Differing views

Hi all. Would like to put this out there to gauge peoples views. A few years before my son died me and his biological mother had parted company. The circumstances in which he died generated a substantial amount of paperwork.

I am very open minded as to how people treat their loved ones after they have passed. Whatever one needs to do, then that is perfectly fine for any individual.
After my son died. My ex wife turned her house into a shrine. She had a bench but up in the local park. She kept his ashes. She had little teddy bears made out of his clothes (keepsakes). He donated most of his organs and so she was in the local papers receiving awards on his behalf. And at each anniversary she adorns his bench with flowers and balloons . Now all of that is absolutely fine. But the reason I pose this question is. My son died 6 years ago and recently I bumped into an old friend and he said. I saw your son’s bench the other day it looks lovely. I said … I wouldn’t know I’ve never been. He looked at me like I had two heads. But I’ve never felt the need to go. Even when it was installed.
I was offered half his ashes ( at the time). I just thought, no!!! Why would I want them. I have 1 picture of him up in the house but it in a place that’s not jumping out at you all the time. My present wife. Boxed all the paperwork and documents and newspaper articles and photos of him and keeps them upstairs in the wardrobe. I can honestly say I haven’t keep anything that used to be his. Clothes. Jewelry or anything else. That’s not to say I think about him everyday. I miss him like crazy. I talk about him all the time to my wife. I still get upset at random things at any given time. But for me ,I have everything I need in my head. I don’t need gravestones or benches. Or a wardrobe full of clothes or keepsakes. I’m not a cold person by any stretch of the imagination. I just have differing views . He was 24 when he died. We were best friends aswell as father and son. This might sound controversial. But as close as I was to him. I don’t see how going to stand in front of some random bench will bring me closer to him or make me feel better. It may very well work for other people and that’s fine. But to me it’s just inanimate object. Not related to him. Does this make me sound strange??? Thanks for listening :relieved:

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No, you’re not strange @Jim10.
As you say we all have our different views and we all grieve differently too. There are many stages of grief which we process as at different rates, it’s important to allow ourselves to travel this unwanted journey just as we are able on any given day.

You are like me, all I need to remember my son is in my heart and in my mind. I often think that material things deteriorate but our memories and love don’t.

Hugs x


I personally think that sometimes men have different coping strategies to women when dealing with grief.

I too have a memorial bench & looking at the other benches there all sponsored by women for there lost loved one.

It could be that every person just has a different way to deal with there grief, for your sons mum she is finding comfort in what she is doing & you are finding comfort in your private way.

Neither way is wrong it’s just as different as people are?

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There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone is u pique and our experiences of grief and how to handle it is different.

I’ve only recently lost my Mum who died suddenly on 14 March. I’ve picked my favourite picture of us together and it’s now on the sideboard.

Like you I carry the memories in my mind and heart. I live 150 miles away from the family home which would make a bench or something difficult.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve.


Hi Jim,
I feel very similar to you,I lost my partner of 39 years just over three months ago.
Neither of us wished to be buried,we didn’t want to think that relatives would feel that should visit a grave and tend to it.
Our relationship was unique to us and I have kept a few keepsakes but I don’t like the idea of looking in his wardrobe and seeing all the clothes he used to wear.Even after three months I am struggling without him and especially as the weather is warming up and we have more sun.
He tended out garden decade on decade…we chose the plants together decided where to put them and that is the way I prefer to remember him.
We are all very different,the only thing that worried me would be if I had to move house.I would feel as though I would be leaving a huge chunk of our lives behind.x


Hi @Pushkin28, I’m with you and @Jim10, I’ve been with my husband since I was 17yrs over forty seven years. I have kept a few very special things and his ashes are scattered in the sea in Cornwall.
But it’s our home and I wouldn’t want to leave the memories behind we shared there, especially our garden his favourite place. But if it came to it and I had to move he would still be in my heart and very much with me where ever I am.
Love to you all.
Debbie X