Didn’t get to hold my dads hand

hello all
Is there anyone who is really struggling to move past the fact that they were not given the opportunity to be there whilst their loved one passed? This to me is the most painful experience ever!!! To the extent that it impacts on my ability to grieve the loss as I’m tooo caught up with the fact that my dad died in hospital with people he didn’t know. I’m just so angry and life seems so pointless and cruel. I can accept death although this alone is a lot to bear. But to not have the opportunity to be there is almost too unbearable. Luckily I was able to speak to him on 3 occasions via mobile whilst in hospital. Without this I don’t think I would be able to get out of bed.

Hi @Abbey48, sorry for your loss. I feel the exact same way about not being there with my Dad when it happened however I wish my Dad was in a nice comfortable hospital bed with the right medical care… instead, I found my Dad in his bathroom after a sudden heart attack. An image that haunts me everyday. The pain of not being there to just hold his hand, I know there’s nothing I could’ve done to prevent it but people don’t understand how lucky they are to be with their loved one and their final breaths. Family members have said it’s an ‘incredibly hard‘ thing to do but isn’t losing them anyway ‘incredibly hard’?!
For me, what I can’t get over, what keeps me up at night is that I’d seen him two day’s earlier and he was normal considering his Emphysema. I’d spoken to him the day before by text and the last text I ever got was ‘feeling fine, food was delicious’. I’ll never understand how quickly everything can change.
Remember, love never dies. We carry them with us in our hearts throughout our lives. We will never forget them or the love we both shared and will one day be reunited when it’s our time.

Best wishes and take care.
Steph x

Hello Steph

Thank you for your response, and I’m sorry you found your dad on the bathroom floor. I feel the same that people are lucky to have been there when their loved one died. I realise however after listening to other people’s experiences that although they were there with their loved one, they are still in so much pain. Maybe if I had been there, something else would be playing on my mind. Your right, loosing them is hard enough. Every one’s experience is personal to them, I just find it so hard to move on, knowing my dad’s wishes to be with his family were not fulfilled. Like you said Steph there is nothing you could have done, the situation was out of your control. My sister and I went to the hospital 2 days before he died, we asked if we could see our dad. The nurse said it was at our own risk… and then the Dr said ‘no’. There are just some things that are outside of our control and these are the things we have to let go of. We need to embrace the love we shared (like you said), and remember the good times. The relationship and memories will never die. Your right we will be united one day… and the nightmare will be over.

Thank you for sharing And take the best care.

Abbey xx

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I am so sorry for your loss. I am assuming that your dad died during this covid outbreak. Know that your dad would have treasured being able to speak to you even if it was on the phone your support and love would have carried him through even though you weren’t there. He knows you were thinking of him. Also despite the fact he died in hospital he wasn’t alone he did have people there caring for him and trying their very best in a difficult time. Also it doesn’t matter what religion you have or believe know that when we die, someone who cares deeply about us always comes for us. No-one ever crosses over alone. I have had proof of this on more than one occasion. Your dad understood the covid situation and he knew that you would have been there if you could have been. He had you in his heart even though he was far away. You don’t need to feel guilty about not being there you had no other choice in this situation.

When my dad died in hospital I was the one who was with him. I did get to hold his hand as he left, I have synesthesia and I actually felt his spirit leave his body and go up and through a door (like clouds parting) and then he was gone. It is just as painful being there and feeling helpless that you can’t help save your loved one. It is also extremely physically draining. I suffered from chronic fatigue for weeks afterwards. because I felt a part of me had also died then. But afterwards I felt that part of me that was like my dad would go on and I knew he would live on through me. And it will be the same for you. I know that my dad is still alive on another plane because I heard him speak to me on the day of his funeral just as clear as if he was standing next to me. I have never heard him since or felt his prescence but it is enough that I know that he still exists somewhere somehow.

I know while things are raw you will feel numerous emotions and I hope that you have people around you that care for you and will look after you. Know that you will continue to grieve for years on and off but that it will get easier and that you will have floods of cherished memories come into mind and you will smile and be grateful to remember those days.

Take care of yourself.

I couldn’t be with mam either. It is the worst ever pain isn’t it. Big hugs

Hi Abbey I am so so sorry - I wasn’t holding my mums hand at the end - we were kicked out of the hospital because of covid. We carry people we love with us in our hearts and they would feel this letter love when they died. I checked with the nurse and she said they always hold a patients hand at the end when family cannot be there. Please take this as some comfort if you can. Take care I know how hard it is

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