Death of mum

Hello, I lost my dear mum in 2013 and feel i’m Not coping as well as I should be by now, I can’t let myself think about mum or look through her photos or possessions without breaking down, I still blame myself for not realising how poorly she was the night she died . Thanks for listening x

Hi Steph,

There’s no time limit on how long it takes you to feel differently, take as long as you need and be kind to yourself. The night my mum died, I wish I’d had picked up on a few signs (which seemed kind of normal, sleepy, a bit cold). You’re not to blame. It’s not our fault that our mum’s had poorly bodies. My mum was in a lot of pain, so I am truly glad that she is no longer in pain, despite all of the NHS failings, etc, that run through my head and make me feel guilty for not doing more.
Take care of yourself and remember that it’s ok to be sad. If anything, it goes to show just how much you loved her, which is lovely in itself, that you loved your mum and perhaps a testament to her nature or character. Every cloud has a silver lining. It’s ok not to be ready to look at photos or her things. Maybe looking through them with someone else might be easier. x

Hi Kimberley, thank you for your reply and kind words, some days are worse than others, I know I need to stop blaming myself as nothing will bring her back, I feel angry towards The gp that saw her the afternoon of the day she died, he did not spot sepsis was setting in, I told him mum was struggling to wee and he turned to me and said that’s my fault ??!!, god knows what that was about. I later hear one of the symptoms Of sepsis is being unable to wee. I had a complete breakdown after as I felt I was to blame, because her death was unexpected and I found her dead the following morning the police were called and I was questioned, totally destroyed me and I had to wait a week for coroners report. Thank you for listening, it’s so painful losing a mother isn’t it but when the circumstances are like this it only adds to your misery x

Oh Steph I’m so sorry to hear all of this. Firstly - and MOST importantly - it was NOT your fault. The GP is out of line saying that to you. The doctor also didn’t spot the sepsis with my mum. It’s soul-destroying when you place someone’s care with someone else, and you feel like they fail them, but you did the best you could at the time, so hold on to that. Your mum will know that too. I was there for my mum like no-one else was. I’m 100% sure my mum knows I did the best I could for her. I can understand how horrible it is having to wait for the coroner, I had the same experience. We were told we’d have to wait 10 weeks to get her cause of death. Mum died alone one evening, and her carer found her the next morning. The interview with the police sounds like a really really difficult experience, I’m sorry that was so hard on you. I get the impression that you were a bit part of your mum’s life. Something I said/say a lot was that " I looked after her in life, and I’ll look after her in death". It sounds like you did that too.

Losing a mother has been the single most painful, destroying event in my life so far. I feel guilty for not being there as she passed away, but I’ve come to convince myself it was actually for the best for a number of reasons, for my sake and also for hers. I hold on to the fact that I got to spend her last day with her, which I know she’d have loved, and actually I feel kind of “honoured” to have been the last person she saw. My mum’s death was also unexpected. I’ve come to look at it as a blessing - that I didn’t know I was saying good bye for the last time, because knowing might have been harder. I find peace in whatever I can, because like you say, losing a mother, painful enough, without all of the additional heartache of regrets, what-ifs, guilt and other sad feelings.

I shed tears when I look at photos of mum from my last few days with her. It’s devastating to know that I’ll never see her face again. If you have any happier photos of you with her, from when she wasn’t so poorly, maybe that’s a good place to start. I like those photos of me and mum, holidays or something silly.

Take care, be kind to yourself. Time is a great healer I hear people say. I find it hard looking at photos with Christmas coming up, maybe it will be easier to look at photos in the new year or spring? x

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