Delayed grief

Hi. I am really struggling a year after my dads passing. He was in renal failure for 30 years but suddenly died from a heart attack on the 6th December 2022. I am the oldest child of 4 girls (all grown adults) so all of the aftermath was left for me to do. This included calling the ambulance when we found him, organising the undertaker to pick him up, organise the funeral on my own. I am the one who has had to make sure my mum is ok, deal with her problems and finances, pick up the pieces of her behavior and grief. I have basically turned in to the parent and my mum the child. I have my own family and children to deal with and a full time job.

I have started to feel it all today. Im not even sure what has brought it on. I have been uncontrollably crying today and have felt every emotion i could feel today. I am so sad,angry, hurt, confused, exhausted all at once, and to be honest i have never experienced anything so overwhelming im my life. I am sad as of course i miss my dad terribly but i feel so angry that it is me that has to step up for everyone else.

Does anyone else have these same feelings?

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Some parts of your post really rang true for me.
I’m the baby of 7 (all of us grown up)
It was me who got the call from the hospital when my dad died, i had to tell my mum (and in turn the rest of my siblings/family) 5 weeks later it was me again who had the call from the hospital to say my mum was dying and me who had to tell the rest of the family. We did arrange both funerals as a family but it was me who spoke to the funeral home etc. I felt so aggrieved that as the baby I was having to do what i considered to be the job of the eldest child (when he couldn’t even put himself out to come to the funerals…) i think having to be the one to do all this impacts on how we grieve (my opinion only) i felt i couldn’t grieve my dad as i had to be strong for mum. After mum died, my shock and grief for her kind of drowned my dad out (my mum was never one to be upstaged ) its really only now at the anniversary of dads passing that i can feel my grief for him (although again there is the loooming shadow of mums anniversary coming up)
I understand how totally overwhelming it is to have this on your shoulders, and can only imagine how challenging you are now finding it when you are still the one holding the pieces together.
Sending you hugs and i guess lettjng you know you arent alone in your feelings
X

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Annie my dear, I know ware you are coming from, when my mum was ill she wanted to die at home, as the only one left I had to arrange everything, for a lot of the time I was struggling on my own and during her last 6 months as she battled dementia I got less sleep then a Battle of Britain spitfire pilot, and having issues my self, and sometimes having to cope with her palliative end of life as well(that was a steep learning curve) it was a question as to who was going to give out first, she died and I had deal with undertakers, the corona, lawyers(i sacked her for imcompetance) bent utility companies and arranged her funeral later with the ashes and more or less led the funeral myself, I had to do it all and considering I am under a mental health nurse for ptsd and depression and have hypertension as a result of prolonged stress, had 2 days in hospital with cellulitis in my left foot just before conducting my mothers service ware I did her a very detailed Eulogy that I had worked on for weeks.

Somehow, I found the physical strength and stamina to cope, I do not know ware from and I think it was adrenalin, considering I am a mental/ and partly physical wreck that is something I can be proud off, you do not know how strong you can be, until you have no alternative then to be strong,(I think of that tiny 100 ib girl in America who lifted a two ton car off her dad, she got a special humanity award from the fire service) and no one should be in the situation I was, certainly not for a close relative and without proper medical training but the country was at war with covid and there was no ware else to put my mother and I had to step up to the plate and do things that, even in war time, I should not have had to do, but she was the war time jeneration and grew up during the war and I have inherited her values and to do what is expected of me with out complaining, to get on with it and do my very best which is what I did, and what we all do, or most of us anyway, and I am sure you did, and you are know greaving which shows you must be a caring person or you would not be on this site, and grief can hit you later, and if and when it does you may well have a form of ptsd or something similar, you do not go through things like that without it chasnging you, no one does.

Talk if you wish too

Timxx

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Hi all,

I’m the youngest of three and have taken the lead. My two siblings weren’t forthcoming with offers of help, but I don’t know that I’d have trusted them to deliver the very best for my dad, anyway. My brother and I were the closest to my dad, but my brother’s not so dynamic, though he is caring and has a good heart.

It has been very difficult, and now that I have realised we need probate, I’m sure it will get more difficult. But my dad was strong, amazing, capable and competent, and someone needs to take the reins. My mum and brother are by my side, the whole time.

Just remember to make use of your support network. I was messaging my friend earlier and I told her that I’m not OK, and her words helped me. I think I need to stop pretending to be OK (apart from around my mum) and be honest when I need help and support, eg I’m going to ask our neighbours if they can recommend a probate solicitor.

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Its ok, to be not ok, and we all know ware you are coming from, in my mums case I did not have a support network to hand and after dealing with my mums dementia as her principle carer for 4 years having already had chronic fatigue, late onset asmer, learning difficulties, mental health problems, in short I was already damaged…and then had to cope with mum, and her palliative care, then undertakers, bent utility companies, lawyers who could not read a will(Threshers do it as a first term assignment for gods sake!!, I sacked her) then later arranged her funeral(my mum, not that lawyer bitch!!) with the Ashes in April , she passed early January, i was in no fit state and was and still am under a mental health nurse.

Yes, it IS ok to be not ok, everyone else dead I did the lot my self(more stress!!) now I live alone, going to wait a bit longer till I have pulled the house round, needs a bit of maintenance, atic door not opening, so cutting the lock with a hacksaw, then either get a pet, or go internet dating, I think the pet will be less stressful, anyone who thinks human relationships will be straight forward needs to wake up and smell the coffee, they will demand expensive holidays, a hot tub in the garage(might just go along with that one for a bit of naughty fun, turn the garage into a gym and use my old car as a leg press) spend time fixing clocks in my clockroom(smallest bedroom)
and a thousand and one jobs need doing so it stops me feeling sorry for myself and feeling depressed…but I am NOT ok, if I was I would not be under a mental health nurse and I would not on this site and so many of us are on antidepressants, and I might have to stop driving at night owing to desterbed vision in my left eye.

Tomorrow is christmas day, my first christmas without my mum(dad and twin bro departed a while ago and I am foolish enough to still be hear)plan is to go to sis in law near by and go with her to Niece (bro’s daughter) for chjristmas dinner and return home at night,THAT, will be my christmas, whats yours?, NOTHING will ever be the same again, me and mum used to go away at christmas and had some lovely times, ‘That was then, this is know, get on with it’ was an exprecian my late mum would often use.
Might invite sis in law for new years day, if she is interested.

I do not expect many of us will find joy this christmas, I pray you will find the next best thing, peace in your hearts and with each other, ware there is bitterness forgiveness, fear courage, discord harmony, grief acceptance, anger forbearance, and darkness light, and in the new year, we will struggle on to rebuild our lives.

Blessings to you all

Tim

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