Did I let her down?

Hi I lost my Mum in July 2024 aged 62. She was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of May 2024, we found out there was nothing that could be done on the 10th and 2 months later to the day, she passed. She was a very independent, strong woman and put on a brave face. She didn’t agree with taking chemicals so dealt with her pain naturally. She was admitted to hospital on the Monday afternoon and we were called in Tuesday morning when we found out that she wasn’t going to make it home. She had messaged me early hours of Tuesday that she didn’t think she could do it anymore and when we arrived she was crying out in pain so had clearly still been only accepting the minimum pain relief. She was talking to us in between her discomfort so she knew we were there and could hear us. The part I struggle with daily is, I saw her really struggling and at that moment decided that if this was her last few hours or days she didn’t need to feel anymore pain and I gave the nurse the nod to give her what they could to make her comfortable and pain free. Does she know I did it out of pure love? Does she forgive me for making that decision? I break my own heart every day thinking she’s disappointed in me or somehow sees it as a selfish act. I’d of given anything to keep my Mum here but she was tired and suffering and I did what I thought was best. I miss her so very much, she was my best friend.

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Please dont feel guilty about wanting to make your Mums last few days/hours as comfortable as possible. You werent doing it out of a desire to keep her here longer, you wanted to make her final moments as comfortable as they could be. If you hadnt done so, your mum would have continued to suffer and my guess is you would now be torturing yourself wondering why didnt you give her pain relief, why did you allow her to suffer? I think its a natural part of grieving - our mind is reviewing and processing whats happened and we question every action and decision that was made. Ive certainly done plenty of that! Sending hugs to you, im so sorry for your loss :people_hugging: :heart:

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