Devastated By Sudden loss

My lifelong partner went out 5 weeks ago , less than three and a half hours later he was dead. He’d been fit and healthy, hadn’t been to a doctors in over 20 years, how could this happen ?
After 2 very difficult years of family problems we were finally looking forward to enjoying our retirement together.
We should have been celebrating his 70th birthday this year, 30 years in our home, and 47 years together. Now everything has gone - his life, my life, our lives together.
I just want him back, I want our life back all the niggly , jokey, bickery, everyday routines
that we’d built up over the years, the walks, the picnics, the meals.
I have 47 years of memories which makes me luckier than many but he has been cheated out of the lovely years ahead and so have I.
We both wanted to grow old together to help and support each other as we’ve always done, together we could cope with whatever came along. Alone I don’t want to.
I don’t want to spend the next 20- 30 years alone and I don’t want anyone to ever replace him. After a lifetime of shared history nobody could.
Each day is pointless , I get up go through the motions and can’t wait to go to bed.
I listen to endless overnight radio until I fall asleep.Then get up and do it all over again.

People keep saying - What a way to go. He wouldn’t have wanted to be ill for long. Things will get better. You’ll find something to do in time. What about going back to work? What about studying ?
I know they mean well and want to help but I’ve spent a lifetime working and studying, when I retired I wanted to spend time with my partner not start an endless round of pointless time filling activity.
I’m dreading the years ahead and apart from the effect on my family I wish we had both gone at the same time.

Hi Dalejackie

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your partner. All of us on this site can understand how you are feeling. You are still in shock as your life changed unexpectedly. I too experienced the same in October. My husband and I had been out and had a lovely day going to,the shops, having lunch and walking in the park. He went to sleep that night and didn’t wake up. We had been together for 40 years. We had been working up until that point ( never wanted to retire) but I was immediately forced into retirement. It’s now been six long months and although the trauma of those early days has wore off the pain, sadness and loneliness continues. It is particularly hard to realise that never again will you do the things you used to. Today is lovely and sunny we would have been out walking in the parks or going on a boat trip. I cannot motivate myself to do anything really. We spent all of our time together 24/7 and trying to fill the big gap is horrendous. Like you I have no interest in filling my time with pointless activities. You will see from others on this site that everyone seems to be doing the same, existing rather than living. Then we beat ourselves up thinking how lucky we are to still be alive and we should be grateful for that. I do hope that soon I will be able to look back at our photos and enjoy our memories but it still feels too painful.

I’m sorry I can’t offer you any ‘quick fixes’ but just know you came to the right place as in ‘this club’ we all understand just what you are going through.

Sending you a hug

Yvonne X

Hi Dalejackie
I am so sorry for the loss of your loving husband it has been such a short time since his passing you will still be in shock .
My husband and my self did everything I felt like when he breathed out I breathed in please don’t worry about what people say about moving forward or joining things it is fare to early you need to grieve in your way take things a day at a time do what you need to do for you we are all different and will go through this in our own way .
Everyone on this forum will understand how you are feeling you aren’t alone I’m 5 months down this road and I’m back at work this isn’t the life I thought I would have my heart is broken I still cry I still miss my husband our life’s but the waves that hit so hard at the beginning not giving you time to breath between them is less the waves come but not as close together and I can breath between them I go to councilling ones aweek and that helps me I will be thinking of you please take care sending a hug
Lily

Hello DaleJackie, I am so very sorry for what you are going through. First of all, ignore all those so called well meaning friends, unless they have been through the loss of a partner, they do not have a clue as to what you are going through. My husband and I were married 47 years and together for 50 when he died 3.1/2 years go.

I was saying the other day in a post I replied to that I was sick to the back teeth of people telling me I must move on, I should have got over it by now and go out more, I must join a club, I must do this, I must do that. I darned well will do what I want to do and no amount of people telling me what I should do will make me do it.

This is my grief, this is my loss, I have lost the man I loved with all my heart and who loved me, we grew old together from being little more than children in the 1960’s, we made so many memories and these so called friends think that joining clubs, going for walks, getting a hobby will ever make up for him not being there. I didn’t join clubs when he was alive, so I am positive I will not join them now.

Do what you need to do to get through each day, cry and scream, but at the end of the day you get up in the morning, put one foot in front of the other and do the same thing day in and day out.

I go out when I want, I stay in when I want, I tell our grown up sons that I am going out for the day, but I don’t, because they pester me to ‘get out a bit more’. If I do go out I have to go on my own, and they don’t even know if I get back or not. So I do what I feel like.

I got sick of trying to please other people and for what, to make them feel better. If I want to cry I will cry, why should I keep a smile on my face just so I don’t upset anyone. I have lost my soulmate and will live the rest of my life without him and that is killing me. Like I say, after 3.1/2 years I have accepted him not being here, but I will never like it, in fact, I hate it, but what options do we have because our loved ones are not coming back so we plod on.

I also wish I had died when my husband died, in fact, in a way I did die, because he took something of me with him, I no longer have that spark inside of me that I always had when my husband was with me it has gone forever.

There is nothing I can say to make things any better for you, we are in this nightmare and goodness knows how we are getting through it, but we still wake up in the morn ing and do the same routine, over and over again.

I am truly sorry for you, and what you are going through.

Sheila xx

Thank you for your understanding, it does help to know others have the same feelings. x

You are welcome.

xx

Thank you , it is a short time but we have never been apart for more than 14 days so it feels like a lifetime, take care x x

Your loss was so sudden like mine, thank you for your reply, I feel so alone and so sad, take care of yourself x

I’m so sorry for your loss and that we have had to meet on this site. My husband of 50 years died last month so I know exactly what you’re going through. He was given a diagnosis of brain cancer and less than 2 weeks later he was gone. I know when things happen so fast it doesn’t give you time to come to terms with it.

My husband was 72 and people say the same thing to me that it was a blessing it was quick, for him I’m happy he didn’t have a long, painful drawn out illness but for me it’s devastating to have lost my soul mate. He always knew what I was thinking before I did.

My only bit of advice to you is if you don’t already have a dog get one. My 2 little dogs save my life every day and are the only things to bring a smile to my face. They force me to get out of the house as they need a walk every day and they are wonderful company. I have family but the live far away so basically I’m alone.

Thank you Ashtrees,

People keep saying to me it was a blessing for him, like you I wouldn’t have wanted him to suffer. He didn’t deserve what happened and neither did your lovely husband.

My partner had a dog who was devoted to him but he’s been so upset since my partner died. Walking him on all our familiar walks is a comfort to me.

My family is the same, 120 miles away - they try to help but have their own problems and grief to deal with.

I’ve been collecting together cards , notes and other little momentoes he gave me over the years and putting them into a folder- it helps, they remind me of so many good times we had .

Take care and keep doggy walking x

Thanks, my dogs cried for ages after Dave died they would search the house looking for him. I gave each of them one of Dave’s old jumpers to sleep on and that seemed to settle them.

That’s a lovely idea collecting all your special memories together in a folder, think of the good times.