Death of Mum

Hi All, 10 weeks i lost my mother after a short illness with Renal failure. It has been really hard to accept that she is no longer with us. My dad has been distraught as he was 13 years older than mum and has a long history of heart problems, and he never though he would have gone before her.

I also have an older brother who lives with my dad. He is a divorcee and he doesnt seen to have any feelings at all. He seeems to be getting rid of everything that my mum was connected too, even rushing me to sort her clothes out and sort teh house out, which i dont feel i am ready to be dealing with.

I know that everyone deals with greif differently but i am worried that he is bullying my dad to making decisions that should have to wait, like changing the car after mum’s death of 10 weeks in my head is a bit too soon and i associate that car with my mum and having it no longer around is as if we are erasing everything that she was connected to.

Dear Saz1978,

Losing your mum is very hard, especially when you were close, and when it happens suddenly. Grieving is hard enough as it it, without havnig to deal with addituional stress. It sounds like you and your brother have diiferent ideas of dealing with your loss. From my own experience, I found that my sisters and I dealt with things differently then my brother and brother-in-laws when my mum died in the year after she had lost my dad. They just wanted to get on with things, but we needed more time. They had already chucked out some things that had sentimental value to us, and it upset us, but we were able to talk about it and they understood. They let us deal with the sorting out and just helped us when needed. After my dad had died, hardly anything had been changed in their (rented) appartment. We only took away all the stuff he had needed in the last week of his life, and we took his medicines back to the pharmacy, but all his clothes remained in the wardrobe and all his things just stayed as they had been until my mum was ready to let go of them. In the end, she passed away just after she had asked one of my sisters and myself to sort out the wardrobe with her and take dads clothes to a charity shop. From what I have read on here, people have different ways of dealing with belongings, and there is no right or wrong, as long as everyone involved can agree on it. Nobody should be pushed into hasty decisions they may later regret. Off course there are situations where there is a time limit, when a rented property needs to be vacated, but even then, some things can be stored in boxes to sort at a later stage. Do you know what your dad wants? I can imagine he may still be in shock and grieving so much that he finds it hard to know what he wants to do. Have you been able to talk with your brother about how you feel, or do you worry that it will make things worse? Is there a female relative you are close to, maybe a sister of your mum, or a good friend who you could talk to about how you feel and who could maybe help you to find the right way to help your dad and slow down your brother? Not sure if I have been helpful, but I wanted you to know that I read your post and am thinking of you. xx Jo

Hi saz1978 Im so sorry you lost your mum.Everyone does deal with things differently.My dad and I talk about our feelings but my brother is the opposite and doesn’t show any emotion.I lost my mum in February.It is so hard at the beginning.Is there any way you can tell him how you feel and that its too soon for you.Its been nearly 9 months and my dad hasn’t gotten rid of anything of my mother’s.I think it’s just too hard for him.Sorry I can’t help much.I just wanted to reach out.Hope things get better for you as much as they can.