So so sorry that today’s experience of visiting your lovely Bridget has left you extremely upset. This is very hard to accept. It’s allowing others to care for the person both physically and mentally and probably at a level far greater than anyone has ever needed to do previously. There comes the attachment because the carers, nursing assistants and nurses have to build up trust to get compliance to allow bathing, personal care, assistance with dressing/eating to take place. There’s a lot of distraction too…it helps to avoid stressful situations.
Being on the outside is heartbreaking in normal circumstances…not being able to see for yourself how she accepts those providing her care leaves you very worried. Maybe the nurse could arrange for you to be provided with a daily diary so you have some insight to Bridget’s day and her interaction with staff. You only want the best for her. However, you also need to trust and somehow accept that this is the way it is…it is you that is grieving for your relationship and the life you had together. I offer you my understanding of your situation…absolute hell on earth. You’re still her husband so take care of you, just like she did, kindest wishes, x
Hello Peter, I understand that you are feeling upset and jealous of the affection shown to Bridget by her carer. It will bring back all kinds of memories from your past and will also give you the realisation that she needs someone other than you to care for her. She was obviously not distressed by it and it is a good thing that that care home staff have built up such trust with her.
I know it is not what you want right now as your mind is in such turmoil. It is the best for Bridget that she is being cared for and everyone showing care and love for her is what both you and the staff are doing. Do you really think that she would rather be in that home instead of with you if she had a choice. You can never have too much love in this world Peter, usually it is sadly lacking. Be happy for her and realise that you are still the number one love of her life and always will be. The staff are just doing a job and trying to keep her calm and happy on your behalf.
Love to you Peter. X
I thought what might be a good idea is to transfer all the pictures of Bridget over the years from my PC stuck in a bedroom onto my iPad. So I’ve been going through, painfully, each year separating her picture into a separate file.
You can imagine the distress this is causing but somehow I can’t stop. I somehow owe it to her to be resilient and a little brave because I’m the keeper of the memories now and responsible even though she’ll never remember any. Each picture reminds me of my Bridget when she was bright , alert, full of life and energy enjoying our life and the children. She so loved the children.
So when it’s done I’ll have all the photos to hand on my iPad.
The photos in the albums on the shelves I can’t go near. That’s too painful.
Peter
I’m off to the home this afternoon so I’ll probably be a miserable mess as usual when I walk back to the car.
My fellow posters, I’ll tell you this. Sometimes when I’m at my lowest I just wish it was all over. I’m dreading that phone call to say she’s very ill or has died. Got to happen sometime unless I die first from an unexpected accident or something ( I’m generally fit) . I’m just treading water really. Bridget doesn’t know me and if I didn’t go anymore I suspect she wouldn’t remember. It’s a one way relationship. I think like this everyday and then I lurch from one emotion to another. Covid has made matters worse of course because of the isolation we all face.
Hi Peter, You are doing a wonderful job keeping going in the circumstances. Bridget will still benefit from your visits even though you think she doesn’t recognise you. What part of Devon do you live in? It is a lovely place to live and the better weather may give you the chance of some nice walks if you are near the coast. Just keep going one day at a time. Emotions do change and we are all here to help each other. Love to you Peter. X
It’s only a moment ago but i can’t seem to see much point in doing anything. I view the world as pointless really when i can’t share it with my Bridget. i suppose seeing all the photos of her healthy and vibrant hasn’t helped. There’s a big hole in my life that i’ll never fill and being this miserable day after day is very wearing.
And no matter what anyone says all this grief and misery has to be done on my own. There’s also an undercurrent i feel from family, staff at the home, those that know Bridget of a knowing silence that says “ we can’t or won’t say anything because she is dying and it’s terrible and we don’t want to say the obvious “. So i drift each day, coming onto the Forum ,writing my thoughts and emptying my emotions to make some sense of it all. I mean, i’ve never in my life been so unhappy and cried so much. I’ve never needed to as Bridget and me had a happy life with no need to feel sad about much.
Im encouraged to do stuff, to divert my feelings to somewhere else. But i’m directionless really just ticking off the hours till sleep. I know there are many, many of us going through these terrible times and if it wasn’t for places like this Forum, well, i don’t know what i would have done
A bad day all round. My daughter last night said Dad you need to give yourself a break from this. Easier said than done.
Peter
I’ve read your posts and people’s replies here, I’m glad you’ve come to express your frustration and daily struggles here. I can feel your enormous love for your wife after everything you’ve done and are still going through.
I don’t know how long it will take for us to be able to look at our loved ones’ pictures without breaking our hearts, please take all the time you need for the album. Before moving, when i was packing the stuff in my old apartment, sometimes i felt like fainting or out of breath, pls be kind to yourself.
I don’t about any of you but at the moment i’m feeling a distinct melancholy and lethargy in just being me. i woke up this morning almost ok, went for a walk and i’ve had a decent meal. So far so good. But i’ve a feeling that i’m wasting away with a life of very little purpose. If you factor in Covid as well and this forced isolation then its increasing everyone’s weariness. I’m encouraged to join a regular Zoom meeting tonight with our local church group but i just haven’t got the enthusiasm for it.
i’ve phoned the home and i’m told that Bridget is fine ( they mostly say that) and thank goodness she’s warm, fed and as content as she could be. So why am i not content also? Perhaps she’s fortunate in some respects that she knows nothing of any of this awfulness we’re going through. If we were together now normally at least we’d be geeing each other up, complaining together, bored together, normal together stuff.
So another day goes past with me moaning on the Forum. Sorry guys. I just say how i feel at the time as i find it helps to unload .
Hi. Peter.
It is good you post. I have read all, actually i was thinking that if Bridget could read your messages she will be extremely happy of be your wife.
As you feel today many of us feel. It is like we lost the purpose of our life. I feel often as you feel buf i am following the advise " just hold there day by day".
I’m doing something now which is really upsetting but it’s a bit like a drug that i can’t stop taking. I’m looking at photos of Bridget that I’ve taken of her over the years. They are all dated . I’ve put them all on my ipad and if i go through them I can pretend that she is near me again as normal, as we were before dementia took her away from me. I wish I hadn’t now but i thought it would be a good thing.
I see her face, the expressions that she made we were together, I remember everyone of the pictures and where we were. She is so normal in them, just enjoying a moment in time and for a little while i can have her back as she was. She’s with me again as a couple and i can feel that I’m not alone anymore for a little while. I can almost hear her talking to me.
Am i going mad? Is it too much to ask that God gives her back to me ? It’s got me crying again so why do I do these things? I thought it would give me some comfort but it hasn’t.
When i see her picture i realise how cruel it is that dementia can do this to a person. But, of course , there is no rhyme or reason why bad things happen to good people. I don’t have any answers and no real way of getting out of this hole.
Peter, I think about you and Bridget a lot. I care and I am glad you keep posting. I really feel for you… hoping you can keep going hour by hour or minute by minute until you can enjoy the beautiful memories you and Bridget made with more peace in your heart.
It’s awful and I don’t know what to say to you other than I’m wishing you and Bridget the best and I admire all that you are doing and have done for your darling sweetheart. Take care of yourself Peter, everything feels pointless but maybe your story helps others, I just wish someone could help you and Bridget.
I’ve woke up this morning sad and numb. I’m struck by the thought of how terribly alone we all are with what we’re going through.
I’ll qualify that…I don’t mean that we’re short on support because on the Forum we all try to help the best we can and for that I say a huge thank you to all my friends I’ve made in my dementia journey. And I have family and a few good friends. But in the moments of agony, regrets and just plain gut twisted grief I find myself on my own. How could it be otherwise.
I’ve decided that I need to concentrate on getting through each emotional episode in the most practical way possible. I went to see Bridget yesterday and as usual I’m a mess of all different feelings. How long should I stay just looking at her through the window, how can I get closer to her, am I doing enough, etc? So what I need is a way to soften those feelings and comfort myself. After all there’s no one in the car with me to put their arm round me.
It’s plain and natural grief I know but I can’t come to terms with it. And there’s a natural process of just getting through each day, a bit of this and and that to fill the day. But instead doing it on my own.
Bless you all, Peter
I went to see Bridget today. It’s only for moments as it’s through the window, they first need to find her and when they do she really only attentive for a minute or so till she off again walking.
So she’s content I’m told which is something I suppose. So I go back to the car after seeing someone who has forgotten all the life we had and me. What a waste.
I can’t make sense of it, I really can’t. And when I try it just ties me in knots. There’s a barrier there, not only physical but emotionally as well that I’ll never break through even when I’m allowed in eventually. She looks like Bridget my wife but she could well be a stranger and the longer it goes on the more distant we’ll be from each other.
And this is on my mind each day. The problem with retirement is that no one demands my time so there’s no diversion. We were going to have all this time together until dementia killed that.
Goodnight Peter. I’m crying reading your post as I have with many here today. Sorry for you and everyone and myself and Bridget.
There is no sense to any of it. This price we’re all paying for our love. I’d still choose my husband again for what we had but it’s just so hard now.
I hope you can get some sleep. Goodnight everyone.
Yes, of course I’m happy that Bridge has a good home and that she’s well looked after. I had no choice when it happened back in 2019 and I was lucky that the available home turned out to be a good one.
I’m almost getting used to this being on my own now but that comes with its downside too. Because I’m only see her through the window 3 times a week at most for 5 minutes then I’m just someone who turns up now and again. Couple that with her dementia then there is no chance of any meaningful relationship so the bond has weakened considerably.
So I look at pictures of her and it’s almost like I’m looking at someone I used to know, a different life altogether. This is difficult to explain. It’s like when a loved one moves abroad for a long time with no end date ( say for work) and you keep in touch best you can, but life goes on and you get on with your life but the physical connection has gone. Now add on dementia and a complete forgetting of who you are and you only have your memories to both comfort and upset you, then it’s something like that.
My life was her and me, our lives were one another. And now she’s in a different world that I can’t visit. If I accept this situation and build a life of my own then I’m finally saying that I accept you are gone and I can’t do that.
Grief messes with your mind because it takes you out of normality and dumps you in world you never wanted
Hi there. I wake every day and realise that it’s just me again. Same old routine, and in these days of isolation very difficult to even muster enough enthusiasm to get out of bed.
Its becoming the norm ( how could it be any different?) that I’m getting used to being on my own and Bridget is becoming more and more distant from me.
Ive just returned from a visit to the home and she looks at me and looks but with little sign of any recognition. So I stand there like a fool seeing her through the window hoping that she’ll show me something I can hang onto. But there’s nothing and she returns to looking somewhere else. So I go home and the one way relationship continues.
There is supposedly some comfort in all this. The more I get used to my single life the less of a wrench it will be when she finally goes ( that’s what I’m told anyway but I’m not convinced).
My counsellor today asked what would you say to someone like yourself. It’s impossible really because no one can feel what I feel. They may really appreciate what I’m feeling but never have the actual memories. The closest we can get is our Forum and that’s why we are so important to each other.
Bless you all, Peter
Hello Peter. I feel so sad for you and that Bridget doesn’t recognise you any more. It is a hard journey for you, yet I would give anything to be able to look into my beloved husband’s eyes once more whether or not he could recognise me. I know it is hard for you but try to cherish what you have left. it is more precious than you know. Love and light…x
Hey ho. I’ve managed to get to another Friday night. The weekends are pretty meaninglessness now i don’t share them with Bridget. Even being retired the weekends promised something different to do.
There’s a dearth of books out there addressing our problems associated with dementia and long goodbyes. Plenty to do with death grief but not anticipate/ ambiguous grief that is equally hard to cope with. My counsellor suggested someone like myself or my friends on the Forum write one but where to start? But I do believe it would incredibly useful but it’s having the skills to do what we have all experienced justice.
I keep searching but nothing has been quite what I’m looking for.
I’ll do my best to cherish the time we have left together. Who knows with dementia, could go on for years or not. The uncertainty is upsetting at times.
I’ll probably be writing something over the weekend. Take good care and be gentle with your sadness
Bridget’s had another fall. This time she went into someone else’s bedroom, startled the man and she was startled and fell backwards. They’ve checked her and she’s ok. The man is complaining that she shouldn’t go in his bedroom. They’re going to try to deter her from going into other rooms. Good luck with that!!
She likes to wander and meet people. In one way that’s good but it increases the chances of falling.
I was ok today, now I’m not. I worry about her all the time although it’s someone else’s job to look after her now. But it highlights the fact that I can’t personally care and protect her anymore and I’ve handed it to others. And it highlights that she’s in another world and I can’t control anything.
I dread these phone calls. One day it’s going to be really serious and I’m not sure what’ll do.
Every day it’s almost like I’m being tested. It relentless this thinking “is today going to be ok or will something happen to upset me “ . A comfort , if there’s one, is that she probably won’t remember she fell.
I sit here and remember the day she left me for good, just got in a car and was taken away. She seemed so trusting that day. I felt such a traitor arranging it all behind her back and now I know I couldn’t have gone on any longer than I did. But it breaks my heart thinking about it. I go for periods when I’m ok and then something like this fall sets me off again and I’m a crying mess. I hate crying. I think I’m over crying and then the memories flood back and off I go again.
My poor Bridget, I can’t be in the home with you, to help you and care for you.