to keep everyone around me happy but now it’s my time to try and make some sort of life for myself.
