Disappointed in this forum

I am very disappointed in the censorship on this site and reporting of people’s posts, for the very reason that bereavement affects people individually through a range of different emotions. We are all suffering. None of us are word perfect and our words, thoughts and emotions due to bereavement are the very reason we are on this site. Just let it flow and resolve itself unless the posts are abusive, racist or threatening. In a time of loss and trauma not everyone is polite, correct, positive, right or wrong but this should be a place where we can all discuss a range of emotions, thoughts, etc. Moderators should not just be jumping in without allowing the dust to settle. We are all adults, sometimes just let it be and allow it to take it’s course. Just my opinion

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I think the problem is Lyn that certain people think it’s their personal crusade to save this forum and be a speaker for the masses even though no one asked them to and they report the posts which in turn Sue Ryder then have to action. That’s where this all stems from in my personal opinion.

It’s such a shame.

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Jooles45
Just because someone reports a post does not mean Sue Ryder have to jump in and action anything. It gives a message that if a post is not liked it gets deleted. That’s wrong in my opinion because everyone should be allowed to post as long as it is not abusive, racist or threatening. It’s a bereavement site. Let it be. Who can censor how a bereaved person feels? Instead of knee jerk reactions to a person reporting something the moderators need to think it through, again only my opinion. The way it’s being managed is people will put off from saying anything for fear of being deleted how supportive is that?

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Hi Lynn
Most of the moderated posts fit the list you described as off limitd or were stoking fires not geared to grief i.e: something political or promoting a religious book or were mean to another person.
I havent seen any moderated outside of those concerns.
From my POV, this place is great and i am grateful for it.
Its also free.
Ell

Sadly I have had personal experiences on here of being run off the site by posters reporting my posts and moderators removing me and I was certainly moderated outside of those concerns. In fact I tried to take my own life at the time it happened (not may I add solely down to that experience) but my reason for posting is about showing tolerance of ALL who are grieving. I believe energy is both negative and positive. Grief mixes up that energy, dependent on how we react at any given time to our emotions and circumstances surrounding our grief. I also believe it’s ok to express both negative and positive feelings because as humans we own both and during grief neither should be suppressed from being expressed. It’s ok to be who you are providing like I said you are not being racist, abusive or threatening. Anything outside of that is subjective from both the poster and reader. I have seen several instances of moderators hiding, deleting and pulling people up and none were actually viable. Censoring is tantamount to targeting someone for their belief and that is not right. Some people believe there is hope for the future after the loss of a loved one whilst others believe their life is over and having been in both places both statements represent an individuals experience. I post very positive comments on grief but I would not have had the capacity to read them in the early days of my own grief. This journey is like a roller coaster, straight bits, down bits and up bits. None of us are in control of anyone’s journey but as passengers we can all choose to jump on or off without being thrown off…

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Hi Lynn,
So sorry for your experiences.
I have not had that experience thankfully.
Grief is stressful.
I appreciate you and your ideas. When I was early on in grief, you said something about there being more after we pass on. It was helpful to me. I probably didnt respond to you then maybe because it was hard to articulate.
I am confident that your voice was heard on this thread.
There are rules on forums - like all forums - created by the forum owner. When you use a free forum posting publicly, it is subject to moderation. Thats reasonable in order to create the intended result. Facebook, twitter, etc also have rules and do moderate. Complaints are also part of it as you have expressed. In the end, the forums were created for a purpose, and so must they be moderated to maintain it. If however, u r being singled out, then I hope that does not happen any further.
Ur awesome for overcoming such deep dark sadness.
So happy that you are part of this and offer your perspective.
Warmly,
Ell

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Aw Ell
Thank you for such a lovely response and I hope your own journey and experiences are helping you navigate this maize of emotions and all that goes with it. I feel your warmth and please accept it back.
Don’t get me wrong I totally understand the need for moderation but as I am a big advocate of free speech I think moderating a site is subjective but I’m not going to rattle on anymore (you will be pleased to hear lol!).
Keep being your lovely self and I have read most of your posts and they they totally resonate with me.
We must keep plodding away Ell x

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Lovely posts to read. :heart:

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Jooles
I just think if our beautiful loved one’s who have passed could read our posts they would be bursting with pride with how we are coping with everything. I truly believe my dad’s last gift was in giving me all his wisdom and tools as a parent to survive and be strong and I am not going to let him down :slightly_smiling_face:

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Go on yersel hen. To many fearties and snowflakes in the world. My parents generation lived through people trying to kill them and alas succeeding far to often. Well said.
Seoaris

Moderators shouldn’t be locking threads. Their job is to stop people from being abusive, and bullying others, their job isn’t to stop people from discussing things. There will always be some disagreements, let people discuss their differences in a civil manner.

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Beautiful! Well said (as are the other posts you write). Keep ‘em coming, lovely x

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Hí. All. I am not disappointed with the site, but I do agree about the fine line between offence and being kind. But in this case I do sympathise with those who think it was closed too soon. It was settling down when, wham! it is shut down giving no one else the chance to maybe pour oil on troubled waters.
I think we can learn a lot from some discussions that may not come up to our standards. Obviously, if a moderator thinks something is racist or offensive then it should be stopped. But nothing that I saw would warrant closing the thread altogether. The line between moderation and censorship is very fine. The moderator may feel that in his/her opinion someone has overstepped the mark. But that is very personal. It seems so many feel that if they raise a controversial subject they may get censored. That’s sad.
I think Lyn is right. Unless it blatantly breaks the rules then let it settle. There was nothing really so offensive in that thread, more a difference of opinion. John.

I agree with you, John. We are asked to express ourselves and bring comfort to those in need, when straight talking is abandoned, dare I say censored.
Ah well, we can only be true to ourselves.
Blessings
Mary

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What exactly does locking a thread achieve? Surely it is better to let people discuss their differences like adults and come to some amicable agreement - even if that agreement is to agree to disagree. Because at the moment, all that happens is that the mods lock the conversation, and then it all kicks off again a few days later in another conversation.

Yes Abdullah, it would seem so. I often wonder how we interpret ‘hurtful comment’? You have pointed out often that the words are meaningless. What offends one may please another. Unless blatantly offensive, how can we judge another’s opinions? The use of the censor’s blue pencil should be applied with care.
Lets face it, we are all touchy and can get uptight about small happenings.
Even the kind folk in Admin are human and will have their own views on what is good or bad. The old saying comes to mind. ‘Rules and laws are made for the guidance of wise men and the observance of fools’.
The interpretation of the law has always been difficult, and even Judges get it wrong. The same applies to rules. John.

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LynT

I have not been about for a while. About a month I think.
I was feeling really low today, and thought I’d check in and have a look.
I wanted to post a question, quite a serious one, about just how people were feeling about the prospect a C-19 Vaccine coming soon, and everything returning to “normal”. I think I must be going through an “angry” stage again.
Anyway, I changed my mind about doing that. So I had a wander about in here. …and I was really cheered up by two things you say. "Energy is both negative and positive. Grief mixes that up ".
How true is that.
You go on " it’s OK to express both…and during grief neither should be suppressed “.
Truer still.
Even so, I’m not going to post my question, Down bits, up bits - like you say all of it ought to be here.
Endless positivity can be so wearing. A bit like where you describe your early days here, you post positive things, but would have not had the energy to deal with them just at those early moments.
So I am self censoring.
I have done from soon after my first post I think, where i hesitated over using
the word " dead” just in case it was deemed offensive, despite the fact that a - leading grief counsellor advises the use of nothing else. Death is the fact, and you are not going to get very far through your grief journey without the using the word. It’s a hard and ugly word, and it describes a hard ugly difficult truth.
In actual fact, when anyone asks me about the person I have “lost”, it truly irks me. After all, I have not mislaid them, have I.

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LynT. Yes.

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