I am so sorry you don’t feel too well at the moment. You have had so much to cope with lately.
I have no idea what God wants of us but you have to try and stay strong and keep faith.
Martin have courage, God is a loving God and what happened to Jesus was in his plan.
He is not taking revenge, and is not punishing us. He is just as sad as us when he see all that is happening in the world today. He just wants us to love one another.
Just remember God loves us all and we will see our loved ones again.
I can see from your words you are in pain and are not doing very well at the moment, you and everyone else on this forum are always in my prayers.